Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

You can apply that vice versa.

If she’s intelligent and kind she’ll understand why it would be unfair for her sister to miss out on spending time with her other sibling and paternal family.

If she’s thick and self-centered she’ll just have to get over it.

and before we get it’s not the oldest child fault either. No it’s not. But her mother decided to have more children with an involved family.

You cannot and shouldn’t expect others to stump up Disney money, house money, car money and whatever else for your existing child.

It’s not so much about missing Disneyland it’s about being denied spending time with her family because her half sister isn’t invited.

She has to miss out on events and memories because her sister has a different family. Events and memories she could have if her mother didn’t stop her going. It’s not the shared child’s fault her half sibling has a deadbeat family she shouldn’t be punished for it.

Disney is just shining a big old light on the future.

Really mean of your MIL. There's no escaping that.

But you've got an SD here who doesn't seem keen on you, your kid, your wider family, yet your prince of a DH decided to marry you and have more kids anyway. No surprise things are becoming more tricky as she gets older. Whyyyyyy do people keep doing this to themselves and their children?! Ugh.

If she’s intelligent and kind she’ll understand why that was unfair to her sister.

If she’s thick and self-centered she’ll just have to get over it.

Well have to disagree that missing Disneyland is any kind of loss.

This is the difficulty, once you're in this position there's no course of action that doesn't risk one of your DC being resentful.

That's really awful that your DH does not understand how hurtful it is for your older dd to be left out. And so sad he couldn't see the error of his ways in separating your two girls when you thought they were staying with your Mum. Dreadful behaviour and he's in danger of emotionally damaging your daughter for life with this behaviour. You really mustn't accept this from him.

In your situation, I would either allow the 5yr old to go but only if I could then take the 9yr old away somewhere at the same time. Or no-one goes anywhere. No point worrying about your SD as nothing to be done there and good luck with the future. Your DH is your biggest problem here and this is only the start of years of issues you have ahead of you.

Regardless of all the other stuff - there is no way in hell I would let my 5 year old go as one of 9 children without a parent present. There are too many people - most rides would not take 9 people there is going to be some waiting and possibly waiting without an adult present.

in Disneyland or Disney works we got into a round boat for a gentle water ride. My daughter then 9 was near the exit, the attendant said to her is she sure she wants to go in the ride - my daughter says says no so without checking with us - the attendant whips her out and directs her on a path which is a 10 min walk to wait outside the building with thousands of people milling around. I immediately jump out of the boat (onto the path) to go find her and it took me 15’mins of looking to find her she was just wandered jh aimlessly unsure what to do.

She might. I am surprised at the awful attitudes shown on this thread. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that someone might choose to do the right thing, particularly toward the end of their life, whether they discuss it with you, or not.

Yup. I’ve never hated or been angry that my sibling did things with their family or got more from their family than I did.

I would have been pissed however if my parent stopped me doing things with my family because of them.

There have been threads on here of the biological child of both parents, years later as an adult virtually going NC with their DM, on finding out how much their DM vetoed them spending time with their DF’s family, because their elder half-sibling from their DM’s previous relationship (always with no DF in the picture) was not included to the same level.

Sorry but just because you have a blended family doesn't mean your MIL also has to treat them all the same.

My husband has 3 grandchildren and 4 step grandchildren. We can't possibly treat all 7 the same when it comes to big things like expensive holidays, house deposits etc.

We absolutely treat them the same for babysitting, family get togethers, going to McDonalds, xmas and bday etc but there is a limit.

Ah well if it’s that op then why the hell is she surprised.

This is not a blended family. This is not a step family.

This is.
Op and her dd’s
dh and his dd’s
op, dh and their joint dd

His family only see family as son and his DD’s and always have and always will.

How are they planning to get all those children that aren't theirs through border control? I was questioned travelling with my own child because we happen to have different last names.
Not the point of this thread, I know.

Of course she won’t. She doesn’t view them as DGC because they are not.

So if I’m correct:

step daughter (DH side) 14

Your daughter: 9

joint daughter: 5

so your daughter has known his family since she was four?

your MIL isn’t being kind, but based on a couple of comments of step daughter complaining about sharing rooms with your daughter OR refusing to come to your family events (fine and acceptable), is it possible that she has complained to MIL about getting “lumped in” with your daughter and she doesn’t want her there….? Just because kids live together, doesn’t mean they click and some siblings are even like that. I think MIL shouldn’t exclude one single child, but if her granddaughter has made comments before about not enjoying staying with her or sharing a room, it may come from there? Still not right, but explains a lot?

also you and your husband arranging for your mum to have your daughter and your “joint” daughter, then him choosing to drop your joint daughter off with his mum, as oldest stepdaughter decided to stay round is unacceptable. I hope he listened when you told him. Your mum was expecting two granddaughters and he basically deprived her of time with your youngest. It sounds like adding this to other examples, supports my view that step daughter gets her own way with his family (and DH) a lot…. it could be a dynamic from his EX (competing with her over trips or relationships step daughter has with her new kids/family) but whatever the cause, it needs nipping in the bud. Don’t make her take your daughter but definitely plan something else with your 9 year old. Stop inviting his side to her things, they clearly don’t care about her if we’re honest.

And when her youngest hears all about this big fun family trip for years to come as Disney holidays tend to go and finds out she was invited and dad was happy to go.

That leaves op to blame for her missing out. Then op has to explain that well your other half sibling who’s granny is isn’t wasn’t invited so I said you can’t go. Then she just has to hope she won’t resent her and her dd for that and other future things she misses out on.

Rather than blame the deadbeat for deadbeating in the first place. Because this doesn’t tend to come up as an issue when there isn’t a deadbeat.

Perhaps your DM will surprise you. People often do.

I see my 2 DDs not going with a twit of a MIL to Disneyland as a win.

That’s lovely, and completely your prerogative.

My DM will be leaving a very large inheritance, and nothing is going to DSC, unlike DC. That’s also absolutely fine.

There are no rules. Best to be upfront about these things before you blend families if you’re going to get upset down the line about how your child from a previous relationship is treated.

The only person you need to speak to is your mother-in-law. And that is to say none of the kids are going if the eldest isn’t included.

Exactly. Men and women can still date and have sex without having to try and create these blended messes.

Put their children first.

There is the alternative of being on their own with their DC.

Well yes divorce is unlikely. However unease in her home is likely. While her DD is likely to continue to be left out and the younger sibling will blame op and that half sibling for not getting to do cool fun things with her other half sibling and fathers family.

So op and Dd still lose.

Damage was caused by the errant father and that side of her family. I am not hearing any pressure put on them to step up, but a DMIL is being called foul names for not treating her the same as her DGC. She is not DMIL’s DGC.

We have no indication whatsoever as to what sort of relationship, if any DMIL has with DD1, but if nothing else I hope she is kind to her when they have contact. Anything beyond that should be seen as a bonus and come from their relationship developing rather than something that is expected or demanded.