Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

So you put your child in this situation i dont see how anyone else is to blame i dont really know what you expect from these people they not doing what you want you created this

Life is not press this button and everything works perfectly as you decide

By all means feel free to not engage. You’re not required to, after all.

Yes, children's feelings matter*

*Until children have feelings that aren’t what you think they should be, then they’re thick and need to get the fuck over it.

There’s something we can agree on.

The marriage shouldn’t have happened.

I agree mil is horrible, I don’t belive mil is sorry that your dd found out by her cousin. It’s clear the intention was to put you and your DH in a difficult position so you couldn’t say no.

Your DH needs to give his head a wobble, he should be talking to his mother and sister telling them they have not gone about this right and have created an impossible situation and none of his children will be going away with his family. Had they spoken to him and you first you could have made a decision as the girls parents. Now because of how this has been handled no one will be going away.

as for the children I would be telling them that their grandmother and aunt made this decision without consulting you as parents and you have decided as parents noone gets to decide who goes away and who dosnt except the parents, there no one is going away. You can start saving as a family for a holiday together.

As for mil and sil your DH needs to put them in their place, they do not get to cause division in your family. They ask permission of you both as parents going forward ir they don’t see the children. If he can’t you have a big problem.

i get your dd is not blood related but she is a part of the family, they don’t have to include her in everything but she dose need consideration.

Nor sure why you keep going on - you’re not going to change my mind.

It’s because children’s feelings are important thaf I wouldn’t allow someone with poor judgment to discriminate between 2 sisters. But I wouldn’t have married someone who didn’t understand that.

She entered the marriage and had another child with someone when she knew full well that neither he nor his family considered her daughter to be theirs.

Well if I was op I wouldn’t remain in a marriage where my daughter was treated with such contempt

It’s DD1s father and his family that is the issue. But they are getting off Scot free.

Why on earth do women keep doing this to themselves and their children?

If they separate her oldest still is the poor relation.

She then has one daughter with no family but her.

One daughter who has a loving dad and involved extended family. Going on fun trips having those extended family events.

That’s very convenient, although I’m not sure how you measure that one. There’s been plenty of threads on here about relationships being fractured because of an ‘all or nothing’ policy, with the younger sibling/s resenting their parent and older half sibling/s.

The feelings of children matter…unless said feelings aren’t what you think they should be, then it’s fuck their feelings.

I just couldn’t do this to my child, I wouldn’t remain in a relationship where one of my children was growing up as the poor relation.

of course the practicality can be explained to her, but that doesn’t change how she will grow up feeling. She deserves better, I’d leave the relationship, then at least your children in your home could be treated equally by you.

I wouldn't let my 5 year go to Disney without me regardless, so an easy solution.

…his family don’t see your daughter as “their” grandchild…. Very odd and hurtful of them….

she is not DMIL grandchild regardless of how much anyone thinks she should be. You cannot expect to force a relationship on anyone and for them to accept it. As previous, we have no idea as to what sort of relationship there is with DD1 and DMIL. It may be something which develops, but it may not. It is really not unusual for DGP not to take on their DC’s new partner or spouses DC as their DGC. There is generally no malice and in a lot of cases the DC already have their own DGPs.

It sounds very much like OP’s DD is the ONLY child over the age of 5 not invited!

Who says he’s taken the child on as his own? He’s just married to the child’s mother and the child came with. It doesn’t neccesarily follow he’s taken the child as his own. Clearly, he hasn’t, based on what OP has posted, tbh.

Do we actually know that the ops daughter is the only step involved? There may be other step members not invited.

As a child it’s more upsetting to be excluded singly than to have a policy applied to two siblings equally.

In any case, if my grandmother had ever invited me repeatedly to things and excluded my sister, my loyalty would have been to my sister.

No caring person takes all her children’s children on holiday and ignores one child that her son has chosen to take on as his own.

Yes this is what I’m picking up from comments?

That step daughter (14) is invited to things but doesn’t have to come and when she does, doesn’t like sharing with OPs daughter (9) and that DHs family when they have SD like to invite only their “full” granddaughter that DH has with OP and not OPs own daughter?

I think instilling from the get go (by DH) that all girls came as a unit, or at least your two bio daughters do, his family don’t see your daughter as “their” grandchild…. Very odd and hurtful of them….

And ops dd can suck it up and ask her dad’s family to take her to trips. But oh wait… they get off being deadbeats while we name call a caring involved grandparent. 🥱

OPs problem is that neither child will in fact have to get over anything. Ongoing resentment is very much one of their options.

This. Plus it’s always mentioned that the eldest’s father is not in the picture, as if that has any bearing on the in-laws. There is no more expectation on them to step in, because their DIL had a child with a deadbeat who isn’t interested.

The expectation should be on the deadbeat.

I dare add if she’s grabby and greedy. But maybe I take it a step too far.

But I do find it grabby and greedy to expects others to pay for such when it’s big things like this.

@GeorgeClarkefan 5 years old?? And no doubt the adults will be allowing the older cousins & half sibling to go off in the park with your 5 year old alone… no way would my 5 year old be going anywhere abroad without me, certainly not a busy theme park.
I would just tell husband that you’re not happy for her to go - she’s too young at the moment… end of…what he and his ex allow their daughter to do is up ti them, but your daughter requires you both to say yes..
In the meantime I think DH should have the conversation with his mum about your daughter being part of the family!
I can’t imagine having 2 children by different dads and inlaws leaving my daughter out of family events… such a shitty thing to do…. I’d probably tell my husband I wanted nothing to do with anyone in his family who felt leaving my DD out was anything less than cruel!

Oh do stop going on. She can spend other time with that side of her family,

If she misses out on events it’s because her MIL is twit. Unless DH gives MIL a talking to of course and this exclusion stops.

Anyway, I’m not discussing this further.