Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

I don’t normally go searching user names and bringing up past posts because it always feels a bit dirty when it doesn’t add context and is just a way to cause a pile on.

Is this you though OP? I remembered the thread as if stuck in my mind.

As you have almost unanimously received support I thought I’d ask and link the post because it does kind of add context.

When you said you weren’t predicting this I wasn’t sure so I apologise if it wasn’t you.

It’s a difficult situation and I’m sorry you are put in such a horrible position.
For what it’s worth the reason the other thread stuck in my mind was because I realised as I got older that I’d been prevented from seeing my extended family members in similar circumstances. I got back in contact in my early twenties and was very very close to my nan but she died soon after.

I didn’t speak to my mum for a long time and was angry for not having longer with my Nan.
My parents are both dead now and I have no extended family due to feuds that started with circumstances similar to your OP.

I think you might have to just accept nothing is going to change but look to the future when making any decisions that might isolate your daughter from your in laws when she might need them.

My sister wasn’t bothered about not being close to my family as we got older and so it’s a shame I missed out.

I do understand how hurt and left out you must feel though.

Totally agree this is the only way .the only way off decent grandparents anyway .I don't like writing this but our eldest grandaughter had another dad before my son but she came into my house as a baby in arms really I loved her from day one .she knows the truth but also knows her place in our family .ie eldest grandchild I would never hurt a child like that how us it ever acceptable.

Perhaps therapy could help her come to terms with, and accept responsibility for, the reality she freely created. He hasn’t done anything wrong here - she knew full well he didn’t consider daughter to be his when she married him, and she chose to accept that.

Not treating her as his daughter isn’t the same thing as not accepting her as part of the family any more than not considering your MIL to be your mother is. She is part of his family, but she isn’t his child.

Your only decision is whether or not to let your 5 year old go abroad without you.

Your eldest daughter's circumstances aren't relevant to that decision, and nobody is obliged to become grandparents to children who aren't their family.

As your daughter is far too young to be sent abroad without her parents, it's a nice easy no.

As your younger daughter's grandparents will obviously keep treating her as their granddaughter and not treating your older daughter as their granddaughter, you should speak to your husband now about how you explain this to your children.

The only behaviour you can control is that of yourselves, you can't force happy families on anyone. They did not marry you, and did not agree to anything.

That's just life and railing about it won't change it.

No but family therapy would help or be a good start. I'd want to see the DH showing a willingness towards accepting the daughter as part of the family.
He doesn't have to act like her father but come on, people treat their pets more as part of the family than this man is treating his wife's child and his own daughters' sister.

So what would you have OP do? Leave her husband so both daughters get to be raised by a single mum, to make it fair?

This would actually probably heighten the inequality, because it sounds like OP’s DH would fight for his daughter and remain strongly involved in her life, as would his family.

You couldn't have predicted your child would not be included with people that have nothing to do with her? You seriously could not have predicted this?

Sure in an idea world there would be no blended families and no never would never be left out of any but thia is real life

OP says she cares for her stepdaughter, but not to the degree she does for both her daughters. Makes sense her MIL would care more for her granddaughters than a step-grandaugter.
OP'S partner had a choice when he entered the relationship. His family did not so they can't be held to the standards he is
OP can prevent her youngest child from going on the trip. That's her choice. There may or may not be consequences of this in the future. Her husband's older child, half sibling of his younger child will be there with their grandmother and cousins

Yes this. It's so sad, I couldn't live like this with a man who shows such obvious disdain for my own child, who incidentally is still his daughters' half sister.

I can also see your husband’s perspective in wanting his girls to spend time together. Your youngest’s relationship with each of her half-sisters is equally important.

Well I don’t think it’s what wallpaper she should buy, is it?

People are getting caught up on the nine children part, but actually there’s 3 14+ girls, who will presumably either help out with the younger ones or go off together. Six kids between two capable adults is totally doable.

OP it’s unfortunate for your 9yo but crowbarring her in where she’s not welcome isn’t going to work. This situation will be replicated down the line with inheritances, first cars, house deposits, etc. It’s better that she understands this whilst she’s young and is at peace with it than being resentful. It’s her own dad she should be pissed off at, not her stepdad’s family.

I took my niece and nephew to Disney. They have an older sibling I’m not related to. I didn’t take them because I’m not related and I barely know them. Your oldest will have to have a horrible life lesson that life isn’t always fair sadly. Try and do some nice things with her while she’s gone. But it’s the downside of blended families.

It’s not her grandchild. Why would she take her? If you and your husband split she would likely never see your eldest again.

Surely you saw how his daughter felt about your blended family and that was a huge hint to how things would go.

Also one active dad and one gone was again always going to be huge even if his parents had of stepped up.

So your husband doesn’t look on your older daughter as part of his family?

But to be fair, it doesn’t sound like you consider his older daughter as part of your family?

are you expecting more from him, than you are willing to do for the teenage girl?

If you each were to draw your family what would the two pictures look like?

And how does your older daughter feel
about her place in your husband’s life?

It doesn’t take Nostradamus to figure out that issues likely would arise as a result of only one of your children having an active and present paternal family. You knew your husband and his mother did and do not consider your daughter to be theirs. You knew his daughter wasn’t and isn’t interested in having a relationship with your family, or in treating your daughter as her sister.

It gets used a lot, but in this case ‘you knew what you signed up for’ truly does apply.

At least she’s honest about how she feels I guess.
When my son was growing up my dads second wife dotted on him, he called her nanny and she called him her grandson, when she divorced my dad she stopped all contact and my son (teen at this point) was devastated. For this reason I’m not a fan of step family treating kids like they love them when it’s bullshit. Would you really want your daughter going knowing she’s not wanted.
Tell her the truth, there not your family and I’m so sorry you haven’t got that, but me and you can do something lovely ourselves, this isn’t a reflection on you.

I wouldn't let the 5 year old go. The adult to child ratio is not sufficient, particularly with a range of ages in the group. The 5 year old will be too small to go on most of the good rides that the older kids will want to go on, so the group is immediately split. Then if one child needs the loo when queuing they all have to leave the queue, or the kids are left alone. It doesn't work.

If my mum or MIL told my child she was taking them out of the country without getting permission from me first I would be livid... that's before even thinking about your poor elder daughter.

Why the hell does the think she has the authority to decide a very young child is going on holiday without her parents?

I think her relationship with her sister is far more important than with her grandmother so wouldn't let her go anyway (not to mention how your poor older daughter would feel), but talking to her without running it by you first would nail down my decision.

In your shoes I would honestly limit how much time she spends with your MIL. She obviously doesn't respect you as a family, both in terms of your older daughter's feelings and your place as your youngest's mum.

Why is OP insisting that this is MIL's / her DH's family doing?

The situation for her DD1 would have been the same had they never existed/ happened.

She wouldn't have been taken by a grandparent to Disney. She would have only had OP's DM as grandmother.

So that would have been exactly the same, the MIL and the rest of that family are not changing anything.

I wouldn’t want to take my DIL’s other kids away anywhere without her there. Absolutely not. I’d find it weird and uncomfortable and I imagine they feel the same

The idea of a perfectly blended family seems to rarely work out.

A lot of choices got you here. Choice of your older daughter’s father. A choice of your second husband, who doesn’t see himself as a father to your older daughter.

it will never change. Your older daughter will never be seen by any of them as a daughter or a granddaughter.

Leaving you with another choice.