Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

No wonder so many adults need therapy from poor childhood and upbringing. I know many blended families and in the vast majority they are that blended!! Not left out by grandparents due to different mums dads not married etc etc. The large majority of adults are just that adults and accept step children with open arms. Those stating its a life lesson honestly grow up

Exactly this

So if you went away with your two daughters and didn’t want to take step daughter would everyone think that’s ok? After all she’s not your daughter!
when you married did you have just your daughter as bridesmaid or did you have step DD too?
I imagine this is very one sided !

I also find it extremely odd that you feel your FIVE year old will resent you for not letting her go?!….. I mean are you not the parent?….. I would just be saying NO! She’s too young… end of! Or insist your DH goes too!…..
I would 100% be saving up for a treat for just your and your eldest…. A day at Thorpe park or Alton towers or something!

Don't be silly, this seems like it was perfectly predictable, your DH and his family were quite clear, they told him how it would be and he didn't want to get married in the first place. You just thought they'd change their minds and did what you wanted to do.

This is on you. It's also not that big a deal and you're making it a drama. Your eldest understands she has a different family to her younger sister, just don't make a big deal about it and do something nice with your daughter while they're away. I suspect you won't do that though because you have drama queen written all over you 🤷‍♀️

Your mother’s reason for suggesting you be married is ridiculous.

I don’t understand why you’re phrasing your post as if it’s some kind of bizarre, unthinkable behaviour to show concern about the emotional effect on a child who is coping with their parents divorce and may understandably be even more hurt when her father goes to live with another little girl?

This family does things their way the same as your family will do things their way. Maybe if your mother had given you advice that showed she was protective of the child from the first marriage like your DHs family were, you would have more realistic expectations of them.

Go with your DH’s lead that there will be other nice things happening that weekend, but be careful you don’t go too far the other way and make your youngest daughter feel excluded from her nuclear family.

Well given that your daughter doesn't consider your husband as her dad, it is hardly surprising that your MIL doesn't consider her a grandchild. I don't think it's so unreasonable that your MIL wants to take her grandchildren on holiday. I can't understand the mania of pretending a stepchild is the same as your own child. My opinion would be different if your DD had been adopted by your husband and considered him her father.

Do they even like you? They appear to think this isn’t a long term relationship? I’d just leave this and take your DD to do something lovely. Your husband clearly has no intention of adopting your DD and the sooner everything is laid out the better even if it is grim.

If one parent doesn’t agree to a -five year old- child going abroad without either of them then I think the child doesn’t go.

Sorry but given your update, the idea you could never have predicted something like this is, at best, massively naive. Your DH didn’t even want to get married, and sounds like his family were very clear at the outset they wouldn’t see your DD as a DGC.

This was your choice.

I know she is putting a brave face on things but I don’t know what to say.

OP, you have surely understood before now, that they don't consider your dd9 as family?

Opinions on this vary - as seen by the responses and opinions - but ultimately, this is on you to manage. They do not see your dd as family and it is highly unlikely to change.

Sadly, this attitude is more usual than the families that fully embrace dsc. People should really think about existing kids and extended family dynamics and attitudes, before 'blending'.

Marrying OP didn’t mean he and his family had to take on her daughter as anything other than a stepchild, and indeed they didn’t.

I’m not sure why OP expects her in laws to treat her eldest as their grandchild/niece when her husband doesn’t consider her daughter to be his either. What’s more, OP knew he didn’t prior to marrying him.

Yup and also that the dh seemingly didn’t actually want to get married and it would appear felt rather forced into it.

Not very happily blended even in their own house.

With what appears emotional blackmail from ops mums about how the unborn baby may feel. Which is bonkers worrying about wed and unwed parents when there are half siblings to start with.

Yes, that's an important piece of info here.

when you marry your family becomes one. Your husband is a live in 24/7 step parent. If his family don’t accept all your children as all your children then quite frankly HE should be offended by them.

If this were my husband and he didn’t seem to care I would not be happy with him at all. If he can’t defend our family unit he doesn’t believe in it’.

So was he told when you were pregnant and getting married that your eldest would never be treated or seen as a grandchild? I feel that bits been missed.

They sound awful.

You can't stop other people being shitty, but the unconditional love and support from you and your husband will counter a lot of the hurt.

Tell her the truth, don’t make out that your husband’s family see her as family because quite frankly they are acting as if they don’t even like her.
Tell her that it’s not her fault and that some people are just nasty people.
I’ve had to do the same with my son years ago and it felt horrible but is better than lying.
Of course it means my husband’s family aren’t welcome in my home on Christmas ect because I’m not going to rub my sons face in it. It also meant in my situation that mine and husband’s bio child have grown up thinking there grandparents are dicks who couldn’t include her step brother. That’s on them though, take back as much control for your daughter as possible.

How realistic is it that the 14yr old will want to spend time with a 5yr old if there are other teens she could be with?

Yes, that does sound a bit optimistic doesn't it!

There has been little mention of the impact on DH’s DD in all of this.

Whilst OP is expecting her DD1 to be ingrained fully by the wider family, can you imagine how this feels to DH’s DD? DD1 will be spending more time with DDs DF than she does and there is the expectation that DD1 is treated the same as other GC. It could be a completely awful situation for DD if DF and DGM treat DD1 as if she was a blood relative as the first family (DD) ends up being pushed out due to DD living part of the time with the DM and not having as much contact with the DF and his family.

Women and men need to stop doing this to their children and put them first.

he wants both his daughters to go and spend time together.

How realistic is it that the 14yr old will want to spend time with a 5yr old if there are other teens she could be with?

Did he categorically say that he wouldn't treat your daughter as his own?

If so I can't imagine why either of you thought a joint child was the way to go.

As ever, it's the kids that suffer.

This really isn't the issue at all. OP has said the two adults are capable plus there are teenagers present to help with younger one. Ratios are not relevant here in a family situation with competent adults and (presumably) well behaved children.

To address the actual issue OP, I believe 5 year old should go. Unfortunately, your older child is going to have to live her life dealing with the dynamics of a step family you have chosen for her.

I do think its sad MIL doesn't make the effort. My own relative had a stepson for the briefest period in a relationship that gave him 2 daughters. Stepson has been considered part of my family ever since and included long after relatives relationship ended. But that is not typical, I can accept.

What a sad situation for all the children involved. You can’t expect to be taken seriously when you say you couldn’t have predicted any of this OP. Just a couple of moments thinking of the potential difficulties that could arise when bringing a new child into a situation where there are already two step sisters living in different homes would have revealed something like this as an obvious possibility.

The Grandmother isn’t doing anything wrong and it’s lovely that she and her sister have the opportunity to take their grandchildren on a treat holiday after they have both been widowed. You can’t do anything that will spoil this for them or their grandchildren without the problem being your fault. While it would have been nice if the GM considered her step grandchild as her own, she doesn’t. Close family relationships can’t be forced on others just because it makes life easier for parents that have decided to create a blended family.

In this set of three sisters, one was always going to be excluded from nice things sometimes because it would not be reasonable to expect OP to never do anything with her own children that their sister might have enjoyed. This is no different, except this time it is OP’s child that might feel left out.

It is not reasonable to expect a grandmother to take a child on holiday when she doesn’t want to, and it is not reasonable to prevent the youngest daughter from being involved in her family’s events. OPs daughter gets to have a close relationship with her sister because they are growing up in the same house, but the sister from her Dad doesn’t get that. It will be good for their relationship to have this holiday so their father is right to insist that both his daughters go.

I think this is awful and would absolutely refuse to let my other child go. Your husband can't make that decision unilaterally. The only other alternative would be to take the money from you long term savings you say you have and to take her yourself. Poor girl.

This is normal and is a consequence of blended families and the children having different relatives. If your mum wants to treat her grandchildren (your eldest and youngest) does she also include your husband's older child (your stepchild)? The MIL is not a cunt for wanting to treat her grandchildren, at the same time if it will cause a lot of ill feeling, you can refuse on your younger child's behalf.