Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

Or op can just say no, and tell mil to stop asking..

People are never obliged to parent or grandparent your children.

As the child is too young to travel without you, you just say no. This will of course continue to come up in the future, so I guess you should make sure your children know what to expect.

Not a chance.

Your family unity is more important than a random holiday.

There is no way anyone would take my young children anyway, regardless. Disney is incredibly busy and your child is so young.

Dh needs to say no to his mother and explain that all the children will be treated the same on his watch, and thank her for the invitation.

Twatty not teary

And she might not be their family by DNA BUT she does share 50% DNA with their actual grandchild….. and teaching your young daughter that her big sister is less than worthy of their care and kindness js a really teary thing to do!

I feel it was wrong that this trip was even mentioned to your 5 year old before it was discussed with you and your DH.
I wouldn’t have allowed my 5 year old to travel out of the country without me, especially to somewhere as busy as Disneyland…
Your husbands opinion that she should go does not and should not veto yours.
in reality all the teenagers will be hanging out together in separate parts of the park to their grandmother and I’d imagine it might be a challenge for grandma and the other lady keeping the younger ones entertained.
Please buy your daughter a wrist band with your or grandmothers number on encase they are separated… this would literally terrify me!
Im concerned that the family feel it’s acceptable to leave the step child out, I wouldn’t necessarily love a step child the same as my own, but I could not take several children away and leave one child out of the plans…. It feels a bit like when kids invite everyone to their birthday party except one child in their class… and the other grandchildren ‘crying because your daughter ruined it because she isn’t even a grandchild’ is extremely bratty and if I was that child’s mother I’d have told her she was being bratty and not kind at all! But I can’t help but feel that the child had heard this from parents on other occasions!
I remember hanging out with my DD’s friend and her mother and her talking about her cousins and the mother correcting her and saying ‘WELL they’re not REALLY your cousins ….. because they’re adopted!’…. I feel so sad for children that are treated crappy by grown ass adults who frankly should know better!
Id be telling DH I no longer want my lovely daughter to be around such arse holes and to count both her and myself out of anything with his family…. Because they clearly don’t respect you as their daughter in law/sister in law etc if they don’t treat your DD kindly! I couldn’t be around them - any of them!

I can’t imagine step daughter will have any interest in spending time with little sister at Disney. She is more likely to think she is a pest to be avoided. Maybe get step daughter on board with voting for little sister not to go.

This is vile.

I can’t imagine step daughter will have any interest in spending time with little sister at Disney. She is more likely to think she is a pest to be avoided. Maybe get step daughter on board with voting for little sister not to go.

At 5 no way would I have allowed anybody take my DC away without me or my husband.

And 2 women with all those kids to mind at Disney, that is mad!!

OP my MIL includes my bil step kids as 100% part of the family. She would never leave them out ever. There’s no way you should allow this to happen, either both go or no one goes. Make a stand now for the future.

Funnily enough my experience is the opposite. It’s only been online that I’ve seen the ‘must take them on as your own’ narrative be so widespread.

As far as I can recall, I have never encountered anyone claiming to feel exactly the same for their stepchild/stepgrandchild as they do their actual child/grandchild in real life at all.

As much as you value the ‘all in’ model, there are others, including stepchildren, that don’t consider it an attractive proposition at all. Luckily, there’s no universal rule that everyone is obliged to adhere to.

You didn’t have grandchildren and then had others being shoehorned in afterwards. It also sounds like they all live in the same household. Neither situations result in a blood grandchild being pushed out. I also hope you are not stepping on the toes of blood grandparents. You are fortunate in not being bothered about the prospect of never seeing pseudo grandchildren if the relationship breaks down, but that is a reality that many face and it can be devastating.

Time and time again I have seen how much ‘blended’ families have a negative impact on various family members. From the first family, to the ex wife being usurped by a second family. Great if you can all make it work and every single family member is happy with these pseudo family relationships, but in many cases the psychological impact lasts a lifetime.

Respectfully, that’s very easily said. Watching my parents deal with what was essentially a bereavement, the sudden total loss of grandchildren they had loved for the best part of a decade because of the acrimonious end of a relationship, was horrific. They would tell you they love my sister’s stepchildren from a subsequent marriage just as much, but in fact they can never let themselves feel the same way.

My 5 year old would not be going away as one of 9 kids with 2 adults.

That’s the first issue here.

Which takes care of the second.

It was only when I started reading Mumsnet that I realised this was even an issue with some families. It has always seemed a no-brainer to me that if your child willingly takes on parental responsibility for their stepchildren, you follow their lead and support that choice.

My son got together with a woman with two children, and they became our grandchildren from the day their parents officially got together. I have always felt very grateful to my now-daughter-in-law for including us so readily and generously in her family. The children have been nothing but a joy, and it didn't feel at all different when our first biological grandchild was born. They were simply a third much-loved grandchild.

As for the concern lots of posters raise about step grandparents losing access to the original children should their parents split up, that has never loomed large in our thinking. As far as I am concerned, the relationships we have with the younger generation, and the duty we owe to them as members of their family and society as a whole means the important thing about this relationship is primarily how it benefits the child, not how it benefits us. The great pleasure we get from having them in our lives is just a bonus.

No one can predict the future. Obviously, things may change, but our grandchildren having us in their lives at this point is beneficial to them and their development. So, we are happy to let the chips fall where they may. In the horrible event of an acrimonious breakup and us not being allowed to see them anymore, that still in my view doesn't take away from the good they will have received while we were in their lives. So, we live in the day and love them and cherish them and try to support them in whatever way possible. We don't live in the what-ifs of a possible future change in circumstances.

Husband really wants youngest to go, he wants both his daughters to go and spend time together.

Maybe he does, but is that what his daughters want? They are of different ages and may not have very much in common. And is Disneyland the only place where they could spend time together?

Say no not right now’. Agree she can take them when you can all afford to go together.

She can’t insist they do anything they don’t want to do, that they’ve made clear they won’t do. OP trying to force it isn’t going to get her what she wants here, she will just further alienate herself and her daughter.

OP’s DH doesn’t consider her his daughter, so why would he ‘stand up to his family’ when he shares their stance on this? The person he’s standing up to and disagreeing with here is OP.

OP obviously doesn’t want to divorce. She knew where he and his family stood when she married him. It wasn’t a dealbreaker when she married him, and it isn’t a dealbreaker for her now. I suspect that she’ll continue to kick off about it occasionally, but she won’t go so far as to seriously threaten her marriage.

Two women taking 9 children abroad without one of us would be a hard no from me. Plus she's only 5. Added that they are in their 60s - I'm not far off that myself - so energy levels are not the same as when their children were little no matter how capable they are in their jobs.

In MIL shoes I wouldn't exclude step grandchildren ever. I don't understand this kind of thinking and I think people can underestimate how hurtful it can be.

The answer is No.

Not a chance I’d let my young dc go away with another adult at that age, however capable. Did I read 2 adults and 9 kids? No way.
Not going would solve the issue, as several
people have said.

I’ve just seen the update - 2 adults and 9 children at Disneyland Paris? Absolutely no chance. I’d say that even if it was a trip to Benidorm or Butlins. They may be capable, but Disney isn’t your average theme park holiday. There is so much going on, so many people, and so many opportunities for kids to wander off or get lost in a crowd. 9 kids of varying ages is also many needs and feelings for 2 adults to manage. One needs the toilet, one’s hungry, one’s crying because their feet hurt from all the walking, now another one needs the toilet, one wants to go on a ride that no one else wants to, one doesn’t want to go on a ride everyone else does want to… plus I can’t even begin to imagine how travel and sleeping arrangements will look. No chance would my 5yo go for that reason alone.

Your husband needs to man up a bit instead of sitting around with his head in his hands. 5yo is the child of you both, he does not get final say on this. MIL hasn’t done any of this in a way that’s even slightly considerate of the 9yo’s feelings. Okay she doesn’t have to take 9yo, but it’s just common decency to try not to rub it in their face. Telling the children first, so they can excitedly talk about it with each other, knowing that one child has been left out is not only manipulative, but cruel too. Her apologising for not mentioning to him first doesn’t mean anything.

Please, standup for your 9yo, and push back on your husband insisting that 5yo go. From your other posts it sounds as though he (subconsciously or not) is othering your daughter as your daughter. She’s an afterthought, so you need to be the one that stands up for her. Tell him you don’t want youngest going for a myriad of reasons, including the fact that you don’t feel comfortable of the adult to child ratio, nor your 5yo being abroad without you there, plus the irreparable damage this will do to 9yo’s relationship with other family members (especially their sister) and their emotions.

Agree

Honestly OP you could have foreseen this. You should have foreseen this. Your DD should have been your absolute first priority before getting pregnant with another man, especially as her own Dad and his family had abandoned her, and your DH’s family not fully accepting her as another child of the family (she was only 3-4 when you got pregnant with your youngest, just a tiddler) should have been an absolute dealbreaker.

A 9 year old (which is the perfect age to go and enjoy it) being cut out of going to Disney when all the other kids in the family are going is just barefaced cruelty. I say that as someone who missed out on Disney when I was in my early TEENS in a somewhat similar circumstance. Never forget how it felt. Having been to Disney several times now with my own DC doesn’t take that away!

You must insist that they take her too. Insist on paying, put it on a cc, and call out your MIL on her cruelty to her face. Don’t threaten not to let the 5 year old go though. She must go. You may know that they don’t want to take her, she doesn’t have to. They surely wouldn’t be awful to her and she’ll be with her sister. I’d be seriously considering divorce if your DH doesn’t stand up to his family for that little girl.

I absolutely would not be letting my 5yo go anywhere with at least 2 other children and only one adult in the first place, but especially not to a place as far away (I’m assuming you mean USA, but even Paris still stands) and as busy as Disneyland. I’d be iffy about my 5yo leaving the country without me full stop.

I also would want a trip like Disneyland to be a family trip as in you, DH, 9yo, DSD and 5yo. It’s a special place (in my eyes) that you should experience together.

You can’t force MIL to take your eldest, but you can tell her that she’s not taking your youngest. Leaving a 9yo out of a trip like that, especially if it’s not a holiday that you’d be able to afford yourself for her to experience it too with her siblings, is unbelievably cruel.

I’d tell MIL that she can’t take 5yo and calmly explain why. Then I’d book a nice trip (even just in the UK) for your family to somewhere nice while they’re away. 5yo may be upset at first, but that’s easily dealt with, and will cause less pain and upset than 9yo being the only one left out.

Later on Sister-in-law claimed that she found their 9 year old niece crying because my daughter had ruined it and she wasn’t a Granddaughter and it wasn’t special anymore,

what a horrible child!! And why wouldn’t this child’s mother tell her not to be such a selfish brat!

I would stop trying to blend your family - I wouldn’t be going to any family events…. Christmas etc at home with your two daughters…. Husband does what he wants but you don’t see his family at Christmas as they’re ‘his’ not yours!

people are arse holes and I simply wouldn’t tolerate this for my daughter… another reason I’ve stayed single…. I’d NEVER allow my DD be made to feel so shitty…

Also make sure you have a will otherwise if you go first your daughter will get nothing! Be sure to leave your half of everything in trust to your two daughters! Or 2 thirds of your share to your eldest and 1 third to youngest…. And when he leaves his share to his 2 it ensures your eldest isn’t forgotten