Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

I find it mad how much people obsess about "blood" on these threads as if they're the last of the Hapsburgs rather than mid-level finance managers living in a semi in Guildford.

Yeah it looks that way doesn't it. Were you aware DSD complains a lot about your eldest OP? Tbh I think there was always a big risk of jealousy when a child sees someone else living full time with their parent when they don't get the chance themselves.

I still think your DH is being a tit wanting to send the 5 year old abroad without either of you.

@GeorgeClarkefan it looks like the issue is between your stepdaughter and your eldest - which is always going to be tricky to manage and I suspect is the crux of it all

how has this been managed because it seems as if there is little from you to grasp this and handle it delicately which is why we are here

You are doing the right thing op, I’d want know part in it either and would stay well away.
Hopefully it smacks them all in the face when your youngest grows up and realises spiteful they are for not acknowledging her sister!!
I’ve been where you are with my son so I get how heartbreaking it is.

She would agree if her other daughter was invited though. OP has already stated that she has no concerns about safety and probably knows more about her mils capability and the family dynamic of the older ones looking after the younger ones better than anyone on here.

You are telling her to use a lie to solve this problem but it won’t, it will just cause a different problem and upset a different child. It would be really sad for the DHs older daughter if she wasn’t allowed this time with her family, including her sister.

I am the poster girl for this type of thread. A few years ago my younger son was at football. Husband’s nephew appeared and told younger son that he was being screwed over and I was stopping him seeing his family and going to Ireland with them because I was pretending my elder son was their family too.

This was absolutely untrue, on occasion when younger was invited somewhere it didn’t work logistically for us so he couldn’t go.

I admit being devastated when my in-laws didn’t include him but ultimately can’t understand the logic of posters suggesting you tell your MiL she can’t see your younger child. This would bite you on the arse ultimately . Utterly immoral and downright cruel to your younger daughter.

What your MiL has done is thoughtless at best and vile at worst.

You could stop the younger child going IF AND ONLY IF you have concerns about safety. You can’t stop them going with their elder half-sister because Granny didn’t invite the half-sister that isn’t related to Granny.

You can’t say to your younger daughter that she couldn’t have a relationship with her family (therefore limiting interactions and shared memories with elder half-sister) because other half-sister doesn’t have a relationship with hers.

I admit that there was twice the age gap between my boys and elder had a relationship with his dad but I just think you have to just apply logic with elder girl and say that Step- Dad’s family isn’t hers. Focus on the relationship between her and your mum.

Lol, ‘simple’.

Her husband is equally the parent of the youngest daughter. OP isn’t the sole shot caller that can prevent their daughter having a relationship with her own paternal family, and her husband has demonstrated that he’s quite prepared to stand up to her.

As it is, OP has agreed to it, or at least resigned herself to it. As upset as she may be about it, she clearly isn’t so upset that she’s going to do anything about it that seriously threatens her marriage (as she wasn’t so upset about it that she decided against getting married in the first place).

But wives are not expected to respect their husbands wishes?

What an odd take. Most husbands respect their wife’s wishes!

In our house we discuss everything, we agree a way forward. Op needs to make it known she will never support her child going overseas with their gp, which is entirely reasonable, as many/most parents would feel the same. The current problem is gone. Her dh isn’t going to force her to agree is he.

Later on, the issue might arise when the child is much older, op can prepare for this eventuality be saving quietly now, and she can do something wonderful with her eldest. This really isn’t a huge problem.

It's very MN step family bingo to have a series of posters coming on making assertions about familial relationships that clearly don't apply to the scenario being talked about. Happens every thread.

DH has taken her on and treats her as his own, no he doesnt. DGM is just like a blood grandmother, no she isn't. There seems to be something about blended families where people think if something is the norm in theirs, it must be a universal standard.

It is the OPs husband's child who has been invited on the holiday. I would not allow any child of mine aged 5 to go away without me - no question. But he definitely does have input and this will continue to come up as he is the father and MIL is his mother and he seems agreeable about his child going away on holiday with his mother.

Even if OP and her husband split up then he will have some custody of his child and his mother will almost certainly be involved in the 5 year old's life.

Are you the bloody twatty mother in law!! You seem to think they can do as they like 😂 news flash - it’s not their child, and not their decision to make. Op calls the shots here, and certainly does not have to agree to this at all.

Just be crystal clear with dh op, and he can tell his mother to stop asking. Simple.

Unless she can respect your decisions and boundaries - then she won’t see the children.

Don't be silly, you don't get to tell other people they are now grandparents to a random child 😂We can wish all we want for other people to love and parent our children, but respecting his choice has nothing to do with forcing them to grandparent children that they are not even related to.

I believe he also made it clear to OP he is not taking on the job of father to her child.

Its pretty typical of blended families to have these huge issues tbh. I do feel sorry for the children.

No, he didn’t. OP has already said that he doesn’t consider her to be his daughter, and nor does her daughter consider him to be her father.

Your hard 🙄

Her DH did too, he chose to include DC1 as his own, a tiny 3 year old, his family should respect his choice.

He’s got a wife problem. The only person making it difficult here is OP. She knew what the situation was when she married him and yet did so anyway. They’re in no way obliged to pander to her now (and nor will they, obviously).

Yep. It's just going to keep being asked. I would definitely NOT allow a 5 year old to travel without me regardless of DH wishes, would simply veto that, and would happily fight for that not to happen.

But the question will keep being asked, so OP has to figure out how to tell her kids about it.

I feel sorry for the kids. OP knew what to expect, it seems.

And I agreed this is a dh problem, he should have his step daughter’s back and not put everyone in a difficult position.

They have to both be in agreement, and op doesn’t agree so the child doesn’t go. We never allowed anyone to take our dc out of the country. This is a parent’s choice, not mil’s choice. She will be told no.

in op’s place I would be taking time to discuss this issue with dh, and ensure we are on the same page. We would agree to save up and take both dc together as a family.

Her husband wants his child to go along with her other half sister.

He family aren’t doing anything he disagrees with.

I wouldn't let her the youngest. She can get stuffed.

Sure, she can continue to refuse to allow her child to go on holidays with her grandparents, forever.

Didn't suggest otherwise.

And it will, of course, keep coming up. And of course the children will get wind of it. So she should get ready for that conversation.