Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

They all go on none of them go I’m sure that’s incredibly unpopular however that would be my stance. Fuck her. The mother-in-law that is

@GeorgeClarkefan but what have you done to make sure the two step siblings have been integrated because isn’t that the root of it all?

Your post kind of sums up the issues you were so focused on the need being the extended family acceptance that the fact your SD didn’t need integration into your extended family has passed you by - she has two families she doesn’t want or see the need for a third so none of that matters to her.

what is important to her is her time with her father and the problem is resentment is there (on both sides from your post) as to how that will work and it is clear not so much work has been done on improving that relationship

which has left your poor MIL in the middle of a mess and her priority here like yours is your eldest is her granddaughter a girl from whom the adults have failed to deal with her understandable emotions correctly that the idea of your eldest being seen as one is too much

And that is the first step @GeorgeClarkefan in even remotely making this something your youngest can navigate through without frankly causing her emotional damage. Recognising the fact it is the step siblings bond that has been badly managed by the adults including yourself that is the cause of all of this.

because in some of the descriptions of how your eldest is handling this as well shows me you aren’t going a good job either of explaining to her exactly why this is happening either all the crying etc

Frankly I wouldn’t be letting anyone take my DC (especially not under 10!!) abroad without me or their DF being there. I think that’s insane, quite frankly. Many here have posted saying it’s irresponsible. You’ve made your own bed here. You’ve decided to bow over to whatever DH wants instead of saying no - you are the mother of this DC and it is absolutely your decision who can or cannot take her passport and whisk her away.

I think op wanted a daddy with family yes.

She was just too blind by her love of him to see that he was just a husband who would be kind to her daughter but a daddy he is not.

It’s a recurring theme. In step families as you say especially when the biological father and his family are not involved. The new man and his family are expected to pick up the pieces and if they don’t are seen as worse than the own father who did abandon his child on here and by the mothers. Which is bonkers a kind male role model is still far better than the waste of space who completely existed their life.

In this case it’s ended up with currently two unhappy older girls and a younger one placed slap bang in the middle of the drama.

But was it a quest for a daddy? Surely as far as OP’s DH and his family is concerned, it was a marriage. Not an adoption.

I do think this is an underlying issue on all these threads, especially when there’s no father or paternal family around. The woman seems to have been hoping/assuming the new partner and his family will automatically step in to take the place of the missing paternal family. Crucially, apparently with no one ever actually having this conversation beforehand. Instead, the new in laws are pleasant, include DSC when they are around, not to the same level as DGC; they think this is fine, but the OP has other ideas, and expected full integration and for them to take DSC fully as their own, chaos ensues.

In this particular case, I think it was naive with OP’s stepdaughter already in the family, to think the eldest would be taken in as their own.

It’s what we knew all along. Nobody sees ops dd as family not even her dh.

Dsd resents her mere existence inlaws side with dsd.

I do agree though Dsd should have already been getting time with her sister without your child. I don’t see why she hasn’t ever say had a granny day with her sister as it’s been clear to everyone for years they don’t accept your child so it should of already been easily explained to your daughter why them two are having a day together. Much like she gets nearly everyday them two.

of course your dd is upset. You as the parent have let her believe this fairytale of a dad and his family. What she got was mums husband and his family who tolerate her. That is on you. In the quest for a daddy you forgot to actually make sure he and his family would be one. The frog stayed a frog.

Yes a poor child stuck between 2 half siblings and the mess that the adults involved have had in all of this

I don't know, ur child is no relation to your mil... I know if I was her, id take ur child, but I can see why she might not want to.... Difficult

Agreed. Even if DMIL were to completely change her attitude, emigrate or fall under a bus tomorrow, this would still be an ongoing issue.

And realistically it's the bigger problem. DH has a child who doesn't get to live with him FT, while he's made choices that allow another child to do so. It's a recipe for resentment, forced on a child who had no agency in the matter. DSD has every right to feel as she does, it was a realistic possible consequence of the decisions the adults around her have made and it could potentially impact on relationships for decades.

I think practicalities ought to settle the issue on this occasion, in that the 5 year old is too young. But she won't be 5 forever.

But I do think a huge part of this is the missing piece with the OP and her own Sd because I think that is a key driver here in what this is all about and why the eldest isn’t included.

Because of course the ideal is they all get on the OP SD accepts her eldest as a sibling etc but that takes work and I suspect it wasn’t done either and that the OP has always prioritised her DD and therefore the MIL has (over)corrected towards her grandaughter

and now due to ALL the adults failures in cresting the right blend from the start this is the mess we end up with

@FrikadelleYour response has only half posted. My dad is also completely spineless and has said before I shouldn’t have “let it go” and I shouldn’t have “caused a scene”
I think he should have caused abit more of a scene considering I had to sit his grandson down and explain that his nan had been lying to him for 11 years.
It was actually heartbreaking to watch and it’s apart of my son’s childhood (he is in his twenties now) that I’m deeply ashamed over. How people treat children this way is beyond me.

This is about the third thread about this topic I’ve seen in a month or so. Your MIL is horrible, obviously, and I’d decline the trip on behalf of the invited children as a result.

My DF probably didn't even notice, and if he did, he certainly wouldn't have addressed the issue. Experience had already taught me that he would shrug his shoulders and say he can't do anything about it. He has never advocated for me or put me first when it comes to DSM. He's not been a good Dad. If he'd had even once grown a backbone and stuck up for me like you did for your DS, I think we'd have a much closer relationship. You sound like an amazing Mum.

This is so sad. My dad’s wife did something similar to my son, she was my birthing partner and he spent the first 11 years of his life calling her nanny (she encouraged this!!) When she split with my dad she said at first, this changes nothing he will always be my grandson and then told him to stand aside from a photo because it was family only, along with other shitty behaviour and just to top it off it was Christmas Day.
I quietly told her I thought she was a fucking monster and to never come near me again, and then apologised to my son that I’d got it so wrong, I thought she really loved him.
I’m glad now though that I saw it before any bio grandchildren were rubbed in his face.
What do your mum/dad think of the wedding speech you had to sit through?
I got remarried when my son was 15 and I won’t do the step family are family thing now just incase.

But what have YOU done to do the integration there - presumably this has been an issue for awhile and it seems as if nothing has been done to solve this (understandable issue)

because you are (somewhat rightly) focused on your eldest and the integration of her but how about your stepdaughter

I'm not sure your daughter will forgive your DH for not standing up for her and showing her that she is not part of your family.

She's not considered part of the family by him though.

So he should force his mum to take her?

Not allow the 5yr old to go?

Why are you allowing your youngest to go? You can say no.

Neither of my children would be going regardless of what my spineless DH had to say.
You say the youngest will resent the oldest...perhaps if you explained that it was Granny who was being mean she might see things differently.
I'm not sure your daughter will forgive your DH for not standing up for her and showing her that she is not part of your family.

I would never send my child abroad without me under the care of someone who didn't want her there. How do you think she'd be treated?

It's so confusing for your DD. I don't think it's something you get over as the SC. I was brought up to call stepDGM "Grandma" and was also treated kindly at her house. I loved her as a grandmother (which I'd never had on either side). The difference in treatment to my half sisters when they came along was massive but as an adult I thought I'd come to terms with it. Then at my cousin's wedding she proudly announced to everyone how happy she was to see the first of her grandchildren married. I'd got married the year before, she'd been there. I was heartbroken to realise how 25 years of being in my life didn't count for her. I don't think you can protect your daughter from this unfortunately, it's just one of those hard life lessons.

This.

I am so sorry OP. Just horrible behaviour towards a child. 💐

I'm a step parent and thankfully my DM always thought of my step child as her grandchild and loved her as such. My father didn't though - his attitude to her was a disgrace and (combined with a lot of other reasons) we are now NC with him.

So sad people behave like this.

Hopefully it smacks them all in the face when your youngest grows up and realises spiteful they are for not acknowledging her sister!!

Or she might resent her sister if she has been forced to miss out.

My eldest has cried to me three times and says it’s so unfair.

Well yes it is unfair that that she has no paternal family & her mum's husband & family won't pick up the slack.

Sadly it seems that it was known that this would happen.