Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

There's absolutely nothing wrong with MiL wanting to take her own grandchildren on holiday. There's also absolutely nothing wrong with her not considering your daughter as her grandchild - because your daughter isn't.

Just because your husband decided to marry someone who already had a child it does not mean his family suddenly have to pretend they've acquired a new grandchild and feel the same about said child as their own actual grandchildren and treat them exactly the same.

How you negotiate the problems with step children is up to you and husband and you are the ones who have to make the decision on what to do and deal any fall out, because you chose to enter such a situation.

MiL has done nothing wrong.

The 5 year old is too young to go all that way without parents. Its a no from me. Is there any possibility you could save up for a year or 2 and take both your kids to Florida? (Without MIL)

Just don’t entertain the drama. She takes both or neither. No big deal either way. Maybe she can wait until your youngest is a bit older and take them both then. Not sure why your dh has his head in his hands over it

This. MIL can want to do it and you can say no.

I'd never expect my inlaws to pay for my children to go on a holiday. They treat my children with so much love and respect, buy them gifts etc but they of course don't treat them all the same, because they are not.

But you're well within your rights to say your youngest can't go. Though what a shame for her.

Yes, I think five is quite young to go abroad to a theme park without a parent, even if it’s only a day trip and several adults are accompanying the children.

DS wouldn’t have wanted to go away without me or his dad at that age, even with his granny. Might your five year old not want to go, OP?

Just say no. It’s not okay.

I don’t think your MIL is a cunt though, at all.

My daughter was married to a man who already had two children from a previous marriage. We treated them exactly the same as our son's daughter, and they called us granny and grandad. They split up and we haven't seen his kids since

Could not agree more 👏

Nobody’d be taking my 5 year old to Disney without her parents, especially if also responsible for other kids.

Agree that your MIL is a cunt.

If your eldest can't go, your youngest can't go either.

Tell her naw. Simple. Why are adults so shit to kids.

I’ve posted this before - my DM’s friend always treated her son’s DSD the same as her bio DGC. There is no way she would have left her out of a holiday she would presumably love. 9 would be prime age to enjoy Disney, judging by mine.

How bloody awful. Personally I would not let the youngest go. Can you imagine how awful that will be within your own household? The 5 year old gets to go to Disney and the 9 year old doesn’t?
Equal well you can’t force the in laws to include your eldest. You can’t control how they behave, but you are absolutely in control of how you respond. I would say thank you, but we can’t possibly have a situation where our youngest gets to go to Disney while her older sister stays at home, so neither will be going.

The wellbeing and integrity of your immediate family is far more important that your PILs’ wish to take all their DGC away. Your DH needs to get his head round that. Your five year old’s wish to go to Disney with her cousins does not override the damage that will be caused to her relationship with her sister. If PIL say anything to the five year old to guilt trip you, your response needs to be very firm.

You don’t have to let the younger one go. What’s your DH opinion? He can’t not have one. If you do that you’re saying the younger one has to miss out on time with her grandma and cousins because she’s got a sister with a different dad but that’s a decision you and her dad can make. These situations are always tricky and the only people who chose it are you and DH. Not the kids, not his family.

1. it was their daughter I was married to.
2. we all still see each other and do things together (despite ExW having had an affair and left me for OW)

This. “No.” One word.

If she wants an explanation, “how you you propose I explain that her younger sister is going to Disney without her?”.

Why isn't your husband telling his mother that "all his children (assuming his considered your daughter his step daughter) go, or none of them go?"

If isn't doubt that, he's a useless wimp.

Well I wouldn't be sending a 5 yo to Disney with at least 3 other kids and one adult who isn't the parent.

So just say no thanks.

As in that other great MN cliche: No is a complete sentence.

However - it would be good to get your Dd used to the idea that in a blended family people have different circumstances and it's OK to not al do the same things at the same time.

That is very hurtful and thoughtless (at best) of your mil. Tell her no, she cannot take your children away without you and your daughter.

I don't think any of this is clichéd enough to be a Mumsnet bingo sheet, not that it matters

Is she taking the kids without the parents? If so, I don't think she is being unreasonable - taking a child you're not related to abroad is a lot of responsibility. If something happened to her, she would have to take the decisions etc. She isn't unreasonable not to feel comfortable with that.

Not you personally but the fact the second marriage of their son is now over they treated his steps as theirs for them to now again not be family.

Is exactly why some families won’t got too familiar with the step family members.

I wouldn’t let either of my children go because, as a rule, I will not let my children go abroad without myself as their parent there.

You don’t have to play this her way, OP. You can just say “no thank you” to her offer to take your youngest.

I think that’s appalling. I have 3 kids, 2 by my first spouse and 1 by my second. The second marriage is also over now but when we were together, my ex’s family treated my older 2 just the same as the younger one (their grandchild). Anything else is just not ok in my view and it would have made my relationship with my in-laws very strained if they had so overtly distinguished between “our grandchild” and “not our grandchildren”. Fortunately the issue never arose.

I don’t think I understand this. I was a step child. I wouldn’t have expected or even wanted to go on holiday with my stepparents family. Your eldest isn’t their grandchild.

Do your family have contact with eldest? Would you expect your parents to take your DSD away with them if they were planning to take their DGC away?