Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

Old enough to understand possibly but not old enough to not be really hurt and upset by it. Especially being the only one left out. I don’t understand why two adults (mil/aunt) would do that to a child.

May feel different if there were loads of “step” grandkids but it sounds like just one child is left out.

But I also agree I wouldn’t be sending a five year old regardless. Too many children for the adults to safely manage.

I find this so weird. So mil is, at her own expense, taking her own grandchildren on holiday? Your eldest is not her grandchild. Lovely if she treats her inclusively when you are all together but I just would not have any issue with this at all. It’s totally normal. Calling her a cunt is way out of line imho.

I think it’s time to be upfront with your eldest. This is only going to continue to come up for her as she gets older. Your husbands family doesn’t consider her to be family. Everyone gets to make that decision and at least they’re being upfront.

Nine year old is perfectly old enough to understand that step-gran and step-great-aunt are taking away their blood relatives. Unless OP has told her that husband is her dad, but that’s not been suggested.

I think five is too young for such a chaotic holiday without a parent though, so OP has a valid get out clause there.

I second that

Agree to disagree. They are far too young to understand the different at five and nine.

Surely a calm and sensible conversation with mil and aunt will sort it out.

9 children down to youngest 5 years old (unless there are younger ones)? With two adults. At an incredibly busy, crowded place. What could possibly go wrong?

I wouldn’t let my 5 yo go even if there wasn’t the step-issue.

And for the youngest to find out before you and DH were asked? Cunty cunt.

They should be treated fairly, which isn’t the same as equally.

If one goes to uni and is supported by OP and husband, do they have to give the other, working full-time, the same in cash? If one gets a scholarship to a private school do they have to decline because the other didn’t?

There’s nothing stopping OP taking her eldest on a holiday at the same time because she’s missing Disney. Stopping her youngest going would be unfair and damaging. Telling DH to stop his oldest going would be unhinged.

Aside from the fact she’s a cunt as I said further up thread, I still stand by that. But also - who does she think she is to assume that all the parents are comfortable with her just taking their kids off abroad?!

And then telling the kids FIRST. Manipulative move in my opinion.

She knew you would take issue with it (rightly so) and now if there’s any fallout or issue, one goes, none go, then you’re the bad guy.

I meant they should be on the same page, their three children between them should be treated the same

FWIW, I have one child and three stepchildren. My mother often takes my child, her grandchild, on days out and will take her on little holidays when she’s old enough. Is she a cunt too?

So your stepdaughter isn’t interested in having a close or sisterly relationship with your daughter either?

It’s absolutely not OP’s full decision.

DH can decide to send his eldest. They both need to decide for their shared child.

I don’t think the OP was invited

And also I really would not be comfortable sending a five year old abroad without me. Especially in a big group

If you are happy for your youngest to go than you and DH take your eldest away somewhere while they are away? You can't control other people, but the way you react to this is far more important to your daughter than anything her step gran will ever do. She needs to hear the message from you (and DH) that she matters, much more than she needs to hear it from step gran.

I don't follow what you meant by your husband sitting with head in hands before going to optional work.

Your husband does not get final say on this. You have three children between you. That’s your family. They all go or none go. Surely it’s not that big difference in price.

That’s really sad. Can’t fathom why a grandparent would segregate like that. 9 year old will be upset at not going and 5 year old upset at not going. No good outcome here. Your DH should address it with his mum.

This is not unusual, in my experience

I think it's reasonable to expect in laws to eg buy Christmas and birthday gifts. But ok not to have the same level of commitment as to a birth grandchild

i think this response is perfect, obviously you are not going to let a five year old go abroad without you, obviously you won’t be leaving your other child at home. Thanks for the offer but not possible in our circumstances.
I also think MIL is an absolute cow bag for putting you in this position and that would be noted for evermore…

Denying the younger child opportunities to spend time with her paternal family for the sake of her sister can also damage the sibling relationship.

By the sounds of it your husband doesn’t agree with you and isn’t going to make her relationship with his family contingent on his stepchild being treated as something she isn’t to them. It isn’t the fault of your in laws that your eldest doesn’t have a relationship with her father and paternal family, and it isn’t on them to step in and assume those roles for her.

If providing DD1 with this was important to you, then this wasn’t the family to marry into. Only one of your children is their grandchild, and your children are not and never will have the same when it comes to their respective paternal relationships. It may not be what you want, but it’s what you’ve got, and all you can do now is come to terms with that. You can’t unilaterally prevent your DD2 from having a relationship with them if your husband wants her to have that, regardless of whether you stay with him or not.

*assuming they are going to Florida. Or even if they are goingbto a closer destination it would still be a NO

Yes, quite.