Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

5 is too young, would be my get out.

But it'd probably only be kicking the can down the road, as they'll do this again when she's older.

5 years old is far too young to be taken abroad by anyone without parents there.

Sounds like the president has been long set. Nobody including your husband treats your daughter as actual family.

She’s seen as your daughter.

I wouldn't expect het to be included either.

I also wouldn't be sending a 5yr old just because her older sister was going.

On the whole though I don't know why people blend families & then get upset when this sort of thing arises.

I agree.

And I live this situation. My in-laws pay for my children when we go out for dinner even and I always offer to cover it. I'd never expect them to pay for a holiday for them.

It's so entitled. Pay for your child to go. Presuming she already has two sets of grandparents; it's not your in-laws responsibility.

This 100%. Have they even thought this through

Agree this sounds like a very impractical plan.

My family are close, DC have always spent a lot of time with GPs and some of them were still in their 50s when mine were 5. I would still not have wanted my 5 year old going abroad with them and not us, even if the plan was less batshit.

9 children between 2 adults abroad at the craziest, busiest and most distracting place on earth and you don’t think it’s a safeguarding concern??

OP, come on now. At no age would I think I was capable to safely care for 9 other children with the help of only one person. Certainly not going on a plane, round the airport, and absolutely never walking around a busy amusement park. That’s absolute bloody insanity.

You are the child’s mother and have a say. Your DH doesn’t get to just decide your joint child can go because his child from a previous relationship is. I would never be comfortable with this before even considering my older child being left out.

And what are the sleeping arrangements?

9 kids is chaotic, regardless of how they feel.

Young kids get a few viruses a year. So one of them is probably coughing, or throwing up. One (at least) is definitely homesick and crying. Two are pinching and hitting each other. One is whining, mithering for treats. Two are picky eaters and hate everything. One isn’t sleeping, one more has nightmares. One gets blisters/sunburn/sore something.

On top of this, they all want to go on the rides but you need an adult for every 1-2 children. So essentially at least 7 children are what? Queuing for another ride? Waiting in the queue, getting in the way? One sister is always ‘holding the bags’? One of the older children is standing with at least 4 others waiting?

It’s bonkers regardless of their anti-chaos stance.

I think it totally depends on the relationship between MiL and daughter. Have developed a bond? Does your daughter call her nan or similar? Does she wish her a happy birthday and vice versa? And how do your daughter ans step daughter get along?

If there is a family relationship between your daughter and MIL, then MIL is indeed out of order. If however they only see each other twice a year and your daughter doesn't have any feelings for MIL, then she doesn't a right to be taken.

Also, I wouldn't blame MIL for not taking her of the two step girls aren't close.

Two adults in their 60s with 9 kids is madness. She should let her other child go without her, abroad, to a busy theme park without her.

Yep, total cunt.

That's how my stepfather's parents treated us, but then he also treated us as his children and didn't entertain anyone who didn't.

It seems really unfair on your oldest daughter. I think I would have to say NO. You have been with him long enough for her to be included. Stand firm. They both go or no one goes.

OP "Husband has said youngest has to go as his eldest is going anyway and he wouldn’t deprive her of the trip."

So phase 1 of the battle is between you and your husband on whether youngest goes. He doesn't get to call this unilaterally. Or are you happy to support his decision on this? For us, we tend to go with the more conservative where safety is concerned - if either of us is worried then our joint decision is no.

Well, my 5 year old wouldn't be going. Cold day in hell before I would allow this to happen to a 9 year old.

Get yourself away from these people is my only advice. I suspect it will fall on deaf ears and that this poor 9 year old will be treated like shit for the next few years.

There’s also OP’s stepdaughter, who may not consider OP’s daughter to be her sister (and it doesn’t sound like she does, any more than she considered OP’s family to be hers) and could react extremely negatively to them being considered the same by her father and grandparent. They’re not the same.

If it comes down to prioritizing the feelings of OP’s DD1 or those of their actual children/grandchild, then of course they’re going to prioritize their own.

Has your 5 year old spent time away anywhere without you or her dad?

I'd tell her that your five year old is too young to go away without her parents.

Does your MIL generally try and exclude your elder child from family events? If so, is this something that your older daughter has noticed?

Stepfamilies are so nuanced that calling the MIL a cunt is absurd. We don’t know if OP’s eldest even knows the other cousins or the step-great-aunt, we don’t know if she is a difficult or badly behaved child, or one with additional needs.

Two women in their sixties have been through a very shit few years, and want to do something nice with their grandkids. It’s really not OP’s place to decide to invite someone else.

Not the response you’re looking for, but from a practical viewpoint, I don’t think it would work with the adult to child ratio on rides.

They may consider her to be extended family. They may still give her Christmas and birthday presents and invite her to parties and celebrations. But they don’t have to invite her to everything.