Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

It’s the expectation. Ops expecting someone else to fund and treat her child.

It’s always the way in these posts. Women has child with deadbeat with shitty family. She moves on with another man. They have a child together. She expects his family to pick up the pieces for her child’s shitty family.

In this case the man also has another child which adds an extra complication here because his other child will be going regardless. Dad has no issues with 5 year old going either. If she doesn’t go the op will be blamed. The 5 year old even if it’s when she’s 10 will hear all about how she wasn’t allowed to go because of her older on mums side half sibling, while her other half sibling and cousins got to go.

All the man’s family owe is politeness, Christmas gift/card and the same for birthday.

Women need to stop expecting new men’s family to pick up the slack for their deadbeat ex’s.

I wouldn’t let a 5 year old go without me in any case. If you don’t have concerns about 2 60something women and 9 kids of different ages, you should.

So it would be a no to both going and get your DH under control.

How will it revisit them? People always advise OP in this situation to pull back with their elder child completely, as if that’s a punishment for their actions, but they didn’t see the child as their DGC and didn’t want to spend extended time with them anyway, so what loss is that?

Really, this is the reality of blended families. There’s tales like this weekly on MN.

Said as if blood inconsequential when it demonstrably is not. That you place no importance it doesn’t oblige anyone else to feel the same.

She may be a child, but she’s not her stepfather’s daughter, his daughter’s sister, or his mother’s grandchild. The failings of her own paternal family are not their fault, and it isn’t on them to assume those roles. Trying to force it can also create tremendous damage.

It doesn’t sound like OP has ever been under the impression that her daughter was or would be considered their own, yet she chose to marry and have another child with her husband knowing full well what the situation was. That’s on her.

Well no, not perhaps. It simply isn't the case that DD1 is a grandchild by all but blood. Neither of those things are true.

Which doesn't mean this isn't a shit plan, and I've said more than once I wouldn't send my 5 year old.

Husband would be going without the hobby trip to pay or I would be taking our long term savings or it would be a no to them all going in our house!

Perhaps. But the adult in that situation should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. I’ve been that child. Hence, I would never, ever visit that on any child, ever. And if you as an adult do? Shame on you. The “blood” argument is trumped by the “being a good person” argument. Some people however don’t care about that. IME that will revisit them, in spades. I do not think that being a shitty person ever pays dividends, in the end.

If you are married then your oldest daughter is your husband’s stepdaughter and his Mother’s step granddaughter - that is very mean of her to exclude your oldest daughter and I’d be telling her where to stick her holiday to Disneyland, she doesn’t take either of the children. Stick up for your eldest daughter and treat both your daughters equally and fairly otherwise your eldest will remember this forever.

Your mil is a shit person to do that to a child. I would not let my youngest go, your family is more of a priority than your mils desire for her 'own' grandchildren to go on a holiday.
There's a special name for an adult who would exclude a child.

It's evident in any case that DD1 and DMIL don't view themselves as grandparent and grandchild. The all but blood argument falls down on the first point as well as the second.

Your mil is disgusting, sorry!

@Menocandoone "But she is, by all but blood. If you want to differentiate by that?"
But surely that's a big difference, you'd hardly say that OP is her MIL's daughter?
Nor would OP consider MIL her mother?

Just so you know OP, Sophie’s Choice is inspired by someone in real life who did have to choose.

What's wrong with 'Sorry MIL, it sounds lovely, but too much for 5yo dd without either of her parents there. She won't be able to go on any of the cool rides, & if the rest of the kids are older it'll just be a drag for everyone involved. But thank you for the lovely invitation!'

I mean, she might be being a cunt, or she just hasn't thought past 'my dgc' & your eldest simply isn't in her mental box as 'my dgc'. But regardless, it's not a great trip for a 5yo with a bunch of older cousins, & I'd be putting my foot firmly down on that basis.

She's 5. She'll have only the vaguest notion what Disneyland even is! Take her (& her dsis) on a day trip to Legoland/Chessington/Drayton Manor instead, she'll have more fun.

But she is, by all but blood. If you want to differentiate by that? Have a look at yourself. She’s a child! Do you have ANY idea of the damage this kind of exclusion can create? She is a child, she asked for none of this.

That it isn’t what you do or what you’re familiar with doesn’t mean it isn’t normal. It is.

She may be family, but she’s not a grandchild to her in laws any more than OP is her MIL’s daughter.

It is absolutely NOT normal. I have a step grand child. I have always treated her like she’s my own, including taking her on holiday and I would never exclude her in this way. She is an adult now, we have a very strong relationship, and she’s a fantastic person, but she was a child! Why would you exclude her? She’s family, end of.
And no, calling MIL cunt is not way out of line. If I had behaved like ops MIL? I’d be a cunt and I wouldn't have been able to sleep at night.

I actually agree with this, My Mum when I with my ex actually spent more time fussing about what his daughter would like and going to the ends of the earth for her (admittedly maybe to make my life easier) than my children. She never would of excluded her to the point my sisters wedding was coming up and we weren't sure if we needed one flower girl dress or two.

I don’t think MIL has done anything wrong. She is taking her DGC to Disneyland. And if it’s Paris, it will be absolutely fine, it’s manageable.

You win bingo for marrying someone while having a child already, and expecting IL’s to step in and treat her the same as their DGC without any prior discussion. They see her as your child. This is blended families, and you were the one who blended her with another family.

My DM would take my DC away but not SDC. She’s nice to them, but they’re not her DGC. SDC see their other family, but if they didn’t, that wouldn’t put any more bearing on my DM to step up.

Personally I would put my foot down and refuse to allow my 5yo to go.

I have to tell my youngest she isn’t going which I don’t think will ride with my husband or tell my eldest she isn’t going and her sister is. Neither of us could stop stepdaughter going. Sophie’s Choice.

I sympathise with the dilemma and the feelings, but using the words 'Sophie's Choice' is tasteless. It's about a visit to Disneyland, not sending one child to the gas chambers.

This.

I'm hoping your DH steps up.

This is so sad. Did you try to retain a relationship?

My MIL has been asking to take my children abroad since they were younger and it’s still a no. They are a lot older than 5 and still too young. A lot can happen abroad. To children OR the adults in charge. Sickness, injury. I am not able to fly out and be there if it did.

There’s no way in hell I would risk not being there for my 5 year old.

Yes, and nothing OP has said has changed my mind on this point. The most sensible thing would be for DSD to go and the other two stay at home.