Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

I agree with your points about MIL, DSD and younger DD for the most part. But I don’t agree with your comments about OPs eldest DD. Eldest DD is not lacking resilience because she’s found this particular episode difficult to process. She’s 9 and it doesn’t sound like the child herself has been throwing strops about it, she has admitted to feelings of sadness to be missing out privately to her own mother, which is I think is natural and a normal way for a 9 year old to work through feelings of disappointment, OP even says she’s been putting a brave face on it. So I don’t think she’s lacking resilience at all based on the information we have. The adults are kicking off sure, but they were doing that before DD was even told, not in response to her being told. I guess one could say she has no right to even feel disappointed but I think any kid would be in her shoes given the opportunity on offer here and sounds like she is trying to take it in her stride.

Has it always been a bad relationship between your daughter and dh daughter?

I feel very sad for the DSD and I'm glad her grandmother is really listening to her. She seems to have one adult that isn't trying to shoehorn her into a situation she is very unhappy in.

It's also good that the Dad is standing firm and saying his youngest DD should go. If he didn't she would probably resent the eldest DD even more. I don't buy the argument that she would stand up for eldest DD, I think that is unrealistic and naive. Deep down it would just sow another seed of resentment that would further isolate eldest DD.

It's a very sad situation all round but I think the OP has to shoulder a lot of the responsibility for setting up her eldest DD for disappointment and heartbreak. It's very clear from her posts that there is a level of resentment towards DSD, whether she consciously acknowledges it or not. It plain to see in every posts despite attempts to counter it with reasonableness.

As for the eldest DD, I feel very sorry for her because she's been sold the lie of the magical blended family replacing her missing dad. It was always a shaky ground on which to build her sense of security and has now come crashing down. That's on her mum I'm afraid, no one else. You cannot abdicate that responsibility to other people such as MIL to sort out. That is deeply flawed and unfair.

Personally, I think if eldest DD can access some counselling it would be beneficial to help with her processing all this. She really needs an outside perspective to help her work through this mess.

This is such a common thing with so called blended families. Two people with children get together and they think everyone should feel how they do about it. Life doesn't work like that.

MIL is not a cunt because she doesn't treat a child like a grandchild when they are not her grandchild.
SD is not a bitch because she wants time with her dad and her family without her stepsister always there.
Youngest daughter is not wrong for wanting to be included with her dads family even when her half sister isn't.

Of course it would be nicer and easier if everyone saw things the same way and were all happy families together. But they don't and they're not obliged to because of your family choices. OPs elder DD needs to be taught resilience and that families are different and that it's ok. Not that her mum is having constant hissy fits because she can't control everyone else's feelings and actions. It's so unhelpful.

Blended families are hard - but OP doesn’t get to make the rules for every member.

I think that's the thing.

Even if her husband was a fabulous SD you can't expect anyone else to follow suit.

Op's husband's eldest doesn't live with him full time but can't seem to have time without not only her younger sister there, but also Op's daughter, both of whom live with him full time.

No surprise that she doesn't like Op's daughter really!

I know - this is heartbreaking. Poor kid. OP desperately wants all children to be seen as exactly the same when they aren’t. Her step daughter wants reassurance that she is still lived by her dad, her eldest daughter has been rejected by her biological dad and her mum is trying to pretend her step dad is her real dad and no one is happy.

Blended families are hard - but OP doesn’t get to make the rules for every member.

What a tough decision. I can kind of see everyone’s point of view a bit. I hope at least you can limit your pre and post Disney conversations about the trip a little bit when your eldest is in earshot. Maybe that’s all you can do.

I think the only way all three must go works really is if both op and her Dh where going.

Because then it would be wrong of either parent to leave one of their children out while taking the sibling on a trip such as Disney.

I doubt op or those people saying all or none of their children would be going, would actually care if her or their mother took both her or their daughters away and not her step daughter.

Which is where the double standards come in that dh’s mum should not take both his children in some people’s eyes.

This is a granny taking her grandchildren not taking ops household on a trip since the parents are not invited. At that point it would be wrong to not include ops daughter if she herself was invited.

I’m slightly on the fence overall, but using the ‘DS has to go because her sister is going’ does not work when the other sister is not going.

I see what you mean.

Although the sister who isn't going hasn't been invited!

@GeorgeClarkefan
"Obviously she was jumped on for this"

• OP - what does jumped on mean here? What did you say to your stepdaughter three years ago?

The whole thing is nonsensical because there are different rules and expectations and their are 3 girls (3 not 2) stuck in the middle of all of this

but @GeorgeClarkefan is part of the nonsense she has in part created this but creating a two tier hierarchy with her stepdaughter and not recognising the impact that would have

ALL adults IMO are to blame for this mess and the MIL is just trying to navigate it with having to balance the needs of her granddaughters

bexuase yes the OP stepdaughter should be ok with the eldest coming the fact she isn’t is because of the OP

I wouldn't want my 5 year old going on this trip regardless of the blended family issues, but I presume the distinction is that one set of sisters get to live together and see each other all the time. Whereas the other set don't, and one of them gets told off for wanting some time just them when they've not seen each other for several weeks.

@diddlgenerally I don’t think half sibs all need to do the same thing. But he is using different rules for the dc. One isn’t allowed to go without her sister, the other is.

That’s a piss poor reason to use. I’m slightly on the fence overall, but using the ‘DS has to go because her sister is going’ does not work when the other sister is not going.

That’s non sensical.

Not if it's the paternal GM who wants to take them.

So DH’s youngest has to go because her eldest sister is going. But your DD can’t go even though her younger sister is going?

That’s non sensical.

Three years ago she saw her dad for the first time in three weeks as she had been at a family wedding, they settle down to watch a film with little one on her knee and when my daughter went to sit down SD asked her to leave as this was her time. Obviously she was jumped on for this but it set the tone.

I feel quite sorry for your SD there tbh.

I 100% agree

And I totally understand that you are always going to care more about the feelings of your daughter than your step daughter. But it's highly hypocritical to then criticise your MIL for caring more for her granddaughter's feelings than her step granddaughter's

I don't know if it's the root, but clearly there's significant resentment on the part of your DSD in which she has involved MIL, and that you weren't aware of the level of it until you were told.

While I think this trip is an impractical idea on principle, setting that aside, it's actually pretty easy to see how DMIL has been put into a difficult position here through the actions of others. The decisions made by DH in particular have led to DSD being forced to deal with a living situation where another child gets more of her father than she does. DMIL has evidently been one of the pressure valves for her. Neither party had any agency in the matter.

Really I think there has to be an emphasis now on allowing DSD that time with her paternal family, without the child who she sees as being in her place. It's good that you're willing to accept the two girls having time together that doesn't involve DD1, I think it'll be beneficial.

At the start of this I totally agreed with you, but the more I thought about it, I'm leaning towards the other way.
I think your mil is stuck in a no win situation and the root of this is her oldest granddaughter.
There is def resentment there and it doesn't seem to have been resolved. If I was the gm, I would def be choosing my blood grandchildren.
It's all very sad, especially for the children.

You can't deprive your youngest kid because oldest is not a blood relative. She will resent her older sister if she misses out.

I know a family where the older child went to Lapland for a week with her father and grandparents, the younger child from a different father stayed at home.

So the 8 year old comes home and tells the 5 year old all the fun she had. The 5 year old was understandably upset that she had missed out but it wasn't her family. That's all there is to it.

I think your MIL is trying to make up for the fact your SD has had your eldest 'forced' on her. Almost out of a sense of loyalty. I get the impression that if the two elder girls had clicked and were best friends then MIL would happily embrace your daughter too.

It's a shame for everyone but your marriage has not magically created a sisterly bond between two young strangers and I'm not sure it ever will.

@GeorgeClarkefan I disagree I think the way you have all gone in with this has created that - the issues your Stepdaughter has are in most of your posts you just I think are holding on to it not being that because the version of truth you are projecting means it was always going to be this way rather than accepting your part

blood relatives are going to be the priority. You prioritise and talk constantly about two daughters and two sisters and see your stepdaughter as an adjunct in all of this and in your life. Your priorities and interests are your blood relatives.

so no proper integration has been done so your DH family have the same priorities but with their blood relatives

which is awful for your youngest who is at the centre of this venn diagram but not great either for the other two girls

and ALL the adults in this are responsible for creating a Venn diagram and not a circle

And your stepdaughter the other actual grandchild and niece and her feelings?

look like it or not you are so focused on your eldest you can’t see the bigger picture either which is that there is always for your youngest going to be differences in BOTH of her siblings and you have to work out how to navigate that because it seems close to the edge of resentment being so ingrained on both sides