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Original poster

Ds13 doesn't like home

29 replies

Blyhdsh · 01/11/2025 13:28

Ds13 has adhd and autism spectrum doesn't like being home. He told me. He rather spends his days outside with friends because i am always complaining and nagging. He doesn't feel he can relax at home.

This is true. It makes me feel very sad and guilty and a bad mum, but this is true. I constantly nag and complain. He is not doing well at school. He doesn't listen in class, talks and messes around with friends instead. He cheats with his homework. Scribbles pages full of unreadable gibberish and pretends he did his work but just cant read his own handwriting. His grades are just above fail. If i don't nag and pretty much push him put of the door, he would never make it to school on time. Ive been to the school twice this term already for an intervention.

At home he doesnt do any chores unless forced. And i do force him. I am a single working mum of 2 boys and can't do all the chores myself. And i dont think i should. His responsibilities are keeping his room clean, tidying up his own messes and taking recycling out. Thats it. Thats all i ask. But its always a nag and a fight.

The consequences of not doing school work or chores is always loosing phone/ screen time. I always keep my word and take it away but he always screams and shouts when its taken away. He has always screamed the whole house down if something upsets him. This is nothing new, but i thought he would be over it by now. But no. Still screams. Maybe it is an autistic meltdown. I dont know.

Rewards dont work. Schedules dont work. Having something nice to 'earn' doesnt interest him. Its either full on nagging battle, or he just doesnt do anything other than mess around with friends. He is a friendly sociable sporty boy. Loving also. But we are constantly fighting. Calm talks have him agree to do something. He is very good at saying yes, yes, yes i will do better, take more responsibility, be on time for school, but then nothing. Nothing changes.

I just have no other tools to cope with him. Please help! His friends are ok, i have no concerns with that, but i just dont want to push him put of the house like this. What can i do?!

OP posts:
Endofyear · 01/11/2025 15:05

Maybe time for a change of approach? Instead of nagging, have a whiteboard in the kitchen with chores/responsibilities for each family member so that there's no excuses. Then you can say once 'You need to do X today' and if it's not done, there will be a consequence. Then leave him to it but follow through with the consequence if chore is not done. If he likes to be out with his mates, I would ground him for the evening if he hasn't completed his homework/chores to a reasonable standard. Tell him he's growing up and you are trying to prepare him for adulthood and that you won't be nagging him any more but that you expect him to live up to his responsibilities just as you do. 13 is a difficult age even without his other challenges and it can be difficult for teens to organise their time - keep plugging away and it will get easier as he gets older 💐

Meadowfinch · 01/11/2025 15:00

Chin up and keep going OP, you are doing a brilliant job and he will appreciate it one day, when he is able to maintain a relationship because of the standards you have put in place.

It is exhausting though. I have to nag mine to do the basics too, and he's NT.

I think it's just teenage boys. Or teenagers as a whole. Drive you to distraction.

Look on the bright side. In three years you can offer him the choice of doing as you ask or leaving, and then he will realise how much he values his home.

Thatstheheatingon · 01/11/2025 14:54

I don't think your boundaries are wrong but it would be good for home to be a calmer place. I found the book "10 days to a less defiant child" really helpful. Stopped me losing my temper with mine so much.
No one is happy in an environment where they feel they are hearing negative comments all the time (even if we feel they are deserved!) Young people with adhd hear so many criticisms every day, and often have very low self esteem.

CurlyKoalie · 01/11/2025 14:49

You are giving clear bounderies and your ds doesn't like it.
Maybe other people back off if he has a meltdown over decisions he doesn't like.
It's strange how all the experts on autism and ADHD say that clear predictable boundaries are the best thing and yet many of the parents/ teachers of these children back off and make excuses when the going gets a little tough.
Stick to your guns. You really are instilling the best values. There will come a time when your efforts are appreciated, but it might be a few more years yet!