i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

But they are both parents of these four kids - so why not every weekend or at least half the time even if it’s a mixture of week days and weekends? 50/50 is very common nowadays.

As a third party you need to go into a relationship with a parent who has four minor children asking if you’re prepared to take care of them full time because custody arrangements can change.

Especially in this case where OP’s husband is claiming this woman is a careless alcoholic.

If your answer to that question is no, don’t marry the parent of four kids!

ETA: And seeing your young children once a month is really poor. Why are you advocating he sees his kids even less than he should rather than suggesting he reduces his hours so he can parent his kids every weekend?

If your husband isn't home but working then why are they with you? It's supposed to be when he is off work to spend time with them. Perhaps stay at a cheap hotel some weekends yo recharge. Let your husband deal with them all.

Where is the kids wellbeing in all this?

You spend no weekends with your daughter? No quality time? How sad for her and you, or don’t you want her?

And the 4 kids who come to see their dad sees nothing of him? Why does he work 12 hour days both days when his kids are round? Does he not care to see them?

Adults making poor choices. Some adults should never become parents. Poor kids.

Well if he cant take any time off from his restaurant to be a parent to his kids then at the least he needs to hire a nanny to cover weekends.
(He sounds like a waste of space)

One weekend on , one weekend with out the children so you get a break ? That’s what we did and it worked as the kids wanted more time at weekends at home as they had local mates they never saw . Lots of people may disagree but you need to think of your life here too and how you feel . You can’t give the best to anyone if your run ragged and unhappy and your are important too .

This is a valid point. Everyone is slagging off the bloke but actually is he paying for the op to do her masters via paying her and her dcs living costs, then her return to him would be looking after his kids on a weekend.

So why is he voluntarily paying £2000 a month?!

Wow. She gets to relax and you don’t. She has them 5 days a week and they are your stepchildren? The one and only person you should be angry with is your husband. He should be doing a lot more to help! They spend the weekends with you to spend time with their father not for their mum to have time off. So he should be doing that and helping with the housework. You sound very fed up so you need to talk about this. Maybe get a cleaner and get take aways. Don’t take it out at the kids or their mum. I doubt she wants them with another woman?

If the kids mum did the same as you - marry a man with kids, then she would have been in the same situation as you. But she didn’t so she isn’t.
Its not fair to blame her.
Your dh needs to step up.

But not every week-end. This is enough to screw the relationship. And why are they pulling curtains down, peeing beds etc? And why, if they do that, is their father not fixing it?
It's not about having them it's that they are awful DC. Say no, only once a month and H clears up - or they don't come at all and he can take them to the zoo or whatever over the week-end.

So when is he having a relationship with his kids then? When did he before you came along?

Have you spoken to him to come up with a solution? He can't just allow them to be cared for by you each weekend. This is meant to be the time HE bonds with them, not you.

He needs to sort this out and if I were you I'd either go out on the weekend or don't open the door. All the while it's your problem , he won't change it. Make it HIS problem.

Doesn't he actually want to see them??

No, that’s not true. Plenty of us have pointed out that all three of the adults involved (you, the ex and the husband) are a mess and it’s clear that your husband is taking the piss and is being a crap father and parent .

It’s you who is hyper focused on painting yourself and your partner as victims, and blaming it all on the ex.

When really the only victims are the kids.

Your DH is the problem

Well you are a mug. Go out at the weekends. Let him sort child care for HIS kids. Why is he working when they are over???

I am sorry this has happened to you. It’s clearly spiralled out of control and now everybody’s needs are being met… apart from yours.

So I suppose it’s a case of put up and shut up which sounds like it will suit everybody around you, or take action. I think at this point moving back in with my parents would look like a reasonable option to me. At least until your husband and his ex wife came to logical agreements about CM and childcare.

Not a chance I would allow somebody else’s broken marriage to destroy me both financially and mentally. If you take yourself out of the equation they will be forced to come to an agreement without you and inturn you could perhaps try and mend your broken marriage.

If he doesn’t want/try after you walking away you know he’s used you as ‘Step Mummy Daycare’ while it suited.

This doesn’t add up - how could he have time to visit them if he’s working 12 hours a day 7 days a week, and they live 3 hours away?

You know full well the reality is he wouldn’t see them at all if the didn’t drop them off and you,rather shamelessly, would be ok with that right? You’d be more than ok, ecstatic really.

Why should the ex have them at her house 100% of the time? Again I wouldn’t like my place being overrun by my exes four kids, but to avoid that problem I’d not get with a man with four kids!!

What I wouldn’t do is marry him then moan about his kids coming over to your shared house.

Then if they're harming your child, you need to leave. That should be your primary concern, not complaining that the ex gets to relax.

You say you can't leave because of money... what did you do before you met him? If he comes home tonight and says he wants a divorce, what would you do? If you're only with him for money, is it wrong that he's only with you for childcare?

Your child needs a safe space, that's for your and her dad to work out. You say he's a good guy, what can the two of you do?

This!!

I think this is a very good idea. If you could stay with them until you've finished your masters and have a job you could save the money for a flat deposit and get a safe and secure place for you and your child away from the insane mayhem you're currently living in.

If you were my child I'd be horrified by your life - I expect your parents are too and will be willing to help.

Pack your bags and leave. Go back to your parents. How can you stand any of this nonsense!? They are both taking the piss out of you, wake up!

You have a serious husband problem, and you need to stop cleaning up after him and stepchildren etc on the weekend. He's their parent. You are not. Make some nice plans on your own in the weekend and leave them to it!

You've been asked several times - why can't you go back to your parents? Pause your Masters, get a job, earn enough to rent somewhere for you and your child.

Why does he bother having the children every weekend if he’s not there anyway? Surely that defeats the purpose?? If he isn’t there to have them then there’s no point. Your bitterness towards the childrens mother is misdirected, it’s not unreasonable of her to expect to be able to drop them at the home of their own “father”. It’s your husband being unreasonable expecting to work all weekend when he should be seeing his children that he hasn’t seen all week. I suspect it’s that by “having” them these 10 days a month it reduces having to pay any more in CM.

@Pricelessadvice your user name is ironic as you have no advice at all.