i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

@stepparent55 I very rarely post and I can understand your frustration and problem with the situation. However, the key part here is the children.

You have said you don't want to report the mother of these 4 children to social services because you don't want to be the bad guy. Sorry but unless you are ready to insist that your partner takes full custody then she has to be reported. These children need a stable home life and it doesn't sound like either parent can provide it. Unless you are willing to, I completely understand why that would very quickly become untenable, then the state must step in.

I do not believe in blaming everything on benefit fraud but it seriously sounds like the mother is not declaring everything she is being given. Therefore this also needs reporting.

This will make your life hard but for the sake of those children it has to be done.

Some people on here really need to think before they type ....
You have done absolutely nothing wrong OP.
Your daughter should have a safe environment to live with you, not have her belongings trashed, and be mocked by these brats, and your husband ignoring this in particular is truly awful.
If he wants his kids every weekend then he has to find a job that accommodates this and sell his business.
His ex sounds like a manipulative piece of shit that needs a reality check. If the business goes, the money will go down drastically.
What is he thinking, you guys living like paupers and her living the dream basically.
Don't move back in, concentrate on your masters, suck up and ignore all the told you so's, and enjoy some peace and quiet with your daughter, and don't be affected by some of the replies you have had on here.

But you said previously that she doesn't allow him to sell it... if it's only his he can do what he likes with it

She was so bad yet he had 4 children with her... go figure

I hope you finally left that loser and got away from that circus?

I really hope you have gotten away from this user and his ex.
His children are nothing to do with you.
They are not your problem.

If your daughter is ASD, this chaos is not doing her any favours at all.

I really hope your parents support you.
Don't allow him and his ex make a mug out of you any further.

Why do you keep blaming your husband's ex wife for this situation? Do you think it's unreasonable somehow they have a shared custody arrangement? .

Or even better, leaving the house on a Friday until Sunday so their parents have to, you know, parent them!

But as she has moved out anyway, it has been sorted.

It is correct because it's not just the child maintenance she's receiving. She's receiving rental income from the 4 bed property.

Yes and also this made me think, what’s stopping OP from going to restaurant to do weekend shift? What is it DH is doing that can’t be transferred. Managing a team, waiting on tables? Reconciling the till. I learnt all that in a couple of months. Would be a nice break for her, adult interaction. He gets to see his kids.

What?!!!!

Marrying a man with 4 kids after a year and a half, and living in a one bedroom apartment while he works 7 days a week/10 hour days doesn’t ring true???!!

Bowl me over with a cement feather I’m shocked.

Well hopefully your moving out will be make or break for your relationship. If he loves you then he needs to stop tiptoeing around his ex and take some responsibility for the mess he's allowed her to make. On the other hand, if her voice is the only one he's listening to then you're better off out of it.

Sounds like the children aren't parented properly and are allowed to wreck the house. Your DH needs to understand that if he has his kids over he needs to look after them himself (not help out, actually do it himself), which also means stopping them from turning the house upside down and cleaning up after them (and actually getting them to clean up after themselves)

It sounds like a terrible situation for those children. Their mother is an alcoholic, yet their father is happy to let them live with her the majority of the time. He barely sees them at all. You are actually the fortunate one in this scenario. You can LTB and cheerily wave goodbye. Those poor children are stuck in a horrendous situation not of their own making. They have no choice. My sympathy is with them 100%.

His ex gets free weekends because she wasn’t foolish enough to shack up with someone who has kids. If you didn’t want this and wanted free weekends like her, you should have married someone who was childless.

I have scoured OP's posts for evidence that she has the common sense, language skills and emotional intelligence required to study for a master's in law. I haven't found any.

"broke as a whistle"?

Because OP, they conspired to keep all of the assets in his name, even though she was living in the house, in order to allow her to get a council house then flog/rent it out and move back into the family home. Obvious conspiracy to commit fraud.

If you are genuinely studying law, which I somehow doubt, I hope to god you never represent me.

But the kids don't have everything they need if they're being forced to share a one bed flat with you and your child, rather than the four bed property your husband actually owns, but would rather rent out??

when we got our financial orders the lawyers said that the £X I receive had to be detailed as the exact CM that should be given and then the extra over it is SM. This makes sense as otherwise I could claim UC despite our ‘family’ pot being reasonably substantial which would be out of order.

Sorry, I misinterpreted your post. Of coure both biological parents are parents and the mother should not have 95% of the childcare. The problem is OP's DH, and she is right to leave. This is an untenable situation. But H's ex is also culpable, dealing out threats re the house she did not want part of in her divorce settlement etc. Toxic relationship - no wonder the DC are badly behaved.

This isn’t true unless you also have a financial order in place.

OP, if their divorce is finalised to the point you are now married then this woman has no claim whatsoever to his property, empty or sold. She can’t just move in to his 4 bedroom house. Thats actually insane.

What a mess.

Well he is having to live with your child 5 days a week ..........

OP well done for protecting your DD and you by going back to your parents for a while.

Do not go back until he has sorted out this shitshow. CAO in place and a FO sorted.

I mean I wouldn’t go back at all quite frankly.

I have been a lone parent for many years, your financial independence now needs to come first. There are many ways to sort the wrap around child care for your DD so you can get back to work AND finish your masters surely?

i am definitely staying single for a while now believe me i am traumatised

You said upthread that you were not splitting up with him though, that you would just live separately?

Also you're going to stay single "for a while"??? Jesus Christ, if you think you're "traumatised" by this whole situation then just think how profoundly traumatised your 5 year old child with SEND must be. Clearly, your DH and his Ex are a pair of walking disasters who aren't fit to parent their own children, that's not on you. But you were the one who decided to marry a man you barely knew and move your vulnerbale child into a 1 bedroom flat with him knowing the colossal baggage he came with. Your DD didn't get to make that choice. For her sake, I sincerely hope you can forget about meeting anyone else and focus on creating the stable environment she deserves for longer than "a while".