Husband constant white lies, what to do?

@Ratafia

Co-parenting is generally a term applied to parents who have split up but both remain in the DCs lives.

You really can't say things are "so good". Because they are not because of this I couldnt live like this

I was married to a lazy manchild, who lied all the time. All the time. I’d catch him out, and he would keep lying.

tt Was exhausting
and then he left me when our second baby was 10 days old.
life was so much easier. Loving and living with a liar is so so draining.

and he has bee lying to you since before the marriage,
i wouldn’t be buying a new house. I would be ending it.

di you really want your life to look like this in 10 years?

I don't agree with any advice you have had here about trying to understand/change him. You are dealing with enough already and don't need to invest time in understanding this for him. It is his shame and his stuff to face and understand and work with, not yours, and I very much doubt he will want any form of counselling or support as this would mean talking to someone who will see right through him and I would imagine he will avoid this at all costs.
I couldn't live with this OP, it is the little things that all add up and make you think you're going mad. My Dad lied a lot and my Mum tolerated it and tried to understand him to the ends of the earth and their constant dance with this meant that they had no interest in anyone else.

My sister is the same way, she tells many lies. I've asked her why. She's denied it then said, it's to make me look interesting?! She lies about where's she's been, who she saw, what was said, her top cost just £5, the cafe owner gave her a discount?! All kinds of pointless lies. Everyone knows she lies! She gets caught out numerous times and she'll just continue the story then admit its not true. Her friends and family laugh at her, behind her back. My nan's side call her "liar" but I can't laugh, it drives me mad. I don't speak to her anymore, because you don't know where you stand with someone like that. I honestly don't know how you'd stay with someone like that! I often wonder what big lies they tell too.

Driving erratically with me and my dc in the car would be a deal breaker for me
he sounds utterly tiresome but only you know if you want to continue with this circus

Have you considered if he's a pathological liar? What Is Pathological Lying, and Can It Be Treated? https://share.google/VUdcS2No5Z6DNe0tc

I was in a relationship with someone like this. You feel like you're going mad and because it's a 'little' lie, you're made to feel like youre making a fuss over nothing.
The thing is a person who will lie over pointless things will lie over big ones too.
Basic trust is the cornerstone of a relationship. If its not there, you're always on the backfoot waiting for the next thing to come out.
It messed me up for years and destroyed my self esteem because I got into a place where I could not longer trust my own judgement on anything.
I had to have a lot of therapy to be able to trust myself and others again.
OP, I rarely give LTB advice on here but you're already questioning yourself. This kind of relationship can do long lasting psychological damage. I can't think of any man who is worth it.

This isn't really for OP to fix though, she has tried several times to get him to therapy for help. He isn't fully engaging with it for whatever reason. She is perfectly within her rights to call it a day if she has had enough and can't cope or doesn't want this around her children any more.

They aren't just white lies. His behaviour means that you cannot trust a word he says. You must be constantly in a state of super-vigilance to try and work out what is fact and what is fiction.

You cannot have an equal relationship with someone like this. He is totally untrustworthy. Plus, he is setting such a bad example for your children.

Definitely - This is to do with his childhood. My father is like this because of his mother.

My ex is like this. There were big lies too. Agree with the early poster who said it's a control thing - for my ex the important thing was to feel smug knowing things I / others didn't, however trivial.

I talked to him about it, couples counselling, he & I both got individual counselling etc etc, but it was all pointless as ultimately his desire to change needs to outweigh his fear of relinquishing that sense of control, & it didn't. He continues to lie, to everyone around him but particularly to me & subsequent girlfriends.

Separating was hard because the lying is so disorientating. I spent years reminding myself constantly that I couldn't assume anything he said was factual. I had to always remember that he wouldn't give me any meaningful information about anything, so all I could do was focus on what I was in control of & give him an appropriate level of information. Anything that mattered, I followed up with a text or an email "You said xyz". But before I even got to the separating stage, I stopped asking questions or caring about what he told me. I wouldn't ask where the biscuits had gone or how his day at work had been etc because I was so tired of the bullshit. And I think that stage - choosing not to engage in conversations I knew would produce unreliable responses - helped me understand the real situation in our relationship & make the decision that it wasn't worth it long-term. YMMV of course.

@WonderingWanda

I hear what you are saying about it being a negative loop ie he lies, she senses it / it doesnt add up, she questions further or enters prosecutor mode, he feels attacked….typical drama triangle.

But the only way to break this cycle
is for him actually commit to stop lying and build the trust back up. Then there will be nothing for @Teanandtoast to interrogate.

My ex husband was like this. He was ND. My son is showing signs of similar behaviour and is also AuDHD. I am trying very hard to navigate this with a child but it’s extremely difficult. In my son’s case it’s more dramatic embellishment but ultimately it’s not true. I call him out every time because I am so fearful that he will be like his father who was a prolific liar about absolutely everything and it so easily tripped off his tongue. It becomes obvious to other people around you too. I feel it’s an executive function issue, like impulsive behaviour. I don’t have an answer though. I couldn’t bear it with ex. We are long divorced and he has no contact with us so he has no influence on our child which makes me
think it’s something to connected to his ND status.

Eh, what you have written is nonsensical

Does he do this around other people too that you are aware of? If out with friends would he make things up? What about work, as far as your aware does he get on with the job without lying?

My ex was the same, it drove me mad (and you wonder if you are actually going mad!). We broke up over something else but I think it is worth breaking up over because it’s a matter of trust and you can’t trust him! I would have left my ex over it if I hadn’t over a different thing, because someone constantly lying (even over the most pointless things) is very bad for your mental wellbeing.

My ex isn’t ND but I do think he has some kind of PD (eg, no empathy, no feelings of shame or embarrassment, lies etc).

My DH can be like this, but not as bad. We've been together well over 30 years, so I know him inside out (and we're definitely not going to divorce). The lies are always the result of shame. The main thing he lies about is food, and that's got worse since he was diagnosed with diabetes (he has a very sweet tooth). He would definitely do the thing with the biscuits (but not the speeding). The weirdest thing, is that I eat crap/sweet food/junk food all the time - I'm not a health freak at all, and I've never once criticised him for what he eats. But then, I know the lies are not for my benefit - he's not lying to me, he's lying to himself. In his head, he thinks that if he doesn't admit it then it never happened.

I've put it down to him being brought up by an alcoholic mother who lied all the time to cover her alcoholism and mostly got away with it, and an overly critical father.
The other big thing my DH lies about is what he does in his spare time - he's always pulled his weight with the kids (mostly grown up now), worked hard, does all the cooking/shopping/meal planning etc, so I have no issues on that front, but he always lies about what he does in his spare time (gaming/doom scrolling whatever) i.e. he won't admit he ever does anything that's not "useful". In his head, he thinks he's procrastinating, so he shouldn't be doing it, so he lies. Again, it's a shame thing, and I can definitely imagine his Dad getting mad with him if he wasn't constantly doing something that his Dad deemed useful.

I am.not.convinced its really about lying. It seems.to be that his gut instinct is always always to ensure he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. It could be due to shame, it.could be just because he is a lazy man child. I dont know. But it has to be exhausting.

Hes a pathological liar, he probably needs to speak with a psychologist and get diagnosed. He is probably lying about most things in his life and his past and they only come forward when they have been caught in the lie.

My dad was /is like this. As I have grown up I find there is no point talking to him as there is no real consistent person there, just a body that comes out with whatever nonsense comes into his brain and any particular moment. He lies about tiny things and huge things.

i have inherited/learned it a bit. I hear myself do it ( always tiny things) and I just can’t understand why I’m doing it, even as I do it. But I never do it about big things, or things that I have thought about. It seems to be things that I am out on the spot for.

OP he needs to be interested in why he does it and care about the impact on you.

good luck.

my family and kids would think I'm totally crazy separating over things like the tiny lies

“He’s a serial liar who tells me multiple lies every. single. day. He’s been to counselling and his behaviour has not changed. I cannot continue to be in a relationship with someone who will not give me the basic decency of honesty.”

Other than this, we are happy and get on well.
This doesn’t matter. If he’s gaslighting you 24/7, you can never get your bearings and know which way is up. It’s constant second-guessing and never knowing if what he is saying is true. This sounds exhausting.

To be honest, you knew he was like this before you married him, yet still chose him to be the father of your children. Perhaps you should delve deeper into this.

My 15 year old lies, the neighbour over the road tells some right corkers plus also loads of little bragging shit ones. I just don’t get it, what’s the point.

I call my son out on his all the time but he just denies he’s lying. The neighbours ones I let just wash over me and don’t discuss whatever he’s lying about. My son’s dad is a liar too, mainly about me and he also exaggerates shit. No way would I be married to one or stay married to one. It’s incredibly tiring. You just can’t trust them and I just don’t believe anything now.