Husband constant white lies, what to do?

I don't disagree with your New Zealand point. In this scenario I wonder if it is to "fit in". Whatever the reason, I find it baffling because people usually get found out in the end.

OP's DH sounds selfish and reckless as well as dishonest. Your advice is to let him break the speed limit or eat OP's share of the biscuits and either never confront him about his behaviour or raise the issue and accept his dishonest response and never challenge his lies in case he feels ashamed?

If I were her, I would much rather split up.

@Teanandtoast I wonder if this article would be of use to him, would he read it?

Leave him or don't leave him, it really is your choice. It all depends on what you think you can put up with. Seems to be his constant lying versus your needs as a family for financial security. You have to figure out which one is most important to you - both in the short and long term.

BUT, I lie all the time, am diagnosed autistic, have carried some sort of formal diagnosis of MH since before I was 10 - and I'm nearly 60 now. It's most likely connected to having to mask 24/7 and early trauma. However, I am in therapy (and have been for years) because I recognise that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I've also been married 35 years. Have never done anything dreadful that I've covered up with lies. It's more like I invent my own version of reality because it's so hard to process everyone else's in real time. Although quite intelligent, I do have significantly slow processing speeds. As I say, though, I'm accountable for my actions so once I've had a chance to process something I'll go back to my husband and tell him about my mistake. Over the years, he's come to understand that I'm just an unreliable narrator if he springs stuff on me, so he doesn't spring stuff on me.

On a related note, I'd say most people are liars. They form opinions without sufficient evidence and they have a point of view that requires them to ignore anything significant that would make them change their point of view.

You cam understand why he does it. You certainly do not have to put up with it. I didnt. Dh went and got therapy or I was walking

There's an interesting article here, about how to distinguish between a compulsive liar and a pathological liar and how it affects relationships. Pathological Liar vs. Compulsive Liar Partners: 7 Key Differences

I had one of these. Little lies to mass fantasies. He still does it now.

You have 2 choices. Put up with it and assume he's lying or get rid of him. They don't change

https://www.additudemag.com/compulsive-lying-adhd-adults/amp/

Now I've just read your post and that is certainly more like my ex!

One of the first replies has a very good point, starts in childhood possibly for many reasons. Someone connected to my family is like this, very draining and makes zero sense to us, they have had one session of individual therapy and a theme emerging is lack of self esteem, avoiding confrontation and difficulties expressing themselves. They are going to continue with the therapy. That's not to say the relationship will continue but may enaboth sides to see the reasons. Good luck OP.💕

Fyi, these aren't "white lies". White lies are ones where the liar receives no benefit, but someone else's feelings are spared.

Once I was out with my boyfriend, who ordered a "draught" beer, pronounced to rhyme with "ought". I was teasing him about the way he pronounced it, and the bar man (who we didn't know), came to my bfs rescue saying "drort" was a normal way of pronouncing it(!) Stepping into the role of wing man. This is an actual white lie.

Your husband pretending to have gone to New Zealand, would have been to make himself sound more worldly / interesting / give himself leverage in a debate about New Zealand / to fit into a group of people better. As such, it's just a regular lie.

That's interesting, thank you for the insight. He could also be hurtfully honest about some things!

People who are ASD more often than not are wedded rigidly to 'their truth' and will repeat that over and over. Call it a lie, call it their truth, but I dont know why this incorrect presentation keeps being repeated over and over that people with ASD dont or cant lie, they absolutely can and do, for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes they want their version to be true, sometimes they're trying to get away with something, sometimes its what they think has happened despite evidence to the contrary that they wont take into account

Please stop presenting misinformation about the spectrum it is not helpful

That might be right about things like the speeding or the biscuits but he wasn’t going to get in trouble for not having been to New Zealand. My parents used to know someone and he just made up all kinds of shit all the time. Everyone that knew him thought he had a different job because in whatever conversation he’d say “I’m a X” (fireman, lorry driver, farmer). Someone thought he had 3 sons that played rugby, whereas he had 3 daughters that I went to guides with. He told a neighbour his wife was a doctor and they believed it for years then one day cut their hand and went to her door for help. She was utterly baffled. Some people just lie about everything.

I’m now disabled and don’t want to be on my own. Have thought about it but he does a lot for me. We just have a friends relationship now which is sad.

So kids are ND. I ws going to say adhd or auadhd profile. Dh was terrible for this (adhd) where I hate lies.

I did quite a bit of reading on the subject od adhd and lies

Had a few issues with own kids. I now ay take a minute and come back to me when u can tell me the truth

Fuck off with that!!

Jesus, talk about gaslighting the OP!!!

That doesn't sound like ASD, people with ASD are more often bluntly honest (not that I'm saying they're incapable of lying). People who are ND are at higher risk of developing a personality disorder though and I would suspect that that may be true of your ex.

Imagine taking on the responsibility of changing the way you communicate because otherwise your partner will lie to you. Making it into a new way of living, where it's your fault if he lies. He's an adult - he knows how much this (obviously) upsets the OP, who is living in the hideously stressful situation of never knowing if anything she's being told is true or not. She has one life. He can seek therapy on his own time. It is absolutely not her responsibility to manage his propensity to lie, and I think it's unreasonable to even suggest it as a course of action.

I was just going to say this, almost certainly ND

Not helpful anyway, it doesnt matter if he is or isnt, the point is he cant change it and its not good for you OP

Also other posters should be much kinder to the OP, she doesnt need berating or criticism, life isnt as simple as 'just leave, why havent you left'.

Not sure if this helps OP, but I had a boss who lied about EVERYTHING! She'd even lie to me when she knew I already knew the truth. I've always thought it was a case "if I say the same lie often enough it becomes the truth" (in her head). Anyway eventually I left as the lying, combined with other appalling behaviours, I couldn't work for her anymore.

Some time later I was having counselling about a completely unrelated matter and we discussed "lying". So I told the story of the old boss and said I couldn't get my head round why she was always lying, even when she knew I knew it was a lie. So the counsellor said "it's to get herself out of trouble". This still didn't make sense to me as I said, but she gets found out eventually. Counsellor said "in the moment, it doesn't matter, at that point she is getting herself out of trouble". So we eventually worked out for some reason it was her MO probably stemming from childhood. It doesn't make it right what your DH is doing, but for me, it helped me understand where it was coming from.

I was with my lying husband for over 30 years, believe me it is never too late to leave for your own sanity.

I Feel for you so much as I have the same with my DH. Mainly white lies but others aswell. I have been with him 35 years and other issues within the relationship but too late now.
It’s exhausting and makes me feel like I’m going crazy. When we’re with friends he will tell elaborate stories. I now call him out on it in front of people. I think he actually believes himself now.
He lies to me and now I pick up on it. I absolutely hate it and now don’t believe a word he says. He goes for a dog walk every day and lies about going in the pub and is gone for hours sometimes. He never lets me go with him.

Others know he lies and exaggerates too.
It’s horrible because I can’t trust him.

He had an emotionally abusive father and it seems like he’s terrified of being told off. I’m pretty easy going and I feel like I have a child round me. He has told me before when caught out that he’s frightened I’m going to tell him off. Makes me feel like an ogre and I’m not.

Recently he has been diagnosed with ADHD and highly likely autistic. The psychiatrist said this.
I researched it and can be an ADHD trait.
It doesn’t make it any easier and I’m stuck with him.

Sorry I have no useful advice to give, OP. But I feel for you. It would drive me mad. Lying disorientates people because you never know what's real. It's also a power thing: the liar gets a little power-trip from having given you false information, so they know something you don't know.

I do sympathise with him if it stems from a childhood fear of angry adults. But we all have to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves.

My ex DH was like this, lying, gaslighting till I thought i was the problem - in the end it turned out he ticked all the boxes for covert narcissism.

It's probably from childhood, over bearing mother who loved very conditionally type thing and non existent self esteem.

If it's as deep as NPD then there is no cure and he will lie in therapy as much as he lies to you - in fact therapy often just makes narcissists into better narcissists. He will use the therapist for supply and often they are as fooled as anyone.

It's no life OP - especially when it turns out that they're just as prepared to lie about really big things too. Please don't feel you have to babysit him into being able to tell the truth, he is not 5 years old and this is not your issue to fix.