Husband constant white lies, what to do?

He is the problem not her. Why should she bend over backwards to account for his problems?

Why are you being so horrible?

You have my sympathy and understanding. My sister couldn't say good morning without lying twice, and although it wasn't the only issue with her, it was a huge one. I was always on my guard with her, and her behaviour destroyed any chance we had of a decent relationship.

We were NC, and when she died earlier this year, one of my first thoughts was relief that she couldn't tell any more lies.

If you leave and your family etc question it, ask them how they would cope with being lied to all the time. Doesn't matter what it's about, it's the erosion of trust, the gaslighting, and the fear that he'll influence your children to think that it's the best way forward in any given situation.

💐

Not sure if anyone's already asked this, but if your kids are ND, is he too?

DC1 (12) is ADHD and when they were about 9/10 the lying was off the charts! It's a thing - it's a way of making sense/ order of things for an ADHD brain I think. They grew out of it mostly, although there are still many occassions when they will argue to the death that black is white...

Interesting. DS1's dad was exactly the same. Just one of his lies that comes to mind: claiming he was vegetarian because I am.( I really don't care what other people eat, and never comment on their dietary choices). Then a week later he was roasting a chicken for himself 🙄. It turns out that not all of his lies were harmless- over the years he has done some very bad things indeed, and DS1 has never had any contact with him, thankfully.

Yet DS also has this compulsion to lie. It drives me mad. Recently DS2 came and confessed to me that he'd snuck his tablet upstairs and been on it in bed, and I was like "Well that wasn't a very good idea was it, I bet you feel really tired today. Don't do it again!" and DS1 couldn't understand why I hadn't got crosser with him. But it was because DS2 had immediately owned up, whereas DS1 would have denied doing anything wrong- even though it was completely obvious- until I got really angry.

I'm constantly asking myself if there could be a genetic element to this somehow. I also wonder about ADHD- I think the subtler emotional and behavioural aspects to ADHD aren't well understood.

I totally agree with this.

I could not stand it at all. I would end the relationship.

I have a child like this and I’m about at the end of what I can cope with. But an adult- no I couldn’t do it at all.

Years ago I dated a man like this. Everyone knew he was lying, friends, family but he just kept on. I was the only one asking the obvious question why? I thought he improved within our relationship but who knows...like your husband it was lying about silly petty things. He once told a group of his friends we had to leave a party so I could catch the train home...they were all postmen who knew very well where I lived - in the same town as they all did. There must be a name for the condition.

I was married to someone like this. It erodes your confidence that anything they do or say is correct or factual, but makes you cynical about what other people say as well. They live in their own fantasy world and have no appreciation of how it is for other people having the manage their unreliability. I divorced him over a lie that broke the camel's back. However, we remain on friendly terms due to having kids, and some of the things he has done or said to other people (and me) post-divorce are just as outrageous and draining, Proper car crash stuff that means nothing he does or says is taken very seriously by anyone in my family. He has been in trouble at work over this, and nearly lost his job. It must be a mental health disorder to behave this way, as he has no accountability when caught out in a lie. He says he doesn't care what other people think of him, and I believe that. It must be exhausting for you having to filter fact from fiction all the time.

My concern would be that your children turn out the same.

I wondered this, and again not excusing the lying but all of your examples @Teanandtoast of your husbands recent lies seem that they could come from a place of defensiveness over being chastised. And that’s not to say you would tell him off but you may have fallen into a life where you have a parent/child situation and his first thought is to defend which is ultimately the lie, rather than tell the truth and risk what he may perceive as being ‘told off’.

Yes when I left my ex I couldn’t even face most of our mutual friends because I knew he would be spinning them a story that made him look innocent and the victim. And if I’d said what really happened I’d have looked petty and like I’d left someone for saying he had done the hoovering when he hadn’t, or examples like the biscuit or the car speed, that don’t in themselves matter. Because it’s not the actual things, it’s the damage it does to your relationship but my ex would act like I was such an unreasonable cow for being upset by it.

I can't believe you even married him

My first thought is does your partner have ADHD/ASD. The lies sound like a trait. Or maybe something deeper that's happened in childhood.

My ex husband was terrible for this, the lies were always things that didn't even matter but he would double down and never admit that he was lying even when caught out. Looking back he would tell me one thing and other people another to turn people against each other to keep us separate, just so he had an easy life. For example he told his new wife that I walked out and took his kids which was the opposite of what happened, and he told me that despite the 6 month agreement we had in place for introducing a new partner he had rushed into it with her because she kept mithering him to meet our kids. Turns out that was also a lie ans he happily introduced them within a week or two.

I have no advice OP but I empathise. I married a liar. I knew he exaggerated stuff but I had no idea of the extent of it until two years ago.
We are separated but because of circumstances that I wont go into, I'm stuck with him for a few years longer.
Its like he can't help himself. Sometimes he lies to get me off his case. Sometimes I guess for sympathy. Sometimes to make himself look more interesting. Sometimes its pointless lies that I can't grasp - why bother? I found out he had told a huge huge lie, a really serious lie, to his work colleagues shortly before he went off sick.
He told me when we first met that he had a heart condition. I spent extra money on travel insurance for two decades to cover it. It was a lie. I only found this out after he was hospitalised for something else and I asked the consultant if it would affect his current condition. Which of course was non-existent.
I cant believe I was so clueless, but I'm pretty much an open book so it never occurred to me before the big lies were revealed, that he's just been feeding me bullshit for 22 years.

Oh and I have a teenager with quite severe adhd, and she doesn’t do this. She might lie sometimes in a more normal teenage way but not the constant gaslighting/denial about everything. It’s not necessarily anything to do with ND.

Me too. I'd gave nuclear storm to one , he cried on the floor begging to stay. Pretend cry also. Got rid of.

One of my two husbands was like that. A little spinny-tales coward, trying to get what I can give without seeing that I'm owed honesty....

If you have own money, get rid. Lying means he despises you and can't make a simple effort to his wife

Read about lying. It's criminal in some cases, could it he cheats as well

I despair of men

Use his money and ignore the bustard in the bedroom.

@Teanandtoast wrote "I also think what hell on earth it would be to coparent with him".

I assume that by "coparent" she meant "bring up the kids while not living together".

However, I am guessing that @greengreyblue took it to mean "become parents of a child together".

I’d go mental because I hate liars.

I didn’t say that she needs to fix it - I just said that I suspect it’s related to his childhood.

OP I too know what this is like because my ex did it - it’s exhausting. I agree with PPs it’s some kind of habitual behaviour to avoid being in the wrong or “getting into trouble” and can also be to impress, which my ex also did and he would ridiculously embellish and exaggerate his achievements, namedrop famous people he “knew” (i.e. had met once) etc.

It’s OK to be understanding about the causes but I also realised that it was quite narcissistic as it was all about him and making himself feel better/OK. He just didn’t seem to grasp that being lied to was making me unable to trust anything he said and feel disrespected and frustrated, as well as the constant lies, and then untangling and arguing about them, made life difficult in itself. He’d also gaslight me that he hadn’t lied and we’d go round in circles with me getting more and more outraged at the blatant bullshit he was spotting. Then he’d play the victim because I’d shouted, which made it all my fault and he could convince himself he wasn’t the problem - so even the arguments served his purposes and he had no motivation to change.

There were other problems too but the lying was the hardest to handle. Ultimately I told him I was over it and if he lied to me again we were done. He lied again that evening - again about something tiny and inconsequential that would’ve have been a problem anyway - and that told me all I needed to know.

not saying it can’t be fixed, maybe it can but he’d have to actually understand he’s doing it and care about the impact on people around him. I’m much happier separated from mine (10 years on) - I can’t say what’s right for you but I do want to say I know what it does to you, it’s absolutely horrible and don’t underestimate the stress it’s causing you. It’s not just about how big or small the lies are, but the fact that it means you can never just interact honestly so it makes all communication exhausting and infuriating. Sending you a hug and these

I think you would both benefit from some therapy. Because it sounds like he's developed a habit where his go to response to conflict with you is to lie. There's a bunch of stuff that needs unpicking there. Why does he feel the need to 'get out of trouble' by lying rather than be honest and assertive with you? What's happened in his past or is happening now that makes him risk even bigger problems (being found out to be a liar) just to avoid your minor displeasure in the moment? He needs to understand his feelings about being 'in trouble' with you, and why that feels so uncomfortable he avoids it with a lie. I think you both need to be there, because you need to understand what's going on with the whole dynamic between you.

My husband has a bit of this but we sorted it out earlier on - it’s a defensive thing for him, and as time went on I realized his mum was/is abusive and a huge liar. So like a PP said it helps if I reword things so there is no pressure or fear. That reminds him I’m safe. I don’t do it all the time but enough that he doesn’t live in fight flight or lie.

edit to say that because it’s been so long and 4 separations this is probably not enough and I think divorce if I were you