Husband constant white lies, what to do?

@Teanandtoast just came on to say in these circumstances no I would not leave. People on here will egg you on to do it but in most cases they have no idea what it’s like bearing the responsibility for disabled children.

Unfortunately sometimes there is no good option. But leaving would create serious practical difficulties for you which there is no way to just brush aside. At least if you stay the difficulties are only emotional and you can do your best to numb yourself to it.

I would however make secret preparations to leave if/when your children can live independently or with less support from you. If that is never going to happen can you just mentally separate from him as much as possible?

Im sorry I know this is a really bleak response. I feel people here are not very realistic though. It all sounds so easy when it’s just words on a screen.

It's definitely not your job to contort and accommodate. I posted above about similar issues with my DH and realising since my ADHD daughter has her diagnosis and is lying etc that he probably has ADHD too.
BUT it's my job to support my child, not to fix my husband.
I've brought it to his attention and said it's fine if you have these issues, I understand they can feel out of you control. But you have to take responsibility for that and do something to help yourself manage that. You can't expect me to accommodate your difficulties if you're doing nothing to help yourself with them.

I have depression and anxiety and do A LOT to try and manage that so I do expect and get support from my husband, as a partner should.

Likewise I'm happy to support him if he's also working on things himself, but not to parent him, and I don't have to give him the same accomodations that my daughter gets.
Unfortunately he isn't proactive in helping himself despite so many suggestions and encouragement from me so it is affecting our relationship

I second what @Gair said. I think this is ND related behaviour, possibly motivated by fear of consequences plus impulsivity.
I hope things get better for you and DH learns to stop telling these lies.

I think he and possibly you too need to investigate the possibility that you're ND - persistent demand avoidance is a known sign of autism and could be connected to his reactions and resorting to lying.

I disagree. ND can very well explain what happened during the speeding incident - please see my longer comment above.

It's a separate question as to whether or not the OP wishes to separate over the recurring lies, but it can certainly be linked to ND issues.

Hi @Teanandtoast !

It sounds very frustrating.

Is your DH possibly ND too? It is highly hereditary, so if he's the biological dad of the kids it's quite an indicator. We have ND in the family, and it affects everyone differently, but some of the adults in the family will lie to avoid confrontation or out of anxiety and fear of having done 'the wrong thing' (and some are honest to a fault!). It is quite a common phenomenon. I think that the speeding and points on licence are also a common occurrence for this group unfortunately - can be due to concentration issues, poor time keeping due to executive function difficulties, impulsivity and more risk taking. Autism and ADHD often co-occur as well. I found this snippet for you to consider:

"When it comes to compulsive lying and autism, it’s important to dig deeper. What seems like repeated lying might actually be a sign of anxiety, a need for routine, or a way to cope with overwhelming situations.
Instead of intentional deceit, these behaviors could be masking deeper emotional or cognitive struggles."
https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-children-lying/

Autistic children grow up to be autistic adults, so the above might be relevant in your husband's case.

To the immediate situation of your exasperation with his lies, only you can decide if separating is the right thing to do. However, I would recommend not making this decision during an otherwise already extra stressful time with your upcoming move. Is this making everyone more anxious anyway (including yourself)? Transitions are extra challenging for the ND, as I am sure you will be aware from your experience with your children. If you have 3 high needs ND kids you will both be under extraordinary strain all of the time, and this should not be underestimated.

I happened upon this: www.drjothepsychologist.com/services clinical psychologist's blog today, and she specialises in helping parents of ND kids and ND people. I have no experience of her services, but I thought that some of her blog articles were spot on. If you can afford it she offers individual therapy too - maybe an idea for your DH or you both together?

Having a bit of experience of this problem (but not as severe or persistent as in your case), I find it's made much worse when the people in question are anxious or afraid. When they feel safe and secure (emotionally, physically, psychologically) the lies seem to disappear. If you can get to the root of why the lies are happening they might go away.

Good luck & take care!

My DH lies somewhat but not to the extent you have described. It is really destabilizing to my sense of calm and confidence. I feel like I can’t trust him. It is over little things but then it bites me later, like him saying he completed paperwork or that he has sorted out plans but not actually started researching let alone booking.

we Are currently separated and I am really busy and super tired. However not having to rely on someone that I can’t trust is so so much easier on my health and it has only been three months.

Erm… what are you on about?! In a healthy relationship the conversation goes something like this:

”did you eat the rest of the biscuits?”
”yes, sorry, did you want one?”
”no problem, we’ll get some more”

“how fast are you going?”
”ooops, 38, I’d better slow down”

Adults in relationships can have these conversations without it turning into a massive drama.

My thoughts @hazelnutvanillalatte is that females are (amd traditionally have been) conditioned to put others first or they are selfish, to please.others before themselves. It is toxic, isnt it?

I am in my 50s now and aware of this manipulation. I am doing my upmost not to continue this pantomime. Women are as valid/important as men. No-one should be brainwashed into thinking they must concede to others (my opinion).

I grew up in an abusive home and had to work very hard to break this habit. For me it was people-pleasing and instinctive subconscious fear. So instead of honestly answering any question I would automatically think 'what does this person want to hear?'

Research pathological liar.
my brother in law is one. He needs help. X

Thank you, sorry I didn't see that before (obviously).

Read comment i made under it at 10.07

He needs to see a counsellor and possibly a psychiatrist if he has adhd or autism - the GP might be a start. But if he refuses to do this probably you need to pull out of the house purchase if it’s not too late and look at separating.

Wrt speeding and driving erratically with DW and DC as passengers. This smacks as deliberately controlling behaviour. DH has points on his licence and has done speed awareness courses. It is his responsibility to stick to the speed limit and to drive responsibly with due regard to safety of passengers in his car, other drivers, cyclists, pedestrians etc. It was his responsibility to pay attention to his speed and absolutely his responsibility to respond to speed monitors.

This is nothing to do with childhood experience of parental response to minor non-safety related transgressions.

OP you must have known that DH was speeding and driving in an unsafe manner. Did you not feel able to tell him to slow down? Even when you received external validation that he was speeding you didn’t tell him to slow down. His lying about only doing 36mph when the speedometer said 38 mph is bizarre. 36mph in a 30 mph zone is speeding. It risks a fine, points on licence, speed awareness and if a pattern that has failed to respond to other interventions and points already accrued can lead to a driving ban.

As far as the law is concerned it makes no or minimal difference whether he drove at 36 or 38 in a 30 zone. You have become so focused on lies that you can’t see the wood from the trees. That’s understandable but a clear indication that you have to do things differently to get out of this cycle.

His behaviour is the issue. Even if he were honest it would still be problematic.

But maybe that is the reason for always lying about every little thing and causing drama that threatens family security. It keeps you distracted, doubting yourself, seeking evidence, not calling out obvious lies because he will vow to change but not do so so you are back at square one or leave until it all blows over and starts up again. You are keenly aware that your role as carer places you in a vulnerable position.

Ultimately you are worse off and your DC are worse off if your DH is unwilling or unable to play his part in supporting his DC which includes supporting you as primary carer financially and emotionally.

Take your time OP. You can move (as long as it is not financially disadvantageous). Read up (Lundy Bancroft is a good recommendation and I would advise the women’s aid freedom program). I did it alongside women still with their abusive partners. I did it to make sure I didn’t start doubting myself or my ability to cope better without DHs toxic input.

I don’t think that unresolved childhood trauma or potential ND can explain this incident.

Him moving out over his lying is just a power play. In what world does he live that he thinks he can play power games over you to make you accept him lying? Yes he is ghosting you. He is making you feel like you’re the problem. You’re not. HE is the problem.
Op, I bet everyone can see he lies. They probably see it more than you do, because he’s brainwashed you into thinking you’re part of the problem. Your family and friends hear him aswell and know damn well he’s lying about stuff. Your kids hear him and know damn well dad lies about stuff. You have every right to tell him you’re getting divorced over his behaviour. People who know what he’s like will understand he can’t be trusted on his word. And if they don’t know him well enough to have picked up on his lieing, who cares what they think? It’s not their marriage. And if people think you should have to put up with constant lieing, then boo to them. Tell them they can marry him and see what life is actually like with him.
as for the hell of course-parenting with him: do ALL communication via email or text, so you have it written down and you have proof if he says “I never said xyz”.
And if you decide to give it another shot with him, I’d start recording all conversations with him. Even if it’s just so you have the proof you’re not imaging things and not going mad. And also to show him you no longer trust his word and you will check what he actually said.

Why did you marry a liar?

It’s known as ‘crazy making’ - they are repressed and unable to express their own anger so goad and provoke you so that you flip and they get a sense of relief.

It’s often about a difficult parental interaction (often an overbearing mother) which they had no agency in as a child - so they then unconsciously play it out with the next woman in their life - their partner or wife.

I expect he doesn’t do this to friends or colleagues but is trigger into a dynamic of unsettling you and angering you.

This thread is an eye opener for me.

You're minimising his behaviour and making her the problem. People need to stop doing this.

That would drive me mad. It just shows a complete lack of respect for you. You’re not worth telling the truth to. I’m not sure what I’d do in this situation to be honest. It seems like a minor thing to end a marriage over, especially when you have kids, but I can’t see another way.

This brings back a lot of memories for me of my ex-husband who was an habitual liar. We met when I was very young and he was 5 years older than me (16 and 21) and although I was a fairly intelligent academic sort of kid, I was very naive and trusting, and wanted to believe his BS about Art School, parties, travelling in Egypt, hair that used to be so long it was down his back. Big things and little things - I was very impressionable. It was a very bad combination. He swept me off my feet and we married when I was 18.

Looking back, it was because of low self esteem in his case. He was severely dyslexic and did very poorly at school (could barely write, and I remember he couldn't spell my name or the town we lived in reliably) and although he had a good enough job he felt inadequate.

Eventually he was out of work and the lies really went into overdrive then with great long stories about how he spent his day with unusual and exotic friends he met at the Job Centre while I was out at work, trying to make himself sound interesting and edgy. It was obvious to everyone that he was lying all the time, it was a whole separate layer of identity for him and I've no idea if he felt it was convincing people or not - probably he did because nearly everyone is too polite to call this sort of thing out.

This thread is amazing in showing how many of us have experienced being lied to constantly like this, it's so sad. It eats away at you if you are lied to, it wrecks everything and humiliates you and makes you cringe when your DP lies to others.

My soon to be ex husband is like this. Exaggerating stories from his childhood, if you had a toy he had the super deluxe version with bells and whistles, if you'd been on holiday 5 times he'd been 8 times all first clasd ect. He always ALWAYS has a story & it's always going to be better than yours. He tells lies constantly. Saying he was on the toilet or fell back to sleep when he was really looking at porn etc. I knew when he was lying and it finally came to a head when I was looking after our son who is 3 (autisic & non verbal) when he was ill & I asked him whilst he was out to call & get his antibiotics that the dr had sent to the chemist as they'd not been ready when I called in after his appointment as the pharmacist was on his lunch. He came back empty handed and said it wasn't ready. I called the chemist & they said it was there ready to be picked up. Instant lies "it wasn't there when I went, they said it wasn't ready" i didn't say a word just looked at him and he said "ok I didn't call in i got talking and forgot and just came home". I'd had enough by then and told him to leave and I was done. He is now looking at therapy for porn addiction and ADHD which good for him but it's all too little too late.

I feel you on this. I had an ex that did this and it was exhausting. We were a lot younger and after a while I just couldn’t handle it so we split after a couple of years together but no kids or anything. It would be the most ridiculous stuff - I’d ask if he’d had lunch and he’d say no and I’d go in the kitchen and there’d be a dirty plate so he’d backtrack and say oh yes I did. It did slowly grow and he lied about money and I’m pretty sure cheated on me so I did have valid reasons but the tiny lies were in some ways worse as it made me feel like I was going mad. I couldn’t stay but appreciate you have kids and there’s more at stake.