Colleagues missed my birthday

We have an 'opt in' option at work for this reason. Those participating are put on a rota, typically you buy for the next person and it is displayed. Everyone has a set amount to spend which like you equals out to be $10 per person but covered in one hit by the worker. You always know when its coming up so no-one is left surprised with the expense

Absolutely, gifts flow down, not up.

I agree that they are probably trying to say they don't want to do gifts among colleagues anymore. I think missing a birthday is some people's indirect way of saying they don't want to do cards or gifts.

You can continue to buy them little £10 gifts if you want to, but please stop the collections! They should only really be for people retiring or maybe going on maternity leave or getting married. Even then I only contribute to collections for people I am genuinely close to. Otherwise, I just do a card.

ETA: if you were my colleague I would've got you a card if we were on friendly terms.

Why? Do you need an update as much as she needs a present?

She asked a question, she's got her responses.Maybe she has nothing more to add.

Given all the people that called her pathetic for daring to think her birthday meant something.I'm not surprised she hasn't been back.

I have to say it's only on this.Site that adults are expected to never celebrate their birthday and not be upset by getting no presents.And no cards either. Must all have your birthday ignored every year and you're absolutely fine with it.

I don’t think the op will be back. These plop and run threads are so frustrating.

That's that then. They are colleagues not friends and you stop arranging birthday stuff, lifts etc. You've helped them at work enough, they need to get on with it.

We used to just do a birthday card in one old team and mine and a colleague's birthday was the same day. I signed her card. I was off sick on my birthday but when I returned there was no card for me.

I don't do anything for colleagues birthdays just happy birthday on Teams.

Firstly, Happy Belated Birthday 💐. Hope you had a nice time with your friend.

I think you should drop the rope now.

Also £10 per colleague would be a bit much for me in the current economic environment.

Definitely...missing your birthday is a message to stop the group gifts.you can buy what you want. You sound bossy.

Me neither. I don’t spend a tenner on them.

Second this. Was once in a work team where one senior and incredibly paid man organised for an even more senior and well paid man to get a gift paid for by £20 across small and much much less well paid team. The young p.a. who was paid barely anything had to fork out twice and when she left abruptly (due to an unrelated matter) nothing at all was organised as a leaving gift for her. Awful. And yes, I should have used my words & bought a gift myself, but actually I just didn't have the headspace and was the most distant member of the team - personally I'm a grown up, I do not expect birthday gifts even from my nearest and dearest. I think the whole work buying gifts thing is nonsense and very environmentally unfriendly. And don't get me started on secret santa 🤯😂🙈

I think they were tacitly sending you a message.

(The message is “stop with the birthday gifts” btw).

I know I’m a big girl and it’s just a birthday but I love to make a fuss of others and make them feel special and appreciated.

You're not being honest with yourself. If you were motivated entirely by altruism you would be satisfied by spoiling others but you are not, you are hurt when it's not reciprocated. You cannot force other people to go to the lengths you do for colleagues so you need to decide if you want to continue what you're doing and receive nothing in return or acknowledge you find the lack of reciprocity hurtful and it makes you feel resentful and stop. Personally I would stop bending over backwards to help colleagues or assuming responsibility for making them feel special.

Belated Happy Birthday wishes from me, OP xxx

Decades ago, I worked in a place where the team leader was very manipulative and divisive. She made a huge deal of all the other members' birthdays, and knew the date of mine, but ignored the only birthday I had while working there. She knew I had only recently moved to that town and was on my own.

I still remember how crushed I felt, all this time later! I knew it was silly to care so much, but I did and I feel for you. It reminds me to appreciate how much happier my life is now -- and I keep a list of people's birthdays and special occasions on my computer.

We had this in my team when I first started working there, thankfully covid killed it off. I thought it was excessive and a couple of my colleagues weren’t very pleasant, one woman looked at the necklace we’d bought her and said, “nah I don’t like this, give me the receipt and I’ll get the money for it”.

It’s a shame you didn’t get much acknowledgment of your birthday, that’s very hurtful but it’s clearly a sign that you’re doing too much for your colleagues. Time to take a step back and stop the birthday gifts now.

OP- in a previous thread you said you run your own small business.

This must mean you are the boss and earn the most out of everyone. Surely in that context you can see how your post comes across?

Have they always given you a card in the previous years though? It sounds like you just do the organising, and its backfired on you because nobody else thought to do it for you. I wouldn't rely on work colleagues for birthday celebrations - YABU.

I work with someone who is overly invested in birthdays, celebrations etc, and I find it overwhelming.

I've even asked that they not get me anything for my birthday, and that they not buy me a bottle of wine at Christmas (out of their own money), because I really really don't want it - only to be told by the organiser that they enjoy sorting this.

I've now reached the stage where I don't sign the communal cards, I don't contribute at all when the request for money comes round - and it's such a relief.

I have to wonder whether the organising of these cards and gifts is really for the recipients, or for the organiser?

Nobody complains about the out and they can out as much or as little as they want but £10 is average. I’ve topped it up a couple of times

Well yes, because who can complain that it's too much without looking like scrooge? You have put them in an impossible situation.

Its all very well saying they can opt in or out but thats not how peer pressure works- people will feel obliged to do it because they will be worried they'll look like a dick otherwise.

Spending £70 or over on a colleague is inappropriate- many people cant even spend that on their own relatives! I know you like to think you are being generous and kind but you really arent - you are placing undue pressure on people probably might earn far less than you. That isnt kind.

I'd examine why you are doing so much for colleagues - it seems very OTT.

I think you've got to assume they aren't really invested in this, so just stop doing all of this stuff now and put your energy into your own life.

I like my colleagues and due to my job have fairly active friendships, but mostly I'd just wish them a happy birthday. Collections for birthday presents would drive me bonkers, and giving presents for work anniversaries is really quite crazy.

A £70 present is a lot to get for a colleague. Maybe they wanted to drop the practice and this is their clumsy and insensitive way of telling you?

Yes and no. I do find kindness and willingness to help others in the UK plenty as well, but the attitude of ‘what am I getting in return’ or asking money for small favours is definitely creeping in.

For example, a guy helped me with my car a couple of times and I thought ‘oh he’s really nice and kind’. Third time, asked me on a date.

I certainly do a lot of things for people in the UK also and people do a lot for me, but I’m certainly keeping one eye out on ‘what might they want in return’

I had a colleague who probably would have written a similar post to you. She loved doing gifts for everyone and we were constantly asked to chip in for someone's birthday, or graduation, or wedding or whatever. There was always "no pressure," except that there was. Who wants to be the one person whose name isn't on the card, or who everyone knows didn't give money? It is really hard to say no. Some months it was really hard to find the money even though it was a small amount and it was stressful to find it.

Eventually she left, and no-one took over, it was never spoken and never happened again. It just wasn't that important to people. I suspect the OP's colleagues lack of interest in doing it for her, means that they are also not that interested in it and are just going along with it. I would stop all these communal gifts, OP. I don't think this is the gesture you would like it to be. If people want to give gifts, they can buy and give them on their own.

I have never worked anywhere where we even know the dates of colleagues' birthdays, let alone marked them. Everyone is an adult - it's really time to knock this "birthday fuss" on the head.

It's REALLY shitty of them to ignore your birthday BUT you need to stop the whole forced, expensive, team birthday gifting thing - it's a bit weird & intense. And as for wedding anniversaries & the like.....just no. They should have had the balls to face the issue & let you know that they were over it, though. That's rude & unkind.

I've always contributed to all gifts etc in my work place.In my area donations in lieu of flowers on the occasion of a death is very popular.All through the years I've organised and/or donated to these also.
My landmark 50th birthday came and went without even a card being given.At the time my Mother was dying and things were particularly grim so I wouldn't have wanted a fuss but a £3 bunch of carnations would have been appreciated.
Mother died followed quickly by 3 other very close family deaths. Not a single donation was given to any charities and no sympathy cards sent.
It's work, these are work colleagues who are fired together and who are not necessarily friends.Remind yourself of that and forget about the group effort.Send a card or a small token yourself if you wish.Personally I'd prioritise those who are suffering through grief or illness over birthdays.