“A monogamous lifelong relationship is simply not what a lot of people, in particular women, want.” - Is it true that a lot of women want an open relationship?

Nope. I dont even like to share my favourite pen!

I'm getting a bit fed up of people speaking for us all like we are some kind of monolith

I can’t stand the idea of “open marriages” but what do you mean it becomes harder for women? To get sex? If so, no it’s not. Not compared to men, especially men their same age.

Women are swiping left on most men on dating sites and not even wanting a coffee with them.

Men struggle to even get a first date let alone a woman come home with them, whereas typically a woman in their 40s or 50s (and maybe beyond) could get nsa sex relatively easily with a man of any age.

This is a sore point for me.

When my kids were very young and my DH and I were having no sex and just generally going through bad patch, he ended up getting involved with an ex from his teenage years.

She had lived in Middle East for many years at this point so they had just kept in touch, sporadically, via facebook.

until they got chatting and he revealed we were having issues. She revealed she was in an open marriage. They sent each other naked photos etc and sex talk.

They planned to meet up in a hotel. Apparently he backed out just before she booked the flights. Said he couldn’t do it. Said he only ever thought it was messages, said it didn’t seem real, it was just an outlet as we hadn’t had sex for years.

Things had got back on track with us before I found out about this. I was heartbroken when I found out. I still am. We have 3 young kids, one with complex health needs. Breaking up the family just wasn’t an option.

But I’ll never get over it. She’s always at the back of my mind. Because she’s in an open relationship, I feel she will never go away. Her husband gets turned on by the thought of her shagging my husband. It makes me feel sick tbh.

her husband is also from near our hometown. As far as I know they are living in Spain now but they might move back at some point and that’s always at the back of my mind.

edited to add - they also have kids. I don’t know why they do it, I don’t know which one of them is driving it.

it makes me very uncomfortable

Is this a propaganda, these talks about open relationship, polygamy are being pushed lately and it's sickening. Now they saying it's women that prefers it? Never came across one woman whose preference is open relationship yet...

I can’t think of anything I’d like less!

Not for me. Not even sure if a relationship is for me anymore

Open relationships are so all the rage that I don’t know a single person who is in one.

OK, they might not tell me, but you’d expect to have at least some inkling wouldn’t you?

Of the open relationships I’ve seen on TV documentaries, there’s almost always a feeling that one person is going along with it because they have to.

If you want to sleep with lots of people, that’s fine. Just stay single and sleep with lots of people.

No chance just couldn't be bothered

Well there are different sorts of open relationships aren't there? Both parties have a hall pass for discreet flings when travelling, for example. Both parties actively seek out other people for threesomes. Full on poly relationships/throuples. Plenty more along an entire spectrum of non-monogamy.

I've known many people in some form of an open relationship and anecdotally would say straight women are most enthusiastic about poly relationships, where they have multiple male partners who play different roles in their lives; lots of gay men are in one of the two former situations. I can't really say many straight men have really waxed lyrical about open relationships in the same way to me (though I have met ones who are in them, appended to the enthusiastic women).

I would be emotionally OK with the hall pass style open relationship - I don't really feel jealousy as an emotion. But it's not something I'm actively enthusiastic about, and DP is definitely not into the idea, so we're monogamous.

Full-on poly relationships are my worst nightmare and in my experience the people who want to have them are extroverts who can't bear to be alone for a second.

I find the judgment on this thread to be more of a moral void than open relationships themselves. If you don't want one then don't have one.

I don't actually think most adults of either sex want other people shagging their spouse, though maybe I'm naïve. But most men and women I know talk of wanting to find 'the one', someone to fall in love with and build a life with. Obviously some people are less keen on settling down with one person, but in my experience those people tend to have other issues that might have caused it, like their family environment growing up, or a bad betrayal (or several). I don't think most people set out wanting to cheat or have polygamous relationships, but that's something that happens when things aren't going great. I don't think that most women or men in a blissfully happy marriage that's fulfilling all their needs, hopes and desires suddenly decide they (or their other half) should sleep with other people. I think the vast majority of us really want the fairy tale of just one special person.

All the open relationships/poly couples I know - and I know a few - the conversation was initiated by a woman. So I could see there being something to it!

I think there's possibly a distinction to be made though: I think people are surprised by the idea of it because they assume men cheat more on average and therefore should be well up for it. And I think that's actually the point - I think a lot of men cheat because of the allure of doing something wrong/forbidden/pushing back against the idea of being 'contained'. I don't think that they're particularly biologically more inclined to want to fuck other people, I think they're taught by society that wives and longterm girlfriends are boring old ball and chains and it makes cheating appealing.

I think women being into the idea of a relationship that (ideally and done 'properly') features good, open communication about desire and consent and boundaries, decenters the traditional approach of 'one man one woman' (and the attendant pressures of being the live-in mother figure of that one man), and gives them more freedom to treat relationships as things that should suit them and not something they're stuck in to fulfil a societal expectation isn't all that surprising, actually.

The article isn’t that bad - it’s not that great either. I seem to have read that article a thousand times, they’ve just stuck Lily Allen on the top of it. And the bit they have written about her just says they required each other to pay prostitutes, which seems like something different and horrible.

I tried a bit of ethical non-monogamy for a while. It had its moments but it was significantly more complicated and tiring than just dating one person - it was handy that I was working part time then. The big thing I hadn’t even realised was that it felt wrong to be thinking of someone I was having sex with as ‘secondary’ to anything else; I don’t see how people manage that without any moral issues. I don’t regret it and wouldn’t rule out trying something in that field again if dp were ever up for it - but I still think it’s a small proportion of people who even consider it.

I believe you're correct OP. It's a male fantasy predominantly and men can't believe their luck when some poor woman falls for it.
"it's the same the whole world over
Ain't it all a bleeding shame?
It's the man that gets the pleasure
And the girl what gets the blame"
Or, as my lovely old neighbour used to say as we headed out for a Friday evening full of fun "keep your hand on your ha'penny girls. It's all you've got and you can't get another once it's gone".

I remember mentioning the end of a friend’s marriage due to an affair with a mutual, and she piped up with “what a shame to end a marriage for a shag. Divorce is hard on kids. How much of this could all be avoided if we went back to the days of putting keys in a bowl.” I still don’t know if she was being serious.

It’s not for me.

Noooooo thank you.

Nobody is touching Mr BusService without provoking thoughts of violence in myself and in return I am happy to abandon my option of a bit on the side now and for the rest of my life.

Nope not for me. One is enough to love and live

I’m not sure why you think she’s rich? Most journalists, even in London, earn really low wages. She’s probably on £30k a year.

If that's true then I too am an outlier. I definitely prefer an enduring monogamous relationship based on trust, an equal partnership and affection.

I've not found a man who will settle for an equal partnership so I've been single for the last eight years. It's a shame but it can't be helped.

So true.

Not me!

It’s not what most women want, and not in their best interests either. Who benefits in these arrangements? Not the women or children, that’s for sure.