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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to pretend to my company that I don’t know what a man or woman is?

142 replies

Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:08

My company has held a big team meeting this afternoon to bollock us because we haven’t been following their guidance that in our notes we refer to everyone as ‘they’ and ‘them’ unless we’ve explicitly asked if they identify as a man or woman and what their pronouns are.

It is grammatically and logically ridiculous.

They want me to pretend I don’t know if a male voice with the name Michael is a man and a female voice named Susan is a woman. They want no he/she in the notes unless we confirm with the aforementioned Michael and Susan that they are indeed a man and woman, which would make me look quite mad.

They have tried to conflate it with not assuming a married Michael is married to a woman, and that Susan is married to a man. This is completely right and proper and I hope I wouldn’t assume this.

AIBU to simply not change my notes?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:48

itsmeits · 31/10/2025 16:37

@Grain25
I got halled into a HR a few months back as I haven't completed my pronouns for the end of my email - may I add this is an optional box not a mandatory one to complete.
When emailed they asked me how I identify, I relied with my name. They sent another saying no how do you identify I emailed back with my full name.
I identify as my name! It's mine I love it. Apparently that wasn't the response they wanted.
Turns out in my HR meeting I am able to identify as my name as its mine 🤦‍♀️

Honestly what an actual joke. What is wrong with these people?

OP posts:
itsmeits · 31/10/2025 16:37

@Grain25
I got halled into a HR a few months back as I haven't completed my pronouns for the end of my email - may I add this is an optional box not a mandatory one to complete.
When emailed they asked me how I identify, I relied with my name. They sent another saying no how do you identify I emailed back with my full name.
I identify as my name! It's mine I love it. Apparently that wasn't the response they wanted.
Turns out in my HR meeting I am able to identify as my name as its mine 🤦‍♀️

WallaceinAnderland · 31/10/2025 16:34

Policy has to be legal. It's not legal to enforce change to normal, natural speech. They are on a hiding to nothing. Carry on as you are OP and I expect it will fizzle out.

Original poster
Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:31

WallaceinAnderland · 31/10/2025 16:27

They cannot enforce this.

This is my thinking too. They surely cannot discipline people for referring to a man as a man and a woman as a woman.

OP posts:
ThankYouNigel · 31/10/2025 16:28

YADNBU. It is utterly ridiculous. You have my sincere sympathies.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/10/2025 16:27

They cannot enforce this.

Original poster
Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:25

IPM · 31/10/2025 16:23

Ridiculous in the way you wrote it but far less so in the way I did.

I'm not denying it isn't irritating but I'm not sure this is the hill I'd want to die on if I was otherwise happy in my job.

Show quote history

I’m not happy. I am actively looking elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:24

FenceBooksCycle · 31/10/2025 16:22

I try to avoid pronouns especially when talking about anyone who prefers wrong-sex pronouns.

Use of the passive voice can help with this, and generally restructuring sentences to get the same information across without the pronouns there at all. Also "The" can be used when no possessive indicator is indispensable.

Your example could instead be MP knows that contacting John for further help is sometimes appropriate but is worried about whether the internet connection would fail. MP is going to try to use the helpline instead’.

Thank you, will think about that.

I am almost certain that the people I speak to won’t be using wrong-sex pronouns. It is not the demographic and I have never once in the 2.5 years I've worked there come across anyone identifying as trans despite the company’s absolute desperation to.

OP posts:
NCTDN · 31/10/2025 16:23

Omg that’s just ridiculous. Yanbu

IPM · 31/10/2025 16:23

Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:22

Not difficult. Just completely ridiculous.

Show quote history

Ridiculous in the way you wrote it but far less so in the way I did.

I'm not denying it isn't irritating but I'm not sure this is the hill I'd want to die on if I was otherwise happy in my job.

FenceBooksCycle · 31/10/2025 16:22

I try to avoid pronouns especially when talking about anyone who prefers wrong-sex pronouns.

Use of the passive voice can help with this, and generally restructuring sentences to get the same information across without the pronouns there at all. Also "The" can be used when no possessive indicator is indispensable.

Your example could instead be MP knows that contacting John for further help is sometimes appropriate but is worried about whether the internet connection would fail. MP is going to try to use the helpline instead’.

Original poster
Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:22

IPM · 31/10/2025 16:21

‘MP said they could contact John for further help but MP is worried their internet connection would fail. MP has said they will try and use helpline instead’.

Bit naff but not as difficult as you're saying it is.

Show quote history

Not difficult. Just completely ridiculous.

OP posts:
IPM · 31/10/2025 16:21

Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:14

This does make sense but then I’d be looking at notes reading

‘MP said MP could contact John for further help but MP is worried MP’s internet connection would fail. MP has said MP will try and use helpline instead’.

It’s just ridiculous. Although marginally better than ‘they’ and ‘their’.

Edited
Show quote history

‘MP said they could contact John for further help but MP is worried their internet connection would fail. MP has said they will try and use helpline instead’.

Bit naff but not as difficult as you're saying it is.

Original poster
Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:20

DreamOfTheRarebitFiend · 31/10/2025 16:18

YADNBU. How did the meeting go? Do your co-workers think it's bonkers too?

No one really said anything. We work remotely and I don’t know them well despite working with them for a fair while.

OP posts:
DreamOfTheRarebitFiend · 31/10/2025 16:18

YADNBU. How did the meeting go? Do your co-workers think it's bonkers too?

Original poster
Grain25 · 31/10/2025 16:14

FunMustard · 31/10/2025 16:10

You are not being unreasonable at all, but I would amend and not use pronouns at all.

AJ said.....
MP said....

Or similar.

This does make sense but then I’d be looking at notes reading

‘MP said MP could contact John for further help but MP is worried MP’s internet connection would fail. MP has said MP will try and use helpline instead’.

It’s just ridiculous. Although marginally better than ‘they’ and ‘their’.

OP posts:
FunMustard · 31/10/2025 16:10

You are not being unreasonable at all, but I would amend and not use pronouns at all.

AJ said.....
MP said....

Or similar.

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