To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

If you don’t go you are absolutely the de facto carer until they pass, and siblings will absolutely do nothing but turn up for the will reading. Good time to get them to actually step up and help care for their parents too.

i think the mixing up of exact dates and pre holiday hotel in genius!

The hard reality is, they need you more than you need them, unless there's an enormous inheritance at play. And this sounds like the point at which push has come to shove.

How are they off financially, can they afford to get taxis to appointments etc, or do they genuinely need you to ferry them around? If so, you could investigate local cab firms - or volunteer organisations that give lifts to elderly people, like Royal Voluntary Service and Age UK. They can take them shopping, out to lunch etc - or they'll drop you off at hospital, wait for you to come out and take you back.
I'm sure that would help with any guilty feelings, as you skip to your own cab to the airport!

On a more compassionate note, yes, I think people do get more fearful and self-limiting as they get older, because you lose confidence in your physical and mental ability to navigate the world. Sure, there are some hardy sea swimmers / marathon runners / world travellers / whatever in their 80s. They're usually pretty vocal about it. But from what I've seen, most people do get more anxious, grumpy and timid.

Book your trip and get your siblings and any possible GC ready to step up.

They don’t need to drive, they can arrange taxis.

It might be good for your DP to realise they have a wider support network, and give them some confidence.

And this isn’t just a ‘for now’ issue wrt this trip: your DP are putting too much pressure on you to be their constant support.

And their needs can only increase as they age further. For the next 10 years.

So go.

You should definitely go, it will be a lot harder for them and you in 5 years' time.

By the way the Elderly Parents board is full of good advice too.

A parents job is to set their children free - that doesn't stop when they are 80! There is other help available, if not by your siblings. You can offer to sort things before you go, make sure shopping delivered etc, other than that, go, enjoy very much! You say hunny isn't greatest of health either so you have to go now while you can too. It's going to be amazing! (In fact, I'd like to smuggle myself in your suitcase if I may!).

If you do book the trip OP, be prepared for a medical ‘emergency’ the day before you go

I came on to echo what this pp says. Of course you should go and of course your siblings should step up.

For the reasons above, I wouldn't over-emphasise the build-up to your leaving and I would engineer things to leave a couple of days before the date of your flights (extra nights in a vaguely located hotel with poor mobile reception), without spelling that out to anyone. Sounds over the top but it isn't.

If either of them was seriously ill I'd possibly say cut the trip shorter but it sounds as though they are ok day to day and I don't think you should limit your life while you have the opportunity.

I would never want my kids to feel like I was holding them back like this, I think your parents are being quite selfish in their view point.

I have seen a few people live to 100 or 90s
Their children helped to care for them
The parents died
Then the children died suddenly
So the children, did not get the long retirement that they had hoped for

Your parents are 2, so they currently have each other

Yes, elderly people's worlds diminish as they get older

I recommend that you book your holiday ASAP

Leave your parents various numbers including 111, family, friends

You must go lon your wonderful trip! Set your parents up with a taxi account, and then disappear for as long as you like.

That would make me dig my heels in and go, how dare they

Go on the trip. Do not be put off, you need to live your life. I have spent years (in double figures) looking after folk and kept putting off going away (my choice) due to fear of something happening. Things can and will happen but I missed so much of my life waiting around for others and most of the time things were fine. I missed out on so much and I had no one else I help me. You’ve got people around, push them to cover, they can take taxis if needed, and go and enjoy yourself. They’re not just your responsibility and it’s unfair of them to put the guilt trip on you!

The only part you’re being unreasonable is that you haven’t booked it already .

Imagine they live another 10 years and by that point your own health is starting to fail and you can’t go on holidays anymore yourselves ! Putting them first is robbing you of your own enjoyment .

It doesn't have to! My 80 year old mother came to visit from abroad (15 hour flight) and took a couple of short breaks to London and to Paris ("given it could be the last time seems like a shame not to..."). She also works full time.

My 81 yo step father (they are no longer together) does 4-5 long haul trips for his work a year.

Go

As someone who moved a country away from my patents, and they also moved a country from their parents, I can’t really relate. My parents were always encouraging and expected us to follow our dreams, and they travelled extensively up until my father had a stroke (abroad, after a weekend road trip). You have siblings who can step in if need be - you are not solely responsible for your parents.

Help them sort out the cover they need for while you are away, and then go and enjoy yourself. If you are their go to, it isn't surprising that they feel wobbly about you not being there, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't go!

Of course you must go. Call their bluff and ask if they would like help arranging a carer they can call in an emergency.

stating the obvious but if you hold off trips for 20 years, by the time you’re ‘allowed’ to go you might have your own health issues.

It'll drive a deep wedge of resentment between you if you don't go. They have others they can rely on and you can ensure they have the numbers for taxis/hospital transport before you leave. They're only going to get older and more frail so now is the time to do it!

Please go.
I am an only DC and our lovely plans for extended travel have been put on hold by my elderly DPs. In my case there is nobody else to pick up the slack and I suspect if I told DM we were thinking of going away for more than a week, she would have a major health issue as she would get herself so worked up with anxiety. I haven’t told her we’re off to Morocco next Monday for a week, might pretend it’s the Canaries instead.

Book it now!!!

How bloody rude of her! Book your trip and tell them once it's a done deal, they have no right to assume they get a say in your travel plans.

Go for it. I had a late grandparent that lived hundreds of miles away from us and when they were your parents age they just had to get on with things like hospital appointments because there wasn't anyone to take them. It's not unusual and many elderly people have to manage their own lives or source other help when necessary.

Hospital transport is great for hospital appointments - get them to use it? Then when away if they need a hospital appointment they know how tp get there? Or taxi?

@Suninthe "Think i am more sad how their own life has shrunk and never thought it would be like this.. does it happen to everyone as they age?? "

Yes, it's extremely common for elderly people's worlds to shrink. There are all sorts of factors behind that, mostly due to health and the innate vulnerability that comes with old age. But Covid had a terrible impact and really put the tin hat on it. Everyone empathetically discusses the repercussions on children and young people, but the pandemic put the literal fear of god into the elderly. Your parents are at the most vulnerable time of their lives and they don't have many more years left. They are very well aware that you are their actual life line. Of course you can't put your life on hold for them and it is utterly unfair that your siblings don't help, but that's a story as old as time. Just try to put something in place for them and reassure them before you go on your trip.

You and your DH also have a responsibility to maintain family ties with your DSS and to look after your marriage. If your DH's health is wobbly, now is the time to make this trip. Expect lots of push back and last minute crises from your parents but stand firm. They have other children and can use taxis for a few weeks.