To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

You should go and enjoy yourselves, you only live once. If they are adamant they'll hibernate whilst you're away, then so be it. Your siblings can arrange to have groceries delivered to their house. They'll be fine! Bookbit and tell them, as it gives them time to get used to it.

Obviously you don't need their permission to go away, there are other family who can help them if they need it, just book your trip. Yanbu about that at all. But about your mums walking stick yabu to suggest it's 'a mental thing' she's 80 years old, and energy levels and pain or any other symptoms she has are going to fluctuate. Many people use walking sticks just when they need them or as a bit more support if they are a little unsteady and worried about falling. Your siblings need to be stepping up and taking their fair share of supprting your parents, they can get taxis if need be.

Your parents are very selfish IMHO. Go on your trip and enjoy it. They’ll manage just fine and your siblings will just have to be on call!

@Suninthe YANBU OP - you only have one life and you can't be sure when your DH's health may deteriorate, so go for it while you can. When your DM said "we will have to see how we are" you missed your opportunity to say that you were informing them of your plans, not asking for their permission. It's time for your siblings to step up to fill the breach while you and your DH are away - they can get taxis to take your DPs to attend appointments, go shopping or anything else that you are usually used for because you can drive. Do not be bullied into giving up on your plans OP - if you get any pushback from DPs or siblings, ask them what they would do if something happened to you.
Best of luck! 😊

It’s very clear that she doesn’t get to tell you how to live your life!
Yes you’re helping them a lot. But they’re taking that help for granted so much they can’t even consider you might have your own life.

I suspect you need boubdaries @Suninthe
That theyre used to just ring and you’re there to help. They expect it not just appreciate it itswim.

YABU about your parents. I don't doubt your mother does need that stick and is not faking it for attention as you seem to imply. You say their world got smaller during and after Covid. Its amazing how people talk about the effects on a generation of school children and yet the elderly, who were the one most vulnerable groups were expected to bounce back.

A lot of the elderly loose their confidence, scared they will fall, be a victim of crime. Going further afield is overwhelming with that kid of anxiety. It can be a downward spiral and they can be stubborn but at 80+87 they deserve some compassion.

Having said that, of course you should plan your holiday to NZ. I think the real enemy of your trip is not your parents but your siblings. They need to pull their fingers out. You need to have a Frank conversation and say I do X Y & Z and I am away for 6 weeks, so it's your turn etc. They will have to divide up even if it means they will have to book leave etc. Do not take no for an answer.

There are practical things you can put into place, as people have suggested. Hospital transport for hospital appointments and taxi service numbers in phone. Home deliveries for food etc. What are there neighbours like, can they keep an eye on them? The rest can picked up by the siblings.

Have a wonderful trip.

Reminds me of DM’s aunt, who would have a ‘funny turn’ every time her only-child son ever wanted to go anywhere- even for just an evening out.
Selfish old hag!

Book your trip. Honestly what are you supposed to do? Is she suggesting you wait until they both die (sorry!) before you go on a trip like this? Realistically that could be a number of years.

This!

I had to reread this part of the original post, because it would only make any sense or be evenly remotely relevant if the elderly parents were also going on the trip.

But seems the only trip they are keen on just now is a guilt trip!

Go, OP, and have a wonderful time.

Also, you might want to stick your head round the door of the Elderly Parents board on here!

You’re not obliged to even inform them of your movements let alone let them affect your plans

Yes of course you should go. There are people that live in different country from their parents!
Please go. You will regret if you don’t. If they want help while you are gone there are befriending services. Yes I know it’s not you but it would also add interest to their life and give you some respite.

Pretty sure the world will carry on for your DP lives whether you’re around or not.

Go on holiday as much as you bloody well want

And as a PP pointed out your are not their staff so you can do what you want

Tell them to live their lives as they wish and you live yours as you wish. I would not dare tell my adult children what to do, even so I live with one of them!!!

' "we will have to see how we are".'

your reply is - I wasn't inviting you, as i know you wouldn't be interested in coming, I am telling you this is what dh and I are doing in x month.

Just book it @Suninthe

We only get one life and you & your husband deserve to enjoy this once in a lifetime style trip. It’s not up to your parents!

Come on over to the elderly parents board, and drop in on the Cockroach Cafe which is a very long running support thread for exactly this kind of dilemma.

YANBU, yes it is common for the world to shrink for many people as they get old and vulnerable. As you seem to be at the start of the journey that many of us are on supporting elderly parents, I would strongly encourage you to ensure you are not the default solution for any problem your parents may have, or think they have.

Solidarity, it can be very hard when you have to be the parent to your parents for their own good.

Yes, do go. It sounds as though your parents have become insecure since Covid, but it doesn't do anyone any good to cling to you. They can get to hospital appointments by taxi or hospital transport, using some some of the money they save not owning a car. Your siblings can be timetabled to visit them and phone. You can keep a diary of your travels and email it to them. Just be upbeat with them when they protest, show them how they can cope without you. Have a fantastic time and make memories!

Of course you should go. It’s not your parents decision to make. They need to work out that you aren’t at their beck and call, you have your own life to lead and need to take the opportunities while you are fit enough to do it.

This. Go on your trip and have a wonderful time. Your siblings will have to cope.

Of course you must go! How selfish of them.

I know how hard it is because I've been there, but I would leave them all the contact numbers they will need such as taxis and make sure they have your siblings numbers to hand. Inform your siblings you will be going away and they will need to make themselves available should your parents need them. Then go and enjoy the trip you and dh deserve. Easier said than done I know, especially as I was not very good at standing my ground with one of my parents. I think its time to be firm and let them know this IS happening and you will see them in X weeks

'Think i am more sad how their own life has shrunk and never thought it would be like this.'

Tbf it is very common, ailments etc affect confidence so some older people retreat a bit, which is fine. As you've plenty of other family members to assist it should not matter if you go away.

Just talk to your siblings and tell them you'll be away on whichever dates so they'll need to step in.

Give them plenty of notice. Tell siblings they are going to have to step up.
Get it booked!

Life is too short OP. Go go go!

My mother has been the same, and it was Covid that did it for her too. She is 75. First it was her fear of getting covid and giving it to my father who has COPD, and then it was just her new normal. In 5 years her life has gone from her seeing friends, going on walks etc to nothing.

Barely leaves the house and usually only then to go to medical appointments or the bank. She is now showing signs of dementia and I am sure that it is connected with the fact that she doesnt do anything to keep her brain active! She lies on the sofa watching tv all day and is constantly saying she is tired, its the lethargy that comes from doing nothing. My father refuses to have such a small world and goes out quite often, I know he is fed up with hardly ever being able to go out and enjoy their retirement together like they used to.

She would hate it if I went a trip like that, although I am not sure she would lay on the guilt.

ETA re: using a stick.....she does that too! Quite happy around the house and in the garden but as soon as she needs to leave the house she takes a stick. I dont know why, I am sure it is not that she wants to put on a "doddery old lady" act but what it is about, I have no clue!

I know exactly how you feel OP - my mum did the same to me. I'm an only child, but she did have friends and was well-cared for in a place she loved (far better than our home as she didn't hesitate to tell me!) If we were going outside the UK she would really kick off. We used to go for 1 - 2 weeks, she worked herself up into such a state once (we were in Italy for a long weekend) that she was taken to hospital where they could find nothing wrong.

Please book your trip - go and thoroughly enjoy it! Don't let your parents hold you back from a trip of a lifetime. It's unfortunate that they won't be nice about it and will try to guilt you but go for it is my advice and enjoy.