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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

214 replies

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:05

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

OP posts:
ClassicalQueen · 31/10/2025 21:19

Of course you should go, if your DPs don’t want to go that’s their choice.

PeonyBulb · 31/10/2025 21:19

Bloody autocorrect

Don't do any of these other than

PeonyBulb · 31/10/2025 21:18

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 31/10/2025 20:03

Step 1
Book your trip
Step 2
Call a full family meeting and sort out who is doing what.Do not let anyone cop out.You are a family you must pull together
Step 3
if meeting unsuccessful look into respite care for your parents either a home help service or other via social services get everyone to financially chip in.
Step 4
This is not all on you it never should have been, its too much responsibility for you to shoulder on your own.Please stop with the misplaced guilt
Step 5
Just go ..live, have fun..You deserve this.

Don’t forget any of these other than

Book your trip

that’s all you have to do

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 31/10/2025 21:16

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 19:22

Thsts useful to know is there any insurance which would cover it ??

Show quote history

Would cost a fortune - you’d be cheaper to get some kind of flexible ticket. My mum is elderly but wouldn’t want me to not travel or even come back early which makes it easier for me as less guilt. But I would definitely look at flexible flights then if you need to change anything you can. Plus in extreme cases like serious illness or death of a relative, most airlines have provisions for this.

toomanydicksonthedancefloor1 · 31/10/2025 20:58

Please please please book your trip and have a fabulous time. I'm 47 and my DH is 50, we have 2 DDs 11 and 9 and both work full time in our business and employ 10 people. My PIL between them have terminal cancer and Alzheimer's. They are now selfish people I don't recognise, and expect so much from my DH and his brother, yet do nothing to help themselves. They did not used to be like this before Covid. They now have carers 4 times a day and his dad is in and out of hospital and his mum with Alzheimer's gets very erratic and aggressive every time his dad is in hospital. Dealing with her is even more difficult than his dad with cancer. They can both behave like selfish toddlers and our entire life is taken over with the miserable life they are both leading. It has almost broken my lovely DH who is constantly trying to do the right thing. I do somethings to help but DH won't let me do much, he says they're his parents and his responsibility so I pick up the slack at home and with the kids so he can be there for them. I can't imagine ageing and wanting my children to feel like this and expecting so much of them. It is soul destroying and lots of you lovely ladies on this thread have similar stories it seems, and you're all amazing. The never ending guilt is astounding isn't it? You need this trip, and do you know what? I think they will cope because they will have to. And when you get back and they have coped hopefully it will make you realise you don't have to do everything for them.

Original poster
Suninthe · 31/10/2025 20:44

DirtyBird · 31/10/2025 19:41

Please don't put your life on hold for your DPs. If they were in ill health and didn't have much longer to live I would feel differently, but they are healthy and don't need you around every single day. I put my life on hold for my DM when I was young to almost middle aged. I let her guilt trip me into not following my heart and I regret it now. I wish I had established firm boundaries with her, but I was always the "softie" of her two children. And now I'm the one paying for it and wishing I had done things differently.

Thats really sad but happens alot. Hope you are living well now

OP posts:
BruFord · 31/10/2025 20:42

Sunshineismyfavourite · 31/10/2025 17:35

Give them plenty of notice. Tell siblings they are going to have to step up.
Get it booked!

Life is too short OP. Go go go!

@Nearly50omg Good point. I agree with @Sunshineismyfavourite, give your siblings plenty of notice, make sure that everyone has local taxi numbers and the contact info. for the hospital transportation.

Your siblings can help out, time that they did from why you’ve said. Why you should do everything for your parents when they do nothing much?

Judecb · 31/10/2025 20:34

Of course you should go, but the only way for you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself will be putting in place care, lifts to appointments etc, as well as co-opting siblings to take up the slack. It will also require you to spend time reassuring your parents, and reminding them that you won't be gone for long. Your DM is feeling anxious and vulnerable because you've done such a good job looking after them - but you shouldn't be the only one doing this. Enjoy your holiday!!

Mary46 · 31/10/2025 20:29

This is it sockfluff it all takes hours to do even the planning round it) the joys! God its draining at times

SockFluffInTheBath · 31/10/2025 20:24

Maybe you cant afford taxis or after a lifetime of caring for kids - and probably driving them everywhere - you feel a lift is not much to ask for.

It’s not just a lift though, is it? It’s travelling to them and getting to their house early to make sure they’re ready, shuffling them into the car, giving the lift- and not just hoofing them out but finding close enough parking, shuffling them out and into the surgery/shop/hairdresser/whatever, moderating the behaviours, taking notes and collecting any additional items, shuffling them back to the car, giving the lift back home, shuffling them back into the house and having to stay for a cup of tea because they didn’t realise you were too busy to spend any time with them, sigh… if you’re working that’s half or a full day of holiday you’ve had to use- each time they ‘just want a lift’.

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 31/10/2025 20:03

Step 1
Book your trip
Step 2
Call a full family meeting and sort out who is doing what.Do not let anyone cop out.You are a family you must pull together
Step 3
if meeting unsuccessful look into respite care for your parents either a home help service or other via social services get everyone to financially chip in.
Step 4
This is not all on you it never should have been, its too much responsibility for you to shoulder on your own.Please stop with the misplaced guilt
Step 5
Just go ..live, have fun..You deserve this.

EleanorReally · 31/10/2025 20:01

can you organise social services, community carers, to go in a couple of times a week?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/10/2025 19:48

jollygoose · 31/10/2025 16:10

Of course you must go. They have had their life pleasing themselves it's extremely selfish of them to pile on emotional blackmail. I would just announce when you have booked it and tell them you will have the number of local taxis handy for any appointments and if they wish you can arrange to have shopping delivered.

This with bells on.

Go! This is your time... who knows what the future holds. Why wait? Your parents are currently managing.. if you wait a year or two they may not be and then it will be really hard to go...
Enjoy... plus the other siblings will have to step in, whether they drive or not they can still stay the night or help book taxis or food shops or go to appointment with them. You've done the lions share and six weeks is no time at all.

Original poster
Suninthe · 31/10/2025 19:46

Wotrewelookinat · 31/10/2025 16:24

It doesn't happen to everyone at this age OP. My parents are 93 and 80 and still go out and about seeing friends, going to the theatre and go on 2 cruises a year. They won't drive or fly, so get a taxi and train to Southampton for cruises, and live in a London suburb so use the Tube and buses as needed. They have their health challenges but haven't given up.

You should definitely go on your trip. Leave them phone numbers of taxi companies and inform your siblings that you'll be away and it's time for them to step up.

Thats how i want to be ! They sound great

OP posts:
DirtyBird · 31/10/2025 19:41

Please don't put your life on hold for your DPs. If they were in ill health and didn't have much longer to live I would feel differently, but they are healthy and don't need you around every single day. I put my life on hold for my DM when I was young to almost middle aged. I let her guilt trip me into not following my heart and I regret it now. I wish I had established firm boundaries with her, but I was always the "softie" of her two children. And now I'm the one paying for it and wishing I had done things differently.

Original poster
Suninthe · 31/10/2025 19:28

highlandponymummy · 31/10/2025 16:13

I really do sympathise with you. My DM is a widow and like you, I now want to go away more. She doesn't make me feel guilty, it's me. I feel that she's my responsibility and I feel bad. I'm the only one who ever takes her on holiday. My DB and DS do nothing. Having said all that, I'm going next year and do should you. Please make the most of the free time you now have. Let her be frosty with you, it's her choice. There are other options of help available whilst you are away. If they choose not to use them , then that's up to them. If you let it start now it'll be a slippery slope x

Yes i know what you mean.. we pit ordelves in these roles.

OP posts:
OhDearMuriel · 31/10/2025 19:27

You need to start to change the carer dynamic with your siblings. Why should it only be down to you? It sounds like they have greatly benefited from your parents.

It is so common in families that it falls onto only one sibling.

Go away, have the holiday of your lifetime and do NOT feel guilty.

Original poster
Suninthe · 31/10/2025 19:22

Itdoesntmatteranyway · 31/10/2025 18:54

Be aware with travel insurance that many say that if you cancel or try to cut a trip short because of the illness of a non- traveller; if they have a known condition it isn’t covered. With my MIL it was if she’d even been to the doctor about it in the last 12 months. She died a week before we were due to go away; cancellation not covered.

Thsts useful to know is there any insurance which would cover it ??

OP posts:
Original poster
Suninthe · 31/10/2025 19:20

Its been really interesting reading these posts. Im guilty of unreasonsble frustration..particularly about the stick and ive given myself a mental slap for being judgy !! my dm mobility hss got worse mostly with age but also because she hasnt been active enough and i clearly project my frustration on her but i do love her and she hás been a wonderful mum and grandparent and i find the clinginess hard after so many years.. it is what it is.. yes need to put plans in place to support them.. me and dh sat and discussed it.. we'd come back in a heartbeat if we needed to but going to book it and broach it with lots of solutions.

In answer to questions three of my own grandparents died in their 70s after short illnesses apart from.one who lived to be 97 but lived with my auntie for 20 years and DP went on several big trips knowing he was safe at home being looked after can't recall any guilt on their part.. regarding siblings my psrents have always expected less and sipported them more... They are both financially insecure etc.. my resentment is sometimes being seen as the only driver. Only solvent one etc

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 31/10/2025 19:14

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 31/10/2025 19:08

Why did you allow your mum to “shut it down”? You should have replied immediately with something like “I understand your concerns but it’s our choice to go away and you can’t dictate that we don’t. We will make sure other people can cover looking out for you while we’re away.”

Edited

This - except deleting the final sentence, it isn't your responsibility to make sure other people can cover - it is theirs.

Spirallingdownwards · 31/10/2025 19:12

Its BA sale. Book today!!

WearyCat · 31/10/2025 19:11

Yeah, you’re a person in your own right, not their beck and call girl! What an outrageous response. FWIW I think you should go as soon as you can. Decent health isn’t to be taken for granted and I know several people who were “waiting until we both retire” and found that when that time came, one or both were too unwell to do the things. In one very sad case, both died before the age of 70. You cannot rely on good health. Enjoy the trip!!

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 31/10/2025 19:08

Why did you allow your mum to “shut it down”? You should have replied immediately with something like “I understand your concerns but it’s our choice to go away and you can’t dictate that we don’t. We will make sure other people can cover looking out for you while we’re away.”

Slightyamusedandsilly · 31/10/2025 19:06

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:05

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are".

I think the problem with mentioning it is that it allowed her to feel that she / they have some kind of say in it. Instead of saying 'We might' maybe need to consider 'We are going'. And have a response planned to deal with her attempt to shut it down. 'We need...' or 'You'll have to ask James...' or 'I am one of your three children, someone else can take a turn.'

Violinist64 · 31/10/2025 19:05

Are you the eldest by any chance? For some reason, elderly parents, especially mothers, seem to think that oldest daughters should be at their beck and call. I think you should go and enjoy yourselves. You can WhatsApp each day with photos and a brief synopsis of your doings that day and video call every few days. I would also arrange your holiday before telling your parents then present it as a fait accompli. When they protest, as they will, you can remind them each time about your siblings and the adult grandchildren. The break will do you both good. Hopefully, it will help your parents to realise that they can get help from different people, not just you. Your parents are in their eighties and their world is getting smaller and smaller. You are not but, if you don't go within the next couple of years, you will find that it is even less likely; that your own world will diminish as your parents become ever more dependent on you and you alone, and you will become resentful of your parents. The eighty year old could live for another twenty years, which would make you round about eighty yourself. Take the opportunity while you have it. Carpe Diem.