To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

Go, go, go. Book it first, tell them the dates second. GC can take a turn helping. Or there's taxis. Have fun! One day you will be old and frail and unable to go on big trips, and will be glad you did.

Ooh you need to set a precedent here. You must go. I can’t believe you’re questioning otherwise! I would be somewhat fearful of their expectations as they age, become more frail and one is left alone. I would also arrange taxis or hospital transport for appointments going forward. This is what we save for, to buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC to live their own lives.
The wants of someone at the end of life, don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs. Quite the reverse.

His DM spent years looking after parents and her view is go don't even think about it.
I think that this is key, she knows how hard it is and doesn't want it to be as hard for you. OP, join the cockroach café thread in Elderly Parents. Its very helpful.

Most people work now though you cant be always getting time off. So its not as easy to say its just a lift to x location. My sister is very good to be fair. I help where I can.

Why is that relevant @anyolddinosaur? One’s children don’t ask to be born and most certainly are not brought into the world to be a service animal to their parent. Don’t try to guilt the OP by listing all the things you think her parents will have done for her as a child. That’s not helpful.

no I think selfish means its deliberate. I think people may not even know they are doing it but i do think there is fear involved too.

Do those who think a lift to a hospital appointment is a lot to ask for forget what is was like to get a baby or toddler into a car? Or to pick up a teenager after they got drunk? I could list everything involved in that and make it sound like a massive undertaking - and it was often at least 5 days a week.

Fortunately I can afford taxis, although I plan to move nearer a hospital eventually.

Utterly selfish of them. The state of their health is irrelevant to you going away. Wow.

I’d just say well sure siblings can step up if any appointments during that time or you can reschedule or request hospital transport. They should not be telling you that you can’t go, absolutely not. Especially when going to visit family. Go, and do not feel guilty. I’d book and send a message to siblings giving the dates you’re away. Leave it to them to deal with them, and don’t feel any guilt.

I see it in my mam too gets fretful and demanding before our hols. Its very hard. My husband is tired of it too. I think when one parent goes they get worse coping wise. They selfish really.

Oh you should definitely go but as the first post said, what can you do to ‘be at peace with it’? We recently went on a long trip overseas and felt a lot of guilt at leaving my elderly dad who relies on me for a lot of things. He was ok with me going but at the same time, he was obviously worried about not having easy access to his support system (me). I planned it out with him in advance, did meal plans, arranged for sibling to be on hand, set up an uber account (in case he needed to go out urgently) and arranged for different friends to pop in. I did all of that so I could go away and not worry - it worked really well.

You really should grab the opportunity but do whatever you need to do so that you feel at peace with it.

I think part of the issue is telling them about the trip and expecting them to be pleased - as they should be - that DH and yourself have this great opportunity to travel.
We are - fingers crossed- heading off to Morocco for a week next Monday. I am an only DC so a week is as long as I figure I can go atm - DPs are 92 and 87. Dreading telling DM we are going away, have already told DF but he will have forgotten. She will work herself into a state if I say it’s Morocco so I have told DH to say it’s Spain, and may well also work herself into a state so she ends up in hospital so I am going to be deliberately vague about the precise dates.
Selfishly I am actually relieved that I will need an esim with a new telephone number for the trip. Neither of them is up to remembering it unless I programme it into their phones. I just want a week of peace, I have had enough but there is no one else to call in an emergency- or as is usual in a complete non emergency.
You have siblings, they have options.

OP, you are not being at all unreasonable to say “sod it”, and go. If you don’t, if you let them guilt you into not going, then you will end up resentful and they will have you in thrall to them until they die. It’s sad, but old people, as they lose their independence, can become rather fretful and demanding. I have a very dear friend who has lived abroad for over 40 years, but her very elderly father has made it plain that he thinks she should come back and look after him. As it is, she visits from the other side of the world several times a year - she still works- and has him every winter for three months. So stick to your plans, OP - life is for living, and you need to take this chance to travel while you have it. Also, your DSiblings need to step up, even if it means taking your DPs to appointments by taxi. Just because you have always been the one to help out doesn’t mean that it’s your sole responsibility.

My DP are similar ages to yours. DF gave up driving last year and now they both have buggies. They rarely ask for a lift any where because, if it’s too far for the buggies, they go on the bus or, more likely, get a taxi. DM tells me that giving up the car has saved them quite a bit of money so they can treat themselves to a taxi twice a week.
Go on your trip. The only thing, I worry about when I go away, is one of them dying!

They can get a taxi.

Go to NZ!

@SockFluffInTheBath

This 💯
Articulated perfectly-thanks x

You do have to live your life - it’s making peace with that yourself about it that’s the thing and most people would encourage you to go and enjoy what sounds a fantastic trip.

In your shoes @Suninthe I wouldn’t even be talking about or mentioning that you’d be ‘home in a heartbeat’ if anything happens …. You will be halfway around the world and TBH I would worry that there will be some ‘emergency’ ( in their eyes) that means that this occurs and they ask you to return and that is just not fair. Sad as that sounds.

My sister had no kids , a stress free job and lived 30 mins from my parents. I had kids, a tough job and lived 3 hours away. But I could see that the expectation and obligation on my sister was as much a burden as the constant driving over to provide help several times a week. she did a huge amount, more than I could do, and years later I am still grateful for what she did.

But I did what I could: scheduled regular weekends to visit and stay. My brother and I each set aside a week’s leave to provide respite, we took over all the admin we could. Phoned our parents every day. Etc. My young teens were happy to help their grandparents, would come with me and mow their lawn, collect windfall apples (a novelty for them) and make crumbles to put in the freezer.

You have years of this. Get the wider family involved.

In due course look into Attendance Allowance and outside help. They will resist but it will be easier if they already have experience of trusting more than one person.

I can understand that, and I imagine none of your family is behaving out of malice or unkindness, but the poster you’ve replied to was talking about her mum on her own whereas your parents have each other, at some point that will change and eventually that will make things harder for you so act now to get things in place so you’re not the only one they feel is reliable x hopefully you can speak to your siblings and say m&d are getting on and need more help how can we work this out x please update us when you book we are all willing you on x

Recently became aware of this saying and it's helping me a lot: Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm! It sounds like you are doing a lot (and it being taken for granted). Others can take over as needed, don't postpone living your life.

My mum used to do this, but not as extreme and I recognise now it was anxiety because I was her Person. My siblings were not of much help, and she knew I would be reliable. She was just scared something might happen to her and I'd not be around. To be fair I built that rod for my own back over the years

I still went on hols with help planned, but she'd definitely feel anxious, get ill before I left etc. I think anxiety caused illness sometimes. She wasn't doing it out of malice.
Please don't let them control your holidays, allow them to trust others should they need help when you're away

I hope you've already booked the trip by the time you read this - just only tell them a few days prior to leaving!