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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

214 replies

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:05

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

OP posts:
Ilovechocolatelimesandsherbertlemons · 01/11/2025 22:31

We did exactly that when I retired, and it was difficult in the same way. We were looking after 5 aged parents, two with severe dementia. I did make contingency plans with my sons in case anything did go wrong, and it's as well to take social services emergency number with you just in case (I did need it once).
But do go, you could be waiting for years, it will only get harder.
I would say that you should encourage your mother to use her stick. A fall at her age can be a disaster. She needs to keep as steady as possible.

Partypants83 · 01/11/2025 22:16

Please go, and have a wonderful time.
My ancient mother, who died recently at a great age, would have encouraged me to go. And loved the postcards and stories about the trip after.
It's really not them, it's you.

DoYouThinkYouCouldTell · 01/11/2025 22:03

I think you should go.
For your peace of mind start now with alternative solutions to you being their go to. Dial a ride, food deliveries planned in advance etc.

WRT flights being changed, I found BA very helpful when my mum was unwell and I had to change my flight home.

Thistlewoman · 01/11/2025 21:44

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:05

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

OMG you are describing my life right now-with my mum.
For what it's worth I totally think you are entitled to your life as much as they were theirs at the time they felt able to travel/get out and about.
You are too young to limit your life to living like their 80+ lifestyle.
Sending you support and strength❤️

Original poster
Suninthe · 01/11/2025 21:36

PorridgeEater · 01/11/2025 21:24

If I were in your position I would go, though try not to make the trip longer than it needs to be. Sometimes parents may not see how selfish/dependent they are being, or be in denial about it.
Could you sugar the pill by perhaps offering to take them away for a weekend some other time? Maybe siblings could come too so that they could see how the load needs to be shared??
Meanwhile could be good to arrange visiting carers to help if parents can accept this.

I would love to.. we have all tried but they won't go anywhere. One of the GC is at uni n a city where DM oldest friend lives.. who is in a wheelchair and can't travel. I've visited 10 times and ask her everytime. Its always a no..its just really sad. But I keep trying

OP posts:
Original poster
Suninthe · 01/11/2025 21:33

Some of the tips have been great.. the dial a ride did some research and need to gently coax them. I actually dont mind doing the lifts but it's not good to completely rely on me and the refusal to learn technology is tricky.. they complain constantly about how digital everything is and won't use their smartphone at all.. apart from amazonfunniky enough..... I set up the nhs app for prescriptions but they asked me to put on my phone as it is "too much " and would rather go to a dodgy cashpoint and walk around with cash than use internet banking. My Mil has taken herself to a computer class and determined to learnstuff since becoming widowed. Mine waits for her GC to visit!!! I get the fear and hesitancy I really do but it's the stubbornness I find hard.

OP posts:
PorridgeEater · 01/11/2025 21:24

If I were in your position I would go, though try not to make the trip longer than it needs to be. Sometimes parents may not see how selfish/dependent they are being, or be in denial about it.
Could you sugar the pill by perhaps offering to take them away for a weekend some other time? Maybe siblings could come too so that they could see how the load needs to be shared??
Meanwhile could be good to arrange visiting carers to help if parents can accept this.

Original poster
Suninthe · 01/11/2025 21:22

rookiemere · 01/11/2025 09:45

I think part of the issue is telling them about the trip and expecting them to be pleased - as they should be - that DH and yourself have this great opportunity to travel.
We are - fingers crossed- heading off to Morocco for a week next Monday. I am an only DC so a week is as long as I figure I can go atm - DPs are 92 and 87. Dreading telling DM we are going away, have already told DF but he will have forgotten. She will work herself into a state if I say it’s Morocco so I have told DH to say it’s Spain, and may well also work herself into a state so she ends up in hospital so I am going to be deliberately vague about the precise dates.
Selfishly I am actually relieved that I will need an esim with a new telephone number for the trip. Neither of them is up to remembering it unless I programme it into their phones. I just want a week of peace, I have had enough but there is no one else to call in an emergency- or as is usual in a complete non emergency.
You have siblings, they have options.

That's really hard. I hope you switch off and have a restful time

OP posts:
independentfriend · 01/11/2025 21:00

Walking sticks are useful for balance as much as anything else. If you're feeling confident/ walking in a familiar place / aren't too tired you might decide not to use one.

Generally with walking aids if they're more of a hindrance than a help you'll stop using them. Having a walking stick dangling off your arm (loops to attach them to your wrist help for when you briefly need two hands but do need the stick) that you're not using much is annoying.

Carrying a folding stick can be useful as a visual signal that you might be slow/ need a seat.

Generally the advice from disabled people is to not gatekeep aids - if you think a walking stick might help, try one.

So coming round to suggesting your parents look at mobility scooters / outdoor wheelchairs. They would give them further comfortable independent travel range from the house so they could look at say activities for retired people in the local community centre or similar. Wheelchairs can be taken on buses more easily than scooters.

Tricycles are also worth a look if cycling is too hard for balance reasons.

With notice of your trip they can make alternative arrangements for themselves. They might be able to get support from say AgeUK locally. They can avoid 'difficult' things like having (potentially unscrupulous) tradespeople over to quote for expensive work while you're away, it's only six weeks.

Cornishclio · 01/11/2025 20:55

Did You frame it as a question because the way you phrase it reads like your DM thought she had a say in whether you and DH go? Point out your DH has health issues and wants to see his son. You have a responsibility to him too and your DM doesn’t call the shots. Just make it clear you will be asking siblings to step up but otherwise here are phone numbers for taxis.

Cornishclio · 01/11/2025 20:40

Yes of course you should go. Your DM is being unfair and I would start getting her used to someone else helping them.

OneDearPeach · 01/11/2025 20:18

ginasevern · 31/10/2025 16:56

@Suninthe "Think i am more sad how their own life has shrunk and never thought it would be like this.. does it happen to everyone as they age?? "

Yes, it's extremely common for elderly people's worlds to shrink. There are all sorts of factors behind that, mostly due to health and the innate vulnerability that comes with old age. But Covid had a terrible impact and really put the tin hat on it. Everyone empathetically discusses the repercussions on children and young people, but the pandemic put the literal fear of god into the elderly. Your parents are at the most vulnerable time of their lives and they don't have many more years left. They are very well aware that you are their actual life line. Of course you can't put your life on hold for them and it is utterly unfair that your siblings don't help, but that's a story as old as time. Just try to put something in place for them and reassure them before you go on your trip.

This! I used to work for a charity providing social activities for older people and it was shocking once COVID was over to see once confident active people shrunken and aged far beyond their years. The number who died not from COVID during and in the year after the pandemic was also much higher than in the years before.

Edamcheese · 01/11/2025 20:11

Trisby10 you should read my message properly. I mean you only have one mum and forgive her remark.She feels vulnerable old people do .Have a heart. But it doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t live her live of course she should go and not feel guilty.

Trishyb10 · 01/11/2025 19:48

P.s the person saying you only have one mum.. well there,s only one you aswell and you must preserve your health,soul, wellbeing, you must go xx

Trishyb10 · 01/11/2025 19:46

GO,GO,GO… i,ve just spent 2 yrs 24/7 looking after alzheimers dad and its almost killed me and irreversibly damaged my health… do what you can while you can sweety xxx

Edamcheese · 01/11/2025 19:46

You’re going on holiday for 6/7 weeks not emigrating. ! I suppose they feel a bit vulnerable at being left for that time as they always have relied on you. The remark your mum made was unfounded. Please forgive her for that you only have a mum once. But just be firm and tell them exactly how you will have everything in place for them to make their life easier while you are away. And get your siblings to get of their backside. I’m sure that if there is any inheritance they will be on the doorstep before the will is read .Go and have a great time and no need to feel guilty. You can communicate hopefully on WhatsApp if they are into that. And send the photos of where you have been. I’m 79 and would be delighted if my daughter could enjoy such a brilliant holiday in New Zealand.

PermanentTemporary · 01/11/2025 19:23

Decorhate · 31/10/2025 16:25

You shouldn't not go just because they are worried how they will manage while you are gone.

BUT I would have everything arranged so that you can easily cut the holiday short if one of them gets seriously ill or dies while you are away.

That is, have insurance that will cover it, flexible flights that can be rearranged.

I don't want to be a downer on your plans but this is the reality of having very elderly parents.

I’m afraid I would say definitely DON’T do this. Insurance, sure, but plan not to come back for emergencies, or you’ll end up saying that you’ll come back for emergencies, and then an ‘emergency’ is much more likely to happen.

Grumpygrandma1962 · 01/11/2025 18:48

Go now - I'm 62, and travelling as much as I can, because I'm aware that there's going to come a time when I'm not fit enough. Don't lose the opportunity.

Zucker · 01/11/2025 17:18

anyolddinosaur · 01/11/2025 15:37

Do those who think a lift to a hospital appointment is a lot to ask for forget what is was like to get a baby or toddler into a car? Or to pick up a teenager after they got drunk? I could list everything involved in that and make it sound like a massive undertaking - and it was often at least 5 days a week.

Fortunately I can afford taxis, although I plan to move nearer a hospital eventually.

So you've kept some sort of ledger over your childrens lives so that now when you're older you can throw it back at them if they don't want to step into a caring role, is that it?
Your children don't owe you for parenting you did when they were younger and not capable of helping themselves. You chose to have those children and it was your responsibility to raise them as well as you could. It doesn't then translate into owing you lifts or whatever caring you need.

Daisy12Maisie · 01/11/2025 17:13

Are you 100% sure they didn’t get the wrong end of the stick and think you were inviting them so they said they would have to see how they were?
Definitely go on the trip. Show them how to use Uber before you go.

chisanunian · 01/11/2025 17:09

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 22:01

This is exactly how i feel. My siblings are lovely but ive always had less stuff going on than them and been the go to person...the expectations and self expectation is hard wired over years

Show quote history

Perhaps it is time for some rewiring to take place now. At the moment the expectation of your parents and your siblings is that you are the default care-giver, so maybe that needs to be changed sooner rather than later. If you go on your much-wanted Big Trip, then your siblings are going to have to step into your shoes, however reluctant they are to do so. And your parents will have to learn that you will not necessarily always be at their beck and call.

Pippatpip · 01/11/2025 17:07

go but be aware that all sorts of medical needs will crop up just before you go mostly caused by their anxiety. I recommend that you organise your siblings before you go and possibly don’t be very specific as to when you are going.

dynamiccactus · 01/11/2025 16:59

27pilates · 01/11/2025 16:05

Why is that relevant @anyolddinosaur? One’s children don’t ask to be born and most certainly are not brought into the world to be a service animal to their parent. Don’t try to guilt the OP by listing all the things you think her parents will have done for her as a child. That’s not helpful.

Also, childhood is finite. Parents know that their children get older and less dependent as time goes on. The commitment is limited.

The reverse is not true. They get progressively less fit, and you don't know if they might die tomorrow or in 10 or even 20 years time.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/11/2025 16:58

They are not alone, there are 2 of them, they can manage without you. Maybe they will have to get taxis, maybe they will stay at home the whole time you are away. That is their choice. They have other children and grandchildren to help out IF they really need it, but it doesn't sound as if they do.

dynamiccactus · 01/11/2025 16:57

Of course you can go, it's only a few weeks.

My mum has a neighbour around the age of 85 - she is pretty fit although can't walk very well. Her daughter and son in law decided to go off for a year!

So I think you can go for a few weeks.

One thing I would check if either of them are on hospital waiting lists is if your insurance would cover it if they came to the top of the list and you needed to be there for an operation or whatever. Mine doesn't so I book everything last minute in case my mum comes to the top of a list (fortunately at the moment she isn't waiting for anything). If they have planned hospital appointments they can ask neighbours/friends or get a taxi which is what they would have to do if you didn't live close by anyway (and is what my mum does as I live three hours away from her).

Do it. And soon. Before anything happens to prevent it.