To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

Agree with this, it’s a favourite trick of FIL. Telling him we were going on holiday invariably got an ambulance up the drive the day before we were supposed to leave. Now we tell him we’re away when we get there.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. It's not like you're leaving them out in the middle of the sticks with no support. You have siblings and niblings nearby that can help them. They are just used to depending on you!

Go, enjoy, and if your mom decides to be pissy when you get back then that is a "her" problem... not a "you" problem.

I'd be tempted to not tell them you're going at all... if you do theres a chance one of them will "become ill" to guilt you into not going.... but you should make your siblings aware they need to step up and take more responsibility while you are away. I despise guilt tripping and manipulation..... please don't let it stop your well earned trip.

Your siblings need to step up sounds like you do a lot and deserve this trip.

Labell its difficult i stay firm now as if I appeased my mam I would have no break at all in the summer which she be thrilled about as Im available. I suit myself more now.

My mother was very controlling and being the only child I just appeased her. Looking back she stopped me from doing so much. If I was you I’d go any where you wanted. Please don’t let them hold you back.

Are you sure she hasn't misunderstood and thinks you want them to go with you? The wording does suggest that to me, ie "we (not you) will have to see how we are".

There is hospital patient transport for elderly, great service come pick the patient up and drop them off, i know edlerly in 80s who use it and praise it, shopping can be done online etc. enjoy your trip!

please book and go. I have been in a similar situation and dealt with the frostiness when we got back. It thawed after a couple of weeks because we’d been missed. But yes put a care package in hand even if just immediate family. I likened it to taking out an extra insurance policy. Go for it and enjoy. It’s your time.

I also wondered whether parent was thinking you were asking them to go with you.

Definitely go. But do help with making plans for while you’re away.

My parents are 80. Mum has a blue badge and doesn't get out much, maybe lunch with a friend a couple of times a month. Dad still driving. They just got back from Cyprus, have already booked to go back next September, and are visiting me in the middle east next March. Each time they come, I think it should be the last time, but they're not ready to stop yet.

You should absolutely do the right thing for you, it's not like you're emigrating (I did, 7 years ago!)

My parents are very old and they become very frightened and anxious but are incredibly stubborn too. There is always one sibling that tends to pick up the majority of the care. The fact is they have had their lives and this is your time. I have health issues and nobody to help out. I'm on my own in that regard and I'm regularly assessing where the boundaries are. It's very difficult because you undoubtedly love your parents. My parents would never want me not to do anything but I am their safety net. However, I remind them, I have no safety net so why should they get one and not me. We are all struggling to do the best we can but please go and enjoy your trip.

I had to re read your post as when Mother's comment was 'we'll have to see how we are', I thought they were going too!

It might be really good for them to either build a bit of self reliance or make them realise what other support they need to put in place.

Go and have a fantastic time.

Guilt tripping would have me packing my bags and being on my way. At their age, if they already rely heavily on you, you are going to need a long holiday whether it be now or later. Get that brochure, advice on where to lists and get gone. Have fun

Get on and live your life . It’s not up to you to be a carer . My mum has also descended into a very small world and that’s her choice not mine . I want my world to be big and it will be .

Of course you MUST go, and that goes for any future trips or plans you have.

Life is short, they are being selfish because they are old and fearful. You could drop dead yourself tomorrow.

Go for it.

As an oldie, nearly 90 yr old I would say, how lovely . My own late mother would guilt trip me on the odd weekend away, so I know the feeling

But please don't use the phrase, can't put your life on hold for them.
My only son passed away a few yrs ago. I only have my daughter in law left but she has already told me she " isn't putting her life on hold for anyone!"

I've not given her cause to think I would expect her too. I am fiercely independent, housebound but use the Internet for everything I need. But, those words cut me in 2..it spoiled my feelings towards her.

I hope you book your holiday and enjoy it. Assure Mum hospital transport or taxi will get her where she needs to be..then tell her all about it when you get back. Gradually retreating from the lifestyle they knew is natural progression, as we age.

Along with the almost 2000 other voters (don’t forget there are always a couple who hit the wrong voting button and think they can’t change their vote), you would BU not to go! Why on earth would you need to be making contingencies to cut your trip short? You have two siblings in case of any emergencies. This could also do your parents the world of good: you have enabled them to become overly-reliant on you, imo. Go and have a ball 💐

My mum is 89 she was still working as a psychotherapist until she got v ill last year now in 100% oxygen and has v much reduced her world.

my dad ( his funeral was yesterday) died at 98 and up until July was still walking 2 miles with no stick!

so I think your parents have aged themselves prematurely. 80 is really no age to shut yourself down.
we are now struggling with mum as her hearing is poor and her hearing aids are controlled by an app 😵‍💫😵‍💫
( mon dieu!)
the hearing thing really shuts them in their own world .

so go on your break . Give dates to your family to help .
type family phone numbers in big print give to your parents along with your dates .

if it makes you feel better get a good carers company in once a day ( my mum has 4 hrs a day) my mum’s private carers are amazing .

very best of luck . You could be in this situation another 19 years .

Honestly, my DW to the designated ‘responsible person’ in her family.

Example - DGM wants to be taken shopping every Saturday. We live 2.5hours away. Online shopping will not do. DW obliges every week. We went on holiday and arranged DW’s sister (DSIL) to take DGM shopping on one Saturday. ‘DSIL has just ordered me an online shop to get me through for a few days until you can come down and take me.’ And when we say no she’s supposed to take you shopping she would say ‘DSIL is here to visit we’re not wasting that time going out shopping! I’ll see you when you get back.’

As an outsider I just wanted to my DW to tell them all to F off. She’s the one who is expected to do everything but she’s not even the favourite! Which is infuriating. I think there must be some psychology behind it as she bends over backwards for them, and they expect her to.

DGM and DGF died 3 years ago and my DW doesn’t regret all that she did for them. But she also doesn’t regret putting her foot down on some things now they’ve gone either. Like holidays etc,

You need to go, and when DM says well what about me? You say you have other children and you will have to use taxis while I’m away. You’ll be fine and close down any discussion

One parent has just been sorted out with a care alarm through Age UK and another has just moved into a care home. We go off on a four week long haul trip next week to see our DC. Both ends of the family need us and we’re not 100% confident we won’t have to curtail our holiday, but we too are not getting any younger so we need to grab this opportunity now. Fortunately, we aren’t being guilt tripped. You have two siblings who can take on some caring duties in the short term at least.

Wow @MaddestGranny, your trip sounds amazing!

As you say, not everyone lets their life shrink as they get older. Equally, the OP should grab her opportunities now because we don’t know what the future holds. My Mum, for example, had an exciting life and traveled widely until she developed a chronic illness in her 40’s. So go for it @Suninthe, opportunities don’t always come around again.

My parents are your age. They have no other relatives apart from me but they would NEVER tell me not to go on a holiday no matter how long.

No, it doesn't. I'm 80 next year and have just come back from a strenuous 2,500 kilometre tour of the ancient sites of Turkey, with demanding amounts of walking, usually on uneven terrain and up & down steep slopes, every day. I wasn't the oldest person in the group. There were three others in their eighties. I needed to use a stick for balance on uneven ground & going downstairs/downhill and I (and a couple of others) was put to shame by a very sprightly 92year old who hopped up and down the steep hills like somebody fifty years younger. She'll be 93 in December and already has a trip booked for next year.
So, people make their choices. Your parents have made theirs.
You should definitely make yours and book that trip.

In 2007, when DH still alive, we went to NZ. We hired a camper-van. It was fab. The thing we agreed on was that instead of going for 6weeks, we should have booked for 8weeks. I suggest you book for 8 weeks and have a splendid time.