WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

@DeepRubySwan "Teaching is a great career for single mothers." You're pulling my chain!!!

Oh cmon it's a HUGE age gap and you know it. Anything over about 7 years is big. Even over 5 years I would say.

I think some of the comments here are from people who have never been with someone from a young age where there is a big age gap. You are living like it's the 1950s and no wonder you aren't happy. You need more in your life. If DH is earning 250k you can afford a really decent nursery. Just put the kids in kindergarten and start some kind of volunteer work that might lead to paid work (not at their school) that will help broaden your social circle and give you some relief from the domestic. Going back to work saved my mental health.

Despite what others say, 15 years is a really big age gap. I have 7 years between me and my DH and I really notice it especially now, and it has only become MORE of an issue as we have both become older. These relationships from a young age with someone a generation removed keep you pretty sheltered. You missed your young wild and free stage. As the children grow older I would encourage you to travel on your own just for short trips. In Europe, everything is close so it's easily done. Get a nanny if you need one or leave the kids with relatives. Do classes, do a dance class, do evening classes, anything at all.

Or consider leaving. You are only early 30's. You can meet someone else. You can start your life again. Past 40 this gets much harder. You would get a lot of child support. If you want to leave, start preparing now with a 2-year plan which includes a confidential chat with a lawyer and a plan for your own career. Teaching is a great career for single mothers. I know plenty and they are very happy. If you feel like this now, imagine when you are 45 and he is SIXTY years old?

@MeTooOverHere I was arguing your point about not being in love after a certain period of time. It is pretty obvious the OP isn't.

Good-o. My advice was to the OP.

@MeTooOverHere Totally disagree. My in-laws have been married 60 years and they are most definitely still in love with each other. They're amazing ❤️ Life is too short to be married to someone you do not love.

I would not throw that away just because "I'm not in love anymore" Being in love is temporary. It's never going to last. It either evolves into something stronger or it dies.

And as we get older our objectives in life change + our bodies change as we age. Don't mistake 'calm and peaceful' for boring.

Be very careful that you don't throw away a good marriage chasing social media representations of just how wonderful everyone else's life allegedly is.

You need to discuss how you feel with your husband, find out what he is feeling (ie find out if the marriage is 'good' or not) and then plan fwd from there. If it's just low key calm and peaceful and you both want some excitement, make plans. If you need a part time job, retrain.

It sounds like you need a bit more going on in your life to feel fulfilled. This should be possible without upending your family situation. Just some tweaks. Get those children into even a little bit of childcare - it will do them good. Spend that precious time on self care and doing things for you. Get that glam back! Explore dormant interests. If you are doing 100% of the childcare yourself, that is really hard, no matter if you love doing it. You are giving out all of the time. Important to be able to express this to your husband as well. Don't expect him to fix it, but he can at least be supportive. Btw, I also think it's really important to be that role model for your children that says you are an independent person who can look after your own happiness, show them how that's done. They will look back and admire you for that.

If I’m the sole earner so DW can be a SAHP then call me unreasonable but I’m not paying for a nanny for them to have me time, they can have me time when I get home

Go to a job agency or see if you can speak to a careers coach! Working in tv will give you good transferrable skills - have you thought about festivals, theatre, events management, the arts? Also look at doing a course!

My daughter was at home with me until she was over 2.5, then went in a few mornings a week and now she is 4 she is in childcare a few days a week and honestly it has been great for her in terms of socialising, confidence etc… She has learned so much from the nursery staff and the other kids - she loves going in! I felt like I was going mad when it was just me and her, you need to use your brains and challenge yourself. Look up courses, speak to some career people, do a bit of part time volunteering or even just take up a hobby. Even if you just put them in for the 15 hours initially it would be good for all of you!

As someone who had a kid at 39 I am very jealous of my friends who have teenagers and are going to festivals, plays and on adventurous holidays with their kids!

To quote a mumsnet staple, “comparison is the thief of joy”.

If you were a single career woman, you might also wonder if you’d be happier as the sahm with a happy family and well off husband you currently are.

If I’m honest, your post focuses on all the wrong things. Being slim, being able to “get any guy” in the past. Of course that’s fun, for a bit! But there is more to life.

If I were you, I’d focus on trying to maintain your personal interests and start working again. That will enhance your life. Thinking about other men and your weight wont add anything.

If you’ve got young children and you’re married you are living the life of someone in their 30s (as well as someone who’s maybe 40) even if your friends haven’t settled down yet. It’s very normal to be settled down with kids in your 30s, but I do get that you feel you settled down too early in your 20s. How old are your kids? Could they go to childcare one day a week and you do something part time? Childcare can be great for kids- mine loved the social aspect. Maybe once you can get back into work, you will feel more like yourself again. It doesn’t have to be the same work. Just something that makes you feel like you’re more than just a mum.

Sounds like you have a wonderful life but yes as others have said marriages need maintaining.

The ‘free, younger, dating’ people will be married or in the thick of baby years soon. You’ll be past it sooner and ready for your second wind whilst still being very young!

You could give it all up and try being a single mum and it might not seem so appealing then!

I do think you should be honest with your husband about how you feel as he shouldn’t be settling for someone who only half loves him when his ‘soulmate’ could be out there? I don’t think you’re being fair to him.

How you handle age differences depends on your situation, your needs and attitudes. For 15 years I lived with someone 49 years younger than me. She wanted a child and I couldn't give her one for medical reasons. So she found someone she liked who could.
Now I live with her, her husband and their daughter. I no longer have a sexual relationship with her; we are all close friends. And I support and have a relationship with someone so much younger than me it's almost embarrassing.- but fun.
How you live your life depends on your attitudes - and imagination. Few people have much of that. They like to follow the herd.
But when I was much younger I decided that if you live like everyone else you might just as well never have lived at all.

@valentinka31 Not if you are not attracted to your husband and fundamentally don't love him.

I don’t think OP needs a new man, I just think she needs something in her life that isn’t kids.

of course it doesn't. But it's a great base from which to plan change.

Or what? Ditch him? And what of the kids?

You married an older guy and had kids. You won't have freedom to be 'free' and unattached and find a new genuine match until the kids are older. Or what? Do it now? Go down the gym and find a guy? I don't know. Do what you need to.

You made a choice. But it's easy enough to change. Just will now hurt people.

Having enough money to stay at home 24/7 does not automatically equal a happy marriage. I speak from experience. Now remarried.

You literally have zero idea of how bad things can be.

You are living the dream.

You can do a masters, bump up your qualifications, reconnect. When the kids are at school you'll have 9-3 each day. There's so much you can do. Look at the good. And now make space for your next stage and project.

@Abcdefghno You sound very rigid in your attitude, and fretting about a past that can never come back is preventing you from taking any kind of constructive, forward thinking approach. Have you no other interests or any ideas at all which you could develop into something? My Mum worked as a chemist before giving it up the way you did to be a SAHM: when the kids reached 12 and 10 she started thinking about a possible alternative career, then she unintentionally became pregnant with me. She decided to become a local councillor, since that was something she could realistically fit in with my care, was passionate about serving her local community, was environmentally active long before it became fashionable, and she set up a lot of projects in young adult education. She could just possibly have progressed to standing as an MP, but didn't want to. It set a great example for me, and kept her marriage to my Dad on an even keel, since she was less bored and frustrated, and they had plenty to talk about.

I know further education, which used to be the way adults retrained and got back into the job market, isn't what it was, and I don't know what's available near you, but an Open University qualification - certificate, diploma, full degree, even though that takes a lot of discipline and commitment to do, is SO worth it; also a lot of City and Guilds, providing real employable skills, is now online: just look at all the opportunities here. Just start small, something which will take a couple of hours of your day, and build from there.
Vocational Training | Qualifications | City & Guilds

this

I think you risk turning into the sort of person who is never happy with what they've got, OP.

If I were in your shoes I would start listing things I'm grateful for every night before going to sleep (I do this already and it is actually backed by science to improve mood).

I would look at what career I could have moving forwards, either now or in a couple of years time. Maybe see a good career advisor or look at various online uni courses etc.

I would lose weight if it were making me unhappy. Personally, I slowly went from obese to normal weight following the advice in 'the obesity code' by Dr Jason Fung.

I would consider putting my children in child care at least some of the time. While I can understand not wanting to put your very young children in nursery if you don't have to, studies suggest that child care after the age of 3 is actually beneficial. I'd suggest reading this summary: https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

Then if you've made a bunch of positive changes and you still feel unfulfilled in your marriage, then at least you know it's actually about your marriage and not about something completely different. You could then look to rekindle the relationship (read a couple of the Gottman books, they're great) or decide to divorce.

Whatever your do, don't just while away the years wishing you were your glam 20-something self. Life never stays static and we need to change and grow with it.

If you don't love your husband OP then it's not fair on either of you to stay married. It's that simple.

Hi OP.

You could be me. I am 31, DP is 45. We have children together, I work very part time and my DP works full time with a six-figure salary. I could stop working tomorrow if I wanted to, but I don’t, because…

I think you need to find something fulfilling in your life that isn’t just child rearing, and perhaps not be so set on your children not being in any sort of childcare? I have a nanny once a week, on that day I work and also get some free time for myself. It’s also good for my two year old as she gets to socialise with a couple of other kids her age, and they always do fun activities which sometimes I am too tired or have no will for! Childcare doesn’t mean nursery 5 days a week.

I also love my DP and we do lots together, again we have childcare that means we can go on dates, mini breaks, nights away together… these things keep our relationship fresh and exciting. I don’t even think about our age gap, unless I’m winding him up or he brings up an 80s movie 😂