WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

OMG you are me…married a man 15 years older than me, we had a good marriage for 15 years but the next 15 years were just boring as hell. We separated last year and I basically have no life other than my grandchildren.
I have no friends and I’m lonely as hell, I have a part time job but it’s just me that works there so no interaction with people. XH is mid 70’s and has a girlfriend and he still works part time, plays golf and has friends.
My advice would be get out now and make a new life for yourself. The age gap gets worse as you get older xx

It doesn’t help to compare yourself with others - you have 2 DC so if you left your DH your life would still not be carefree and glamorous. Lose the weight - Mounjaro, gym, whatever works for you - and start studying towards a qualification so you can start a new career once the DC start school. It’s not the age difference that’s the problem (I have a similar age difference with my DH), it’s that you are bored and feeling unfulfilled. Once the DC are in school, if you are still unhappy then reassess, but by then you will be able to support yourself financially and be in a much stronger position.

I am very confused as to what you think will be the outcome if you up and leave.

He can't do full time parenting, you can but then can't work, or go anywhere, do anything - in what way would you be better off?

Or, work within the parameters you currently have which is plenty of money, nice place to live etc, and build a more fulfilling life.

If having done that you still don't feel like you love your husband (and I agree with PP, 'love' and 'wildly in the first stages of love' are not remotely the same thing), then leave him.

Sorry but this is a gilded cage of your own making and making comparisons to friends presumably looking through the lens of social media is going to make your life poor!

Start looking at your husband and children as your issue of discontent and look at yourself to improve your self worth. Get a job, use childcare like the rest of us , you can afford a cleaner so employ one!

I think that you’re bored. The early years are so full on with kids that you have no time, and as you come out of those it’s time to find some stuff for you!

If you have plenty of money, I would look around for a career coach and have this conversation with them.

If you have media experience and qualifications, my suggestion would be to have a look at where you could pivot to, thinking about roles which fit well round a family, using the coach will let you pull out your own feelings.

Eg if you identified publishing as a worthwhile area then you could do a masters in publishing over the next two years, studying whilst the kids are in school. By which time you would probably feel very differently about them being in after school club a couple of nights a week.

Or you might identify that you want to do something with more heart than the media, and pivot to working for charity. You might pick up some part time work from home admin work for a charity which you can fit into school hours, and then use that experience to move into a more senior role in 2 years.

Additionally I would recommend that if you don’t currently have a cleaner, get one. You’ll need that set up for going back to work/study etc.

If you don’t already have a gym membership get one, and aim to get a personal trainer for a few sessions to support with the weight loss. It gets much harder to lose in your 40s and if you’re working, so now is the time to do that.

If you miss your old friends from pre children days get back in touch! Your kids are old enough to be left overnight with their dad or close family. Go into London, meet them, have a night out, book into a hotel and have brunch before you go home!

I agree. Everyone thinks everyone else's life is perfect. Agree about the childcare but what about a nanny. Your kids must be close to school age now anyway. Hire the nanny and spend the time choosing what you want to do in the future: study, work, applying for jobs/uni etc. I understand as had a very similar life trajectory.

This....

You do sound bored to death...

Don't be a martyr to your kids... Most women work... And there is good child care out there... Or with your family income you can have a nanny a couple of days a week.

The pressure is off as you actually don't have to bring in a specific amount of money...

So. Use the days to retrain /do something stimulating....

Don't be So passive

Your kids won't suffer if they have good childcare rather than a bored to death mum!

Absolutely agree.

This is a very predictable outcome
You refuse to use childcare. You won’t work. You left London moved away from work contacts and the hub of work to live in the burbs. You gave up work,consequently you have no career. Your problem is you. Your choices. Your pursuit of a lifestyle and those choices have consequences.
Retrain, get a job. Arrange childcare. Throw money at it.

But why would I? Who actually enjoys sex with their husband? I get loads of lovely breaks booking the most expensive resorts in the world so he doesn't mind a smaller suite. I don't dislike him. His personality I like a lot. He's great fun. Just not the sex. His refusal to do the jabs is a big sticking point for me because he's technical obese while now being retired and exercising hours a day which ruin any ability of plans between us. He's likely avoiding me as much as I am him. His excuse is ridiculous though when he's fat and training 7 days a week. Verified training. Would have preferred an affair.

Get a job. Problem solved.

You sound very materialistic and don't seem to have any financial problems so not sure why you are jealous of others? And what exactly do you mean by "better men" compared to your DH?!

Do you realise that you can divorce him? You don't need his permission to end the relationship. Contact a lawyer and get started with it if it's what you want. He doesn't have to agree to end the relationship, but you can divorce him anyway against his will.

You’ve created your own barriers to career progression. Won’t use child care.
How you going to get any employment traction if you won’t use childcare?
I mean come on, you’re a young woman. You’re affluent Throw some money at the problem. Use childcare stop being a mummy martyr. You don’t have a career because you literally don’t put in the hours

My god that is so so depressing. One in 45 couples that are happy? Why do we do this to ourselves?

No I know tons and they get both discounted or free school fees plus school holidays off. I am in Australia mind you where teachers here make 100k (AUD) plus after only a few years and have a strong union. But my point is that it won't be easy but it can be done.

It is a tale as old as time. Woman gives up career for an affluent housewife life. Regret creep in
Retrain get a new career. Get some self fulfilment that’s not based on fripperies and lifestyle
Warn your kids not to have a life that involves women giving up careers and autonomy

Really? How long have you been married? I only know one couple out of 45 we're regularly in touch with who are happy in their marriages. The one is age appropriate but they're both from ex-soviet nations and as conservative as you could possibly imagine. She cried and had a meltdown about him seeing her fall asleep pumping because he took a photo. He meant it as a joke. He is a good guy. She saw it as an epic failure she's atoned for over 9 years to never look so unattractive.

Many of those single, glamorous friends probably wish they could settle down. Instagram isn’t reality — it often shows only the highlights. You seem to have a lovely life, and I’d really encourage you to count your blessings and try to see things from a different perspective.
Imagine being a single, beautiful woman in London: working long hours, living in a small rented apartment, going out partying often, dating different men, and then coming home alone at night — feeling empty and lonely. And remember, youth doesn’t last forever. In just a few years, the number and quality of potential partners tends to decline. Many of the good men will already be married, leaving mostly divorced ones or men with their own issues.
Now, think about what you have: two beautiful children, a good husband, financial stability, and the precious chance to spend time with your kids as they grow — moments you’d miss in a 9-to-5 job that wouldn’t care for you the way your family does.
If you feel things have lost a bit of spark, you can always bring it back — maybe by losing a few pounds if that makes youfeel better, planning a romantic dinner, or having a cozy movie night with some champagne. Talk openly with your husband about how you feel, what you appreciate about him, and what he appreciates about you.
Trust me, you haven’t missed out — you’re actually one of the lucky ones.

I have requested multiple times. We've been married 18 years. No prenup. I would get an incredibly generous settlement. I'm still a very glamorous size UK 6 at 43. He has said multiple times I look better now than when we married. He has absolutely no interest in a divorce and he had a shame kink that only emerged when he passed the £20m net worth threshold which is what absolutely repulses me. He wants me to talk dirty about how much he repulses me though which just...isn't what I signed up for. He tries to trigger me by not showering etc to say mean things. We simply aren't compatible anymore. TRUST ME. I have encouraged him to find someone better for him.

This isn't a debate. This is an advice column.

@Abcdefghno not really much advice but a bit of solidarity! I also worked in film & tv and met my now husband who was 11 years older. Fell pregnant quite quickly and had to give it up as I could no longer fulfill the 70+ hour weeks and travel to shoots. He still works in that industry and is away quite a bit, leaving me with our two disabled DC. It can be very lonely. I went back and retrained and now at 32 years old work as a midwife. The hours are long but I only work 3 days a week and feel like I have an actual life away from the home! Going back to work is very daunting however I do think it’s beneficial for mental health purposes.

@MeTooOverHere Oh dear. That's kind of the point of debate 😆 And no - I do not agree with you. My in-laws are still in love after 60 years.

Is there a TL;DR please?

There is a HUGE difference between being IN LOVE and LOVING someone. Don't lecture me, I know exactly what I said and I don't appreciate you butting in.