WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

OP I've given up a lot in my life, partners, homes, jobs. At the time I thought it was because they were making me unhappy and it's only in old age that I've realised that I suffered badly from depression. It's too late for me now, but please explore your mental health before you make any rash changes, your post reminded me so much of my younger self.

I would also like to point out that age gap relationships can work.

My grandparents had a 14 year age gap. They both worked very hard and accumulated wealth, meaning they retired at 60 and 46. They spent the next 20 years together travelling, holidaying, sharing hobbies. The biggest ‘issue’ is that my grandfather died at 80, leaving my grandmother a relatively young widow at 66. They had an absolutely fantastic time together and she wouldn’t change it for the world.

Not wanting a job or career because you’d have to use childcare is ridiculous.

Most 20-somethings who marry and have kids with other 20-somethings both have to work because they’re too early on the career/housing ladder to afford to do anything else. So if you really want to live like a 20-something, get a job.

Work will not only give you something to focus on other than your kids, it will potentially give you a new social life, friends and your own income which you can rely on if you decide that the age gap really is the problem in your relationship and you want to leave

Great post. Agree entirely.

Two things strike me. First you sound immature and unable to accept that life has its stages and you made your choices. Second, you didn't know yourself well enough to make the choices you did, probably too immature then too.

Your dh has done exactly what was asked/expected of him, you can't blame him. It's really on you and you need to own it a bit.

I don't know how you can turn this around but you will make everyone unhappy in the process of getting out of it if you don't. Learning to be very grateful for the blessings you have is a difficult thing if you are, well, just not.

Exactly

That’s sad - what happened to your friends? It’s never too late to make some news ones.

Yes , I agree ..
Why don’t you just leave the man alone if these are your feelings towards him ..

What does love even mean, really? I agree with the saying that love is a verb - it's the actions big and small that we take every day to show love and caring. It's something that has to be worked at and nurtured. I'd at least have lots of open conversations with my DH, push for changes and try counselling etc before just walking out.

I think outside of MN it’s not an unpopular viewpoint and according to stats most people do marry within their age range and those marriages are most likely to endure .

I agree with this too - it feels like the man has had his fun and growing up and independence. Then in his late 30s or 40s or whatever he settles down with a younger woman who hasn’t that fun and freedom so it doesn’t feel fair to me. And there’s often some misogynistic thinking involved in the fact they want the youngest woman possible. I feel if men want younger women they should marry them when they too are young!

Obviously some women are fine with this arrangement but many live to regret it. Especially if they become financially dependent on their husband and didn’t develop their career.

I also stuck to my age range and typically never dated a man more than 7 years older or younger than me.

I agree with a few other posters, it sounds like the age old ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ we all do it! But what you see online isn’t real & what people choose to tell you about their lives isn’t necessarily real either. Maybe speak to your husband and see if there is anything you can both do to reconnect, you must have fallen in love for a reason. Remember the small little things are all that really matter in the end xx

People should be warned about age gaps. My friend is mid 40s and her husband is early 60s. He's retiring and just had knee replacements, whilst she's still very glam and at height of her career. They essentially lead separate lives, but with young children holding them together. Not always the case of course, but 15 years is a big gap, and it widens as you get older.

I don’t have much sympathy because of the judgy comments about sticking kids in nursery. And the insistence that it wouldn’t be possible for you to work. Of course it would. Work is like a social outlet for me these days with 2 kids. I’d be bored stiff without that. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM but it sounds like you are really unfulfilled and bored by it.

The age gap will feel wider and wider as you age, once he hits mid 50’s you’ll really see it. But that doesn’t mean you should end it and blow apart the family you have made, remember that all of this was your choice. But you do sound like you are unfulfilled and need something for you, You need to find yourself a new career/job, make sure you are seeing friends and exercising. The children will grow and become more independent, don’t lose yourself while you’re waiting for it.

But did you miss the bit where she says her dh is a workaholic. What does me time look like if you as the sole earner aren’t home before 9pm/10pm/11pm

Where they live isn’t London where you can go out into the centre and be surrounded by people and things to do at 9/10/11pm. It’s the countryside and the only things you can be surrounded by is sleepy sheep, cows and horses

Look your option boil down to
A. Do nothing
B. Blow it all up
C. Proactively build on what youve got.

I was in tv/media its a young persons game. Forget it now you have 2 kids... its gone. Pick something else - retrain, start a business, whatever....
Set health goals, set travel goals, whatever.
Make some friends locally who have similar lifestyles to you.

Build on what you've got would be my advice.

When I met my dh and 33/34 and felt my 20s were a fucking waste - just emptiness, drinking parties and working long hours looking for meaning and to dampen the lonliness.
Politely you have no clue what a sea of human effluent most women wade through to find a decent husband - the info you provided is scarse but his biggest crimes seem to be aging and working hard... 🤨 so im struggling to shout ltb because he seems decent, family oriented and you loved him enough to marry him. Your discontent with him is your discontent with yourself.

I wish I'd met my dh aged 25 (although he'd only have been 18 so it wouldnt work....!) And we'd have more time, happiness and memories and most importantly more children!

@Abcdefghno you have a decent caring husband who treats you well, you have no financial worries. Why not talk to him about doing something more for yourself, retraining. You're a team.

Mark my words, a man like him would be snapped up in days. Then youd be left with two kids to bring up pretty much on your own. Men tend to avoid women when they haven't got time to date. And then you'll have to find time for a career. Be careful what you wish for.

I understand OP, being a SAHM even with all the nice stuff wasn’t enough for me either. I thought I’d become really boring and probably a bit baggy to DH because I had been lonely without enough stimulation. And people don’t understand because from the outside, it looks as if you have the perfect life. I would look into a little bit of childcare - a nanny for a few hours a couple of days a week and I’d use that time to spend on yourself - be it that weight you want to lose or start looking at retraining in a different career. When you find yourself a bit more, you realise that the world is a bit bigger and you can start planning your long game. It’s not that you don’t love you children - we all do - it’s just that sometimes we need to find more.

Get a job

Don't be so judgemental about childcare

Get a hobby

Marriages are so hard while your children are young and need you for everything.
There is not time for each other and in some ways (at least for me) your children take and need most of the room within you for sacrificial love. Your relationship goes on the back burner for a bit and that’s ok if you’re working towards your shared goal of raising happy children together.

But as your children get older and and need you less for day to day tasks the love you have for your partner has time to flourish again.

Just be careful what you could throw away with no guarantees of greater fulfilment.
And don’t underestimate how much shared memories and having children together and knowing you’re with the person who loves them as much as you do can mean for your relationship together.

Age gaps do become more noticeable as you get older and there’s no way of getting around that but it’s a balancing act - there is no perfect situation.

And you have to look at the life you would have if you left your husband - you can’t go back to your carefree twenties. You have young children, what ever option you go with there will be complications and compromises.

I think you possibly still have some growing up still to do. I know that sounds horrible. But you are responsible for you. I have changed career 2x since my 50s. I now have a new business and big hopes. But both required a lot of learning. One a masters and the other learning a ton about AI.
Your husband isn’t holding you back, your own choices are. Now decide what you are going to do about it. And yes this will probably require retraining.

i was married so someone older than me and the age difference became more apparent as we got older. We had a child as well but I continued to work so a slightly different situation. I’m not sure the age gap is the issue here as much as your lifestyle. I would be bored as a SAHM and would find it lonely. Could you go back to work or join some clubs or groups?

Having children is a sacrifice. With kindness, I would suggest you focus on being grateful for what you have and make some plans to build on your career too.

These are the best days of your life. Stop comparing your life to other people’s. Comparison really is the thief of joy. You run the risk of looking back at these precious days and wishing you had been fully invested.

Focus on the good qualities your husband has and cherish those. If you need some fun then organise it, meet old friends, make those plans. Make your life as fun as you need to.

You would miss all you have if it was gone. Reframe and see that you actually have it all. Be grateful. It will increase the happiness in your home and life will be bloody perfect. Your cup is already full.

P.S. cutting off/back on social media
always helps improve happiness levels

you are 30! Normal folks have to work almost another 40 years to draw their pension.

Yo are incredibly wealthy. You can do anything you want. Find something you want to do, retrain. You may have to stick the kids into nursery though.

I don’t think it’s the age gap as such, I think it’s that you basically settled down very young.

These threads are always feeling sorry for some bloke who shacked up with a girl straight out of uni. I mean if a 36/37yr old was sniffing around my 21yr old daughter I would be horrified. I never feel sorry for these men, I see them as fundamentally predatory.

OP missed out on the formative experiences that many of us had in our 20’s. I got married in my late 20’s to someone 7yrs older than me. I was at the edge of too young for him, he was at the edge of too old for me. By the time we got married I was ready to settle down a bit. There is no way in hell I would have wanted to live a sensible life with a 30 something yr old straight out of uni. Now I have some vague regrets of not kissing more boys but I am happy because I had that more carefree time in my life and was ready to be in a committed relationship with a wonderful man and have kids.

OP you are where you are, try to expand your own life a bit, you aren’t going to be able to go back to your early 20’s again. Thats over. But you can still have a happy and fulfilling life going forward. Get a job sorted etc.