WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

Please don’t throw away a charmed life. You don’t realise how lucky you are. The grass is always greener where you water it and conversely, perishes if you neglect it.

Before you make any defining statements and decisions from which you cannot return, take control of your life. Invest time, money and energy in getting yourself where you want to be regarding weight, retraining and try looking after your marriage. When you feel better about yourself, you might be able to rekindle your feelings with your partner. Very few people (I doubt any) have a marriage that works without effort long term. The important thing is you had those feelings at the beginning- yours was not a marriage of convenience- meaning they can be nurtured back. It gets easier when the kids are not so needy and it’s good- great- for your kids to see mummy and daddy enjoying life , having fun not taking it all too seriously. Give your life meaning. Try finding it where you are. Some people look for a perfect life. Some people make the life they have perfect.

Lucky you, but that’s not everyone’s situation, as shown by other posts on here.

You should see it as a glass half full situation and focus on all the things you do have. Your age and financial situation mean you have the gift of time, both in the sense of years ahead of you to develop a whole new career and time in each day to pursue passions without being dragged down by a 9-5. I’m sure your friends envy you!

What do you love doing? What personal goals do you have? What would be your dream career? A big picture example: if a goal is to get fit, you could join a run club to build body confidence and also meet new people. You could love it and it could end up taking you to other places personally, like doing marathons or professionally, such as retraining as a PT. There’s so much opportunity, you just have to take that first step.

As for your marriage, if your husband’s a good man and you loved him once, you can rekindle that if you truly want to. Remember why you fell in love, become partners again, not just parents and spend quality time getting to know these new versions of each other at this stage of life.

@GooglieWooglyWooglyWooglyWoo Genuine.question...are you still attracted to your DH? I'm 45 and definitely don't feel attracted to men of 73. My father is pretty much the same age.

Your post has a sad resignation, there’s an inevitability that you’ll be his carer.
Did friends or family caution you not to get involved with such big age gap
look I get whirlwind and love is a like a deranged state…but come on? You’re losing your youth and zesty spontaneity to an older adult. Sure, he’s been there done that , and now he’s robbing you of the zest & opportunities he had

I'm in a similar situation and also early 30s, but 28 years between us and one child. I love him to pieces but it's only really dawning on me the age gap. I'm suddenly scared of what will happen in the future, and of being alone, and of being heartbroken. I was in such a whirlwind romance when I married him that I didn't even care about any of this or allow myself to believe it was a reality, but only when we lived together for a while after marriage did I really start to notice certain things that I'm still struggling with. I feel like he thinks he knows everything as he's older, and I've been trying to help him get the zest for life again - the one that young people tend to have - but it seems like he feels he has "been there done that" with most things. He will get older and I will have to care for him. I could go on. But I do love him, and he's a fantastic father to our DC. And he's so many things I love too. I also feel he helped to heal me in many ways and become a better person. I think it was meant to be. Anyway, I really wish you the best and just thought I'd share :)

I think age gaps can work but it’s dependant on the people. If you’re the young one and love to party then yes it might likely get to a stage where the older partner isn’t up for it as much. If you like a slower pace of life then it’s probably easier to make the age gap work.

Yes, which was CAUSED by my fluctuating progesterone levels in Peri. Never had a thyroid issue prior to that throughout my entire life. Google effects of hormones on thyroid if you dont believe me- plenty of scientific studies abound.

Good grief- do you really not see that hormonal shifts can affect other parts of our bodies? 😳 THAT is the point. My consultant literally told me this and he is a leading world expert in HRT/menopause

You had under active thyroid not peri... That's the point.

Hmm. I married an older man & see all this in my marriage. But we are now further on. Unfortunately when you hit 45 and he is 60 the gap will be even more apparent.

Obviously doesn’t like the responses

This is hysterical! Mid 50's? Me and DH are mid 50's and we behave the same way as we did in our 30's. We are just about to go to the Caribbean and will be going to the disco every night. LOL.

How about starting your own business to give you some fulfilment? That way it's hours to suit you too 😊

17 pages and the Op hasn't been back 😬

Completely unhelpful comments from you two , especially “ ThelivelyRose” ..
I did this & I did that , you’re great 🙄..
What helpful contribution do you think letting OP know how you live your life makes ??
She wants some encouragement & advice , what encouraging words are you speaking ( only bragging about your “great “ life choices ) or what helpful advice are you giving ?? ..
OP has 2 beautiful children & her husband is a good man , they have no financial worries ..
So stop with your wagging finger , “you should have done this, & you should have done that “ .
Like others have advised , look for part time work , arrange date nights , lose that weight that is bothering her ..
Wouldn’t be giving up on my marriage just yet if I was her , over a load of what ifs & buts !!!

The grass is always greener. It's easy to look at other people and think they're having a great time, I missed out. But you didn't miss out compared to them, you're just on a different path. Your children are needy at the moment but you will be still quite young when your children are more grown up and independent and you'll able to pick up your own life and goals again.

You are being a bit "all or nothing" in your thinking about childcare and work. You say your kids mean "everything" to you. They obviously don't or you wouldn't feel you were missing out. And it's perfectly normal to want more from life than just motherhood and housewifery. Also normal to feel ancient when you're the mum of young children. You will feel freer and younger as they get older!

You can't have everything but you do have choices and opportunities. You could go back to your career, nursery, paid chldcare and all, and put the hours in. Or you could look into different job and career options, or different activities, ones that fit better with your current commitments, and that you can grow into a new career in a few years time. Look at what's available locally, who could use your skills and interests. It's not just abut the money you can earn right now. It's about your fulfilment, and about building up your opportunities in the longer term.

Life is a compromise. OK, you don't like paid childcare. But you will need some form of childcare since your husband isn't going to take a share and you don't want to do it all. Find a form that works for you - part-time or fulltime, nanny or childminder or nursery, and give it a go.

This is not about your husband's age. This is you figuring out how to make the best of the choices you've made. They say that growing up is when you look at your life and think "I might have blown it". And you really haven't.

The big issue here is you can force yourself to be attracted to someone if you're not. And intimacy is important in marriage - even if it you are sure it's not for you (at such a young age I'd be surprised) it may well be for him (or vice versa).

You have a few choices but start by working on you. Get your body back in shape if that's what is getting you down. Stop looking at others and thinking the grass is greener, it invariably isn't.

Work at the marriage. Your DH is a good provider and you obv fancied him and married him, so buried is a spark of passion, find it again. Or end the marriage and have a lesser life than now in the hope you meet someone your age!

Make new friends. I used Facebook after my DH died and I moved to a new area. My DCs are young adults now but they were 13/14 when their DF died. A strong network of female friends is liberating. There are 14 of us in a core group, 8 of us are good friends, and there are about 25 in the wider group. We hit festivals, shows, meals, visit places, go away for the weekend (Copenhagen is our next trip followed by Wroclaw). This means I have something in the diary most weekends.

But mostly, find some feelings of gratitude for what you have. I think your set up sounds like a good foundation for a successful relationship and family life.

You need a career - you sound bored. Why not look at getting a nanny if you don’t want to use nursery or childminder? Better for your DC to be looked after by someone else for a few hours a week than for their family to be split up.

Also, if your DH is a workaholic, then a talk about him putting effort/time into your relationship as well as family time with the DC might be necessary.

You need to go back to work, and re-discover purpose beyond your children. They will be in school soon and you will feel even more bored and dissatisfied.

No judgement of SAHP - I know that there are some parents who find it incredibly fulfilling but you are clearly not one of them. Great childcare and early years education can add so much to a child's first five years. My children's lives were enhanced by their relationship with our wonderful childminder. I am a better mother because I work.

You are so young and you sound utterly trapped. You can't work on your marriage unless you are both staying in it out of choice, not necessity because you've made yourself totally dependent and unable to leave by the age of 30.

You are early 30s. Your best years are yet to come. I think you need to get back to work. If you have the resources you can get a live in nanny. Kids will not suffer and particularly not if mum is happier. Secondly work on the marriage. DCs leave you tired and in need of a refresh. Go take some counselling and focus on reinvigorating the marriage. Make sure you make time for both of you as well as the kids.

I’d look at the things you can change relatively easily first. Look at diet and exercise and lose the weight you’re unhappy to have gained. Spend some time feeling good about your appearance and clothes, this makes a huge difference.

Then find something fulfilling to do alongside your parenting. Even if for a couple of days a week. Can you retrain for a new career, you’re still very young so plenty of time when the kids are older.

Plan some fun things with your DH and see if there is still any spark. Do you have any childcare at all? Perhaps look at what’s available locally - it doesn’t have to be a nursery, maybe a nanny is a better option?

I think as you grow older lots of options close for you as you choose other ones. You’ll have women who concentrated on their careers wishing they had prioritised finding a husband. Most people don’t manage to do everything as they’d hope as there’s only so much time and energy. I think it’s natural to wonder what your life would have been had you chosen a different path. When you think of this life you’ve no idea what it would have actually been like and so have a fantasy version.

I think like others have said you should try to work at your marriage.

I think you are feeling very isolated and alone. Are there any groups you could join , children's groups? Volunteering can be very fulfilling. I think you are bored with the same routine , day in, day out. You need to meet people, be around others. You will feel good talking to your dh about your day, you can make friends. Being a mother doesn't mean you have no life. Please give it some thought

I understand what you mean to some extent. Having kids is a big life change for most people. A lot of freedom goes, you can’t just do what you want when you want to. Of course there are huge rewards but there can be a loss of an earlier version of yourself, or a hypothetical version ie what could have been. But this is just projecting a narrative that does not exist. Yes, those years might have been more fun, but there would have been some downs too. I’d suggest a couple of things to reflect on. You mentioned no to childcare which is fair enough. Is this primarily your thinking or his? Are you thinking no childcare ever? Would it be ok at a certain age? What do you do for yourself in the week? What do you do when your DC are at school? Hobbies? Could you study something new, either just for interest or with a view to retraining? Could you volunteer? Could you go to the gym? Have you reached out to old friends? How do things work with money in your home? Might it be worth seeing a counsellor or life coach to help work out what you want? To me it sounds like you are lonely and bored (and maybe feeling powerless?) which I know can be hard. But thinking about what could have been will not move you forward. There’s lots of small steps you could take to make life more interesting. Re the passion being gone, I don’t think this can always be sustained at the levels earlier on after you have kids. But I think emotional intimacy really grows which gives a real sense of security and peace. I also do wonder if in some way you resent your DH in the sense that he’s off out of the house and you’re at home with the kids, maybe feeling under appreciated? That can be a big passion killer.
Whatever choices we make, nothing can be perfect, there always going to be the good and the not so good. Talking to your DH about how you feel so you can work out together how to move forward could be a plan. Or if you prefer not, just smaller steps/choices might help. Good luck.