WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

Where does it say that he wanted her to stay home? It sounds like it's both their decision not to use childcare (something OP has repeated) and that they discussed it beforehand. OP hasn't mentioned that she felt pressured into it and it sounds like COVID had an impact on her chosen industry, not just having children.

OP - the friend's you're jealous of, do they have children yet? I'm not sure if this is an age gap issue, more of a being at different life stages. Your friends who appear to be glamorous and free on insta are likely glamorous and free because they don't have children yet, not because they don't have an age gap. You're also only seeing the edited highlights - I've got a lot of friends who very much aren't enjoying dating in their 30s.

Don’t remain as a SAHM. Honestly, that’s a massive risk. Look at where you stand today; you’re not content, you feel the spark has gone. What if your marriages slides South? The feeling of isolation and lack of connection may all be because you have young kids ie. circumstantial, and mendable - but what if it’s not? What if the drift continues and he decides it’s not really working for him either?

Separating at 35/40, when he doesn’t need much if any assistance to look after the kids on his nights/weekends, you’ll be many years unwaged and have a lot fewer options than you’d have had if you’d done something about it now. 30 is very, very young.

Okay, the kids are still quite small now, but by the time they’re at school you will absolutely be able to work full time or with the potential to opt for that if something goes wrong. As he earns a fortune then you should have options about how to care for them if there’s a shortfall in parental availability. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking they’re your life’s work. They may be the most important thing to you, as they are to many of us, but honestly, no-one gives a fuck how much you didn’t want to put your kids into nursery when your marriage ends and you’re left scrabbling around. They just want a CV.

Why not work on getting back to some sort of independent life? You have not been out of the workplace that long, if you had a media-related profession then look at female returner programmes. Media is trickier than some vocational positions (as in had you been an accountant, for example) but you’ll have many transferable skills and attributes - if you feel you lack qualifications, can you get them now? Could you work in comms or HR? What would you actually LIKE to do that you can do now? Forget about what used to be and think about what could be. More marriages end than don’t - yours may not but plan for all eventualities. I feel you’re quite vulnerable and don’t necessarily know it.

Spot on

Well yeah, you are. You married someone that age and now have settled into that 40-something life with him.

Since you have kids already you can’t really go back. Would therapy help you come to terms with it?

You signed up for every step of what you’ve done and enjoyed the benefits of it. You don’t get to make all the choices in the world - to be single and have a rich older boyfriend, to be a SAHM and not put kids in childcare AND keep your career. You can’t make both choices so you have to be satisfied with the choices you made.

If you’re jealous of others, maybe they were jealous of you before. Let it go.

You say you wasted your ‘glam skinny years’ but did you waste them being with someone you supposedly love who has given you a good life, two children and no need to work?

If you’re sad because you’re fatter, older and less shiny well we all age OP. Has being with your older husband maybe made you feel older than your peers faster?

There is 12 years between me and husband and we've been together 16 years. He's in his 60s now and his health is failing and ill probably lose him early but he has been my light in the dark all this time. One in a million bloke. I still get butterflies when I'm due to see him or when he rings me.

You don't sound as if you ever liked yours. Was it a seduction of a nice life?

You're stuck in a rut. If you're not happy then do something about it. If you're not happy with your weight then do something about it. Get a PT job so you've got something else in your life. Retrain so you will be able to support yourself if you eventually split up

You're looking at the past, you can't go back and the grass isn't always greener.

I agree with this. We started our family in our mid twenties for example and so did a relative and one of our friends. None of us had amazing careers by then and none of us were really the partying type. All of the parent friends I subsequently made were a lot older than me but the age gap wasn't important, it was the life circumstances (and obviously personalities!) that drew us together. I don't consider we were living the life of a 40yr old when I was 27 with 2 DC for example. I just consider I was living the life of a 27yr old with 2DC. Met plenty of people via work in their 40s and child free so obviously vastly different lifestyles. That's not age though it's just different choices.

It does have a whiff of this, I'm afraid OP.

My husband and I are the same age and had loads of fun travelling and had our son at 34. We both work, son is in nursery 3 days a week.

Yes, the passion is only an infrequent visitor, and we probably argue plenty compared to you and your husband, but that's not uncommon with young kids.

I think you need to get over your stigma of childcare and see if you can find a childminder or nursery that will take them two afternoons or mornings a week. Use them for exercise, for plotting your next career move, whatever.

You can't bash your stable relationship unless you take an effort with the dissatisfaction you have with yourself.

I'd be very surprised if some of your friends didn't start having babies soon if they're early 30s and have partners, maybe you will feel better when they catch up and you're all in the same boat again.

I don't think getting married young is the problem and it's certainly not the age gap (yet). It's the giving up work and becoming a SAHM. It's all very well deciding you don't want DC in childcare. It's worse for DC with divorced parents.

I think you are romanticising the parts of your 20s you "lost" . Also glam and skinny years can also come later in life. All your friends will be tied to teen dc and you'll be off on outside school holidays holidays.

But the life of someone in their early 30s and someone in their 40s generally isn't very different at all? I'd get it more if you were early 20s, but a lot of people over 30 are settled with children.

I agree with PP that it's likely more a lifestyle/relationship issue than an age one.

I do sort of understand because when I was in my 20s I worked in the kind of job where people were young and lively and out all the time, and sometimes I miss those days (now I'm in my 30s and have a child), but I am also aware that actually a lot of the people I worked with are now married with kids and so those nights out are filled with the younger crowd.

Some industries do tend to attract a more 'partying' crowd and I'm guessing you worked in one of these? Sales/recruitment/finance etc. Is there a reason a lot of the people you worked with are still living like they're in their early 20s? Because I feel like a lot of people wouldn't look on that with admiration, but more that it's a bit sad?

can you please elaborate on the point you are making?

because it sounds like because the husband works outside the home and OP is ‘only’ at home, looking after two preschoolers- you think OP should never have any free time for herself to exercise and maintain friendships?

Why is he a skivvy? He’s the one who wanted a trophy wife to stay home and raise his kids so he can be Mr big bollocks.

Shoulda woulda coulda. There's a point we all think about what would happen if life was different. You could be single, with no job, no kids and aimless in life. Who's to say the life you have now isn't the best life you could have?

I think you need to carve out "you" in the life you have, either via a different type of work, or study, and via new hobbies. You need to be thankful for what you do have.

Shoulda woulda coulda. There's a point we all think about what would happen if life was different. You could be single, with no job, no kids and aimless in life. Who's to say the life you have now isn't the best life you could have?

I think you need to carve out "you" in the life you have, either via a different type of work, or study, and via new hobbies. You need to be thankful for what you do have.

You sound quite stuck in a rut.
There’s no reason you can’t lose weight, have a job, start a business etc
You might not be able to do exact same role but think about what you enjoyed. If it was getting glammed up and talking to people look for something that fits that.

Can you get it back? Was it passionate at the beginning?
It might be retrievable if you both want it but it sounds like neither of you are bothered.

You need to make a change. Either work on your marriage and get your own life or divorce him. Don’t stay in this boring existence ffs, you’re so young. Show your kids there is more to life.

Childcare isn’t evil, you can get a balance especially once they’re at school. If you stayed together and you wanted to work, you have options. Childminder, part time nanny for pick ups etc.

It sounds like you have a lovely life with lots of potential for change to find more fulfilment. You can't turn the clock back but look for opportunities now and do consider some childcare if needed. Realistically it's do this and make your marriage work or separate and go down that road of single parenthood, access visits, moving home and probably still childcare for your kids as you will need to work and will have a lot less choice .

And he’s the skivvy who pays for it all…

I think you’re looking at the past with huge rose tinted specs on

You're in control of your life. You're annoyed with your own choices and implicating your husband in your own possible mistakes. Give the guy a break, he's working hard to give you all a good life. If you're unhappy, work towards changing things.

Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it.

You love your DC, want to be sahm and use no childcare, have a wealthy hard working partner

But ALSO want a fulfilling career that would definitely require childcare, to date hot men your age, and be free and living the single life

Those things can't all happen at the same time

You do however sound bored as fuck. There are definitely things you can do about that.

Suggest you work out what you can compromise on. Maybe have counselling to unpick the real issues.

And remember the grass really isn't always greener, and comparison is the thief of joy.

Given you were only 25 when you stopped, you’d barely started anyway.

It’s not like you were 15 years into a legal career or something.

I think you’re making excuses for yourself - both the above, but also not wanting to use any childcare.

If you have a job there will be life beyond the four walls of your house and your family.

isn’t there money to throw at some of your problems?

for the massive workaholic he is- I would expect there to be enough in the pot for a Koru kids style nanny twice a week, a PT for you and a chance to do things that make you feel like a person and not a skivvy?