WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

You can be anything you want to be while you are healthy and in a relatively good place.. Life's full of ups, downs, choices and sacrifices. Live for the moment and try not to compare your life with what you think is other peoples. Their reality will be as equally happy and spiky as yours.

And if the reality of yours is too hard to be in then you need to make some difficult choices.

You've got the seven year itch OP.

The thing is OP, nothing can take you back to your 20s and the life you had then.

Even if you leave your husband and go back to work, you will still be in your 30s with 2 children to look after, and you will likely find a lot of the people you look at as living the dream of the early 20s life will likely start to settle down too.

All you can do is think about what could make you happier right now. Even if you put your children in nursery a couple of mornings a week as you're not ready to put them in for more time, you could use that time to go to the gym/run/go for a walk/meet a friend. Just some time to yourself to just be you again.

Do you have anyone local who can babysit for you? Maybe you could have an evening out with your husband where you get dressed up and just enjoy yourselves.

It is hard with young kids but the time does pass.

I changed careers several times last time I was 36. Career not just a job to pay the bills. You’re being defeatist. And children often see the example of a hard working mother and are more hard working themselves. Get a nanny and find another job. What’s your degree in ?

I voted YABU because everything you mentioned is fixable or will just naturally change with time. So:

• your marriage - talk to your DH, go to marriage counselling, work at it or, if things really are dead in the water and unsalvageable, separate. I know it feels unimaginable and awful right now, but it really won't be the end of the world.
• your weight - why are you two stone overweight? Is it pregnancy weight you didn't lose? Are you in the habit of grazing all day? Do you eat larger portions than you need? Do you live a sedentary life? I'm willing to bet that you know why you're overweight and also how to fix it.
• Your career - okay this one is trickier, but there are millions of working women out there and many of them juggle working with being parents. Maybe your old career isn't compatible with your new reality and you need to do something a bit different, but you haven't been out of the workplace that long and many workplaces have return to work schemes for women who have fallen out of employment as a result of motherhood. Give it some thought. Be open-minded about using skills you have and about what kind of opportunities exist locally or within a reasonable commute of where you live.
• Childcare - if this is the only thing holding you back I think you need to look at the various options. If you don't like the thought of nursery, what about a childminder or nanny? You and your DH clearly aren't short of money and you sound miserable. I honestly think you'd be happier if you were back at work, even if was just 2 or 3 days a week. You've lost your identity and you're stuck at home and lonely. Please give it some thought. Good childcare is actually good for children and it's certainly better than being stuck at home with a miserable mother!
• Big picture - it's true that you're quite young to be married with two kids, but one day you'll be free again to live a more carefree life and you'll be a lot younger than your friends who are taking longer to settle down. Even if you stay at home now, your kids won't need you forever. I know it feels like they will, but as a mother of teens I can tell you that life changes, kids grow up and one day you'll be able to dive back into a career, if that's what you want. They're only little for a few years. I'm glad I was around for my kids in the early years. I'm now 50 and back at work and having a great time, but you'll be much younger than me when you're in that position.

Based on OP's account, that's completely unfair.

Poor you, sounds terrible

Young kids are a hand grenade in even the strongest relationships. I’d look at a part time job or hobbies before you consider divorce.
My DH is 8yrs my senior, and I do notice the gap now we are 50/60ish as he has a few health issues…

Interesting that he can be the skivvy paying for everything so that OP can have a PT and feel less like one, as a PP suggested.

You can't do anything about the past.

The future is entirely in your control. Decide what you want and start working towards it.
You could use the years you are at home with children to study for something new, something fulfilling.

You know they will go off to school? I know it seems long Op but in the blink of an eye my kids went from being with the childminder to being at secondary school and walking home with friends and not needing me.

You need a life - you are a young woman with a brain - use it!

Put the kids in nursery a couple of days a week and do a part time job/voluntary work - something for you as you not as a wife or mother.

Join a club, make some more friends.

The grass is definitely not greener and your position is a very good one. Being 25, 2 stone thinner and living in London child free aren’t options now for you so concentrate on building something you are happy with.

Nobody forced anything. You made a choice. You can still make choices. You've chosen not to use childcare, but is that the best option? You can choose to start exercising. You can choose to get back into media, or retrain for something different.

At the moment you're all "Woe is me" as if you didn't have any agency to change things. Carrying on, unnecessarily blaming your husband, won't change anything or make you feel any better about yourself

Stop blaming others and do something about your situation!

Look - you need to separate things out.

Why are you so opposed to childcare? get a balanced life, work part time and your children can enjoy childcare.Otherwise they will go to school and you will be left with nothing to fill your time.

You get one life. Please don't give up any intellectual fulfilment just because your husband is rich.

Apart from anything else its sets a terrible example for your children.

I have always worked part time in a very fulfulling role - and I have seen plenty of my kids! they spent some time when little with an amazing childminder who was like part of the family - they have enjoyed school, they have enjoyed holiday clubs - and they have also had lots of time with me and their dad.

DOn't blame your husband becaus eyou have chosen a boring unfulfilled life!

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really

I think this is your issue, more so than DH. You don’t get to to have much of an adult life, except with him. Do you have hobbies? Do you have anything to talk about outside of house stuff and the kids? My DH and I sometimes get stuck in a rut WFH, then one of us goes into the office or on a work trip and we hike back with list of tights to talk about and it’s so love to have a laugh and adult conversation. I get wanting to be with your kids but if you’ve been working and looking after them a couple of days a week, I think you would appreciate the holidays more.

Sorry to pry…are you ever intimate with him?

the reality is when you marry someone 15 year older that of course they're mature they have more life experience than you, a more established career so it makes more sense (not actually) for you to be the one to take the hit and the things they have to take priority.

You have chosen a different path and comparison is the thief of joy. you dint have to live a 40 year old life. you a build a new career and life for yourself. do not spend your life regretting, go an claim the life you want.

You don't have to sacrifice your life for his goals, you didn't then and you definitely don't now.

Sounds to me like you are looking for permission to have an affair as you are bored.

You got to live the good life for a number years, imagine you somewhat looked down on your friends who didn't have a richer older guy like, and now that life doesnt do it for you anymore, you are having a bit of mid life crisis about it all.

What skills do you have and can you set up your own business? Doing something freelance?

And when you say you’ve lost passion, do you still laugh together, chat, have dates etc? Sometimes passion can go but love remains and I think if the love is there it’s easy to get the passion back!

The thing is you feel unfulfilled and I think you need something so it is a discussion to be had with your DH to find a compromise

You potentially have 60 years ahead of you. Perhaps you can't get your old career back, but you certainly can accomplish more than being an SAHM in those decades.

You could become a physician or nurse, a teacher, a writer or artist, a television producer, a landscape gardener or really anything. Time and money is on your side.

Having your children go to nursery for some hours a week is good for them and hardly the same as 40 hours a week in "childcare." Why not hit the gym and investigate university courses or other training opportunities? Many people would kill to have the options and resources that you do.

And mid-40s is hardly old, vis a vis your husband. Would you rather have some porn-addled young city worker?

Firstly I'd say stop looking back with regret. You didn't 'waste' those years, you've said yourself you had a great time living the life you wanted then. Besides whether you'd done that or been young free and single, it would only be a memory now, and memories aren't as important as now and the future.
I think you have two issues. Firstly, you are bored with your life. You are a smart woman with much to contribute to the 'out there' world, yet you're in a bubble of domesticity. You need a plan to get back out there. If not immediately, then as soon as is viable. Meanwhile use the time to work towards re entry of the job market with study, maybe part time or even voluntary work.
Secondly, you're married to a man who is out of step with you age wise. And unfortunately this will not improve as time passes. If the gaps showing now, it's only going to get bigger. So you need to have a big think about whether the pros outweigh the cons.
If you're committed to your marriage, my best advice is build a life you're happy to pursue independently with friends you can do things with when he starts complaining of being too tired or too old or not well enough (which often starts late 50s/60s).

na OP its not the age gap thats the problem! My husband is 48 and im 34 - we still live in london and we didn't settle down too soon or when i was too young - we travelled and did fun things for years and only just had kids recently.

I think you are very judgmental about nursery - thats a choice you made though to move house and be a SAHM - you didn't have to do that - you could have still lived nearer the city and had a job and used childcare!

You are only 30 as well so its not too late to start again!

My Husband just had a career change at 48.

Oh, we’re the same age and I also used to be in the media. I gave it up this year to go back to uni to work in healthcare. Maybe consider doing another degree when the kids are at school?

I can see why you’d feel older than everyone else our age. I don’t know anyone with kids yet and people mostly just seem to be getting to the point where careers are taking off etc. You def did it all a lot younger than most of the London Lot.

I think that you need to decide what is causing you the most unhappiness at the moment and look into ways to improve this.
I know that a lot of women can be heavier after having children. Then if your at home all day with kid's, doing all the housework and have no free time for yourself your probably eating more, snacking on biscuits sweets ect. Your eating because your unhappy and unhappy because your eating. Then it harder to get clothes if your bigger.
One of my friends was like you a few years ago. She was in a rut. She was heavy and eating to much chocolate ect. She joined slimming world and could still have some chocolate every day. She met a lady there who became a good friend. She joined a gym as well. She lost around 4 stone.

I think if you were eating better and lose some weight you feel better. I know that your husband earns a good wage but works long hours. You decided to be a sahm before your kids were born. I know woman that love been at home with small kids and other woman who are happier out at work even part time. It's not that they don't love or care for their kids but they are happier in themselves and enjoy using their brains, talents or having time with other adults. They also like having their own money for things.

I think if you moved to a new area and had kid's it hard when they are small especially if your husband works long hours. At the moment your in a bit of a rut and everyone seems to have a great life when you're stuck at home.
I think that you need to lose weight and perhaps join a gym to help with this and to tone up.

You mentioned that you can't get back into your previous type of employment as it London based, you need to work long hours and you lost your contacts there.

Would you consider doing some volunteer work like in a charity shop? One of my friends does this a day a week. She has sorted out clothes, steamed and tagged them. She learnt how to use a till, do end of day ect and deal with customers.
She met and made friends here.
Most of the people she works with would work a few hours a week and they have the flexibility to take time off for family or other commitments.
My friend is planning to use this experience to get into a part time paid retail work.

I think if you lose some weight and did some volunteer work it would help you feel better about yourself. If you want go back into employment even part time it would help in this regard as well.

You said that your husband works long hours and is he leaving you to do all the housework, child minding ect? Is he turning up say to the school Christmas concert or football match for his kids ect?
Do you and him go places as just a couple?
I know it hard for parents at the babies and small kids stage but it's important that your both communicating and putting child free time into your marriage.
I know couples that did this and had more free couple time as the kids got older and they did not resent each other either. There marriages lasted because they were willing to listen, make changes and were flexible when life did not always go according to plan.