WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

I agree with this. You've made a choice to be a SAHM because of your views on childcare. That's fine but you need to own the decision and take responsibility for your choices instead of blaming your husband for your unfulfilling life.

Is there reason you don't want to use childcare? Plenty people, myself included use nurseries snd childminders and have done for years and years and our children are no worse off than those that have been at home.

Okay so I'm a bit confused about the timing of everything but it sounds like you had children when you were 25/26 (so quite young) and that would make the children both under 4 (so still quite young).

I think it's quite normal for your relationship to go a bit flat when the children are young because you just don't have enough time for each other and you can't do as many romantic/fun things because children are always there. Maybe it's harder to accept this phase in life because your 20s felt like it was cut short.

When the children get older you'll be a bit more freed up to focus on a career? Also I don't think it matters what you "agreed" before you had children. Noone can anticipate how having children will affect you and change your life so don't be held to something you agreed to prechildren, you didn't have the full information.

I really don't think it has much to do with your DH's age at all.

Giving up work to be a SAHM to two small children is what has caused you to grow up faster, and thats a choice you made and one presumably you were happy to make, having selected a wealthy and suitable man to do so with.

The industry you were in is (if you're camera facing) a short term one for most people and for anyone, its only as good as your current contract, nothing is guaranteed and it moves on fast, so no matter when, or why, you stepped off the roundabout there, you'd have had the same issues in stepping back on again.

You have lots of opportunity that cash and time provide, to do something meaningful with your life - most women with small pre-school age children will feel tied and limited, that's pretty much what it says on the tin, you'd be daft to expect anything else.

If you don't love your husband, thats a seperate issue for you to resolve, but I wouldn't rush to blame not being in love with him for the emotions you're going through right now!

I'm sort of rolling my eyes at this.

You've got "Grass is greener"itis. It can be very serious.

Do you enjoy your life? If not change something. You don't have to throw away your marriage.

He's got money but I'm being shallow......

So, what do you actually want? Because I would think long and hard before you walk away from this set up.

You’ve got a good life, count your blessings, and stop yearning for your youth. It’s gone. 🤷‍♀️

if you own a home with swimming pool and tennis courts, perhaps you can organise parties for kids and mums and be charitable and experience life this way

Regrets are useless and you can't magically re-trace your steps and start over. Instead decide what would make you feel happier and more satisfied with life. It's easy to blame a partner when the excitement seems to have evaporated but is that really the issue, and, if it is, what do you want to do about it? Divorce is a possibility but you'll still have your children - you won't be free and unencumbered for years, so the party lifestyle isn't really a possibility anymore. And it sounds like it wasn't what you wanted anyway when you were in a place to pursue it?

Talking to a counsellor may help? I agree with others though about having some life of your own away from the children - it doesn't need to be a high powered career - part time role or voluntary work?

better men than who your dh ?i bet theyre not dont belive everything you see online

anyway noone forced yout have kids and marry it was your choice

I second that. My age gap was 12 years with my EXH and my part time job was my lifeline made me feel like I was ‘me’ again a couple of days a week. Mum friends (sorry if I offend anyone) can be so boring and I found that we had no fun or conversations that didn’t include the children. One question I have it what you do together without children do you have babysitters or anyone that can allow you to both go on a weekend away. I found that away from home we reminded ourselves why we gravitated to each other in the first place.

Oh for goodness sake OP, stop wallowing. You are acting like your life is over. You're only 30.

I took a 10 year break to raise my children from 31- 41 and started my own business from scratch, at age 42. I now employ 50 people. I had no experience of running a business previously, worked it all out myself. It was bloody hard work, but as a previous poster says, staying stagnant and miserable is just as hard. You will have to choose your hard.

Formulate a plan to address the things you are unhappy about and then take aciotn. The only person stopping you, is you.

There are lots of other things you could do.

What do you envisage you'll do when the kids start school?

I need to work to pay the mortgage but even if i didnt i wouldnt keep DC at home with me the whole time. They learn so much from going to nursery.

I think you need to revisit the childcare decision. Are you sure you haven't got yourself stuck in a "we don't want to use any childcare" position that you agreed to before you'd even had children, and didn't fully understand the implications of it for you, and now find it difficult to retract?

Being a SAHM isn't for everyone. You sound bored and unfulfilled. It may be true that you can't return to your previous career, but I'm sure you can find something that will make you feel more fulfilled than you do now. You're at a huge advantage compared to many because it sounds like you'll be able to afford to retrain. Have a think about what you'd like to do.

I think that if you had a more rewarding life you might feel differently about your marriage and the decisions you've made along the way.

Do you ever go out just you and DH and do something adulty and fun? Like going clubbing, or go Karting, or a bar crawl or cookery classes etc.

I am a "housewife" and tbh most of the time it's completely miserable (but then again I have crippling anxiety and OCPD so being out and about living a fancy free life is not an option). I spend waves of time feeling negatively towards my husband probably because I've not really got much else in my life and he's an easy target for my misery, but it's not him, it's me.

Sometimes I absolutely adore the bones of the man and a reality check hits me that I could never and wouldn't ever want to live without him. What I've noticed though is that whenever we go out and fully do something just him and me, not the kids, we seem to reset our relationship (me more than him, he adores me pretty much all the time anyway) and we spend weeks just being really nice and respectful and kind to each other and everything just feels nice again. It lifts a bit of the cloud for me and in turn I'm nicer and he's more considerate etc. If your husband spends long hours at work, and you get resentful at home, neither of you are doing anything specifically for your relationship. You end up feeling alone, and then resentful and jealous of others and trapped, and so on.

Take a deep breath, list all the positive things in your life (and there seem to be plenty) and then look at what you want to change that can be changed.

You can go on a diet if you think that will help you to feel better about yourself, you can start to research alternative careers and put in place steps to get there and you can invest some time and energy into your marriage.

At 30 I had a toddler and a baby and no career to speak of. I was a SAHM until the youngest went to school and then took part time work to fit in with school hours. That led me to understand what career I really wanted so I retrained and went full time when the kids were teenagers. I loved every different stage of that for different reasons. There are loads of different ways to do life, it doesn’t have to be the cookie cutter life you see on SM.

Talk to your DH about what you’d like to do to work towards having a career at some point (courses, work experience etc) and find a way together to make that happen. Make the most of the time you have now with the children and remind yourself that this stage won’t last forever. Be proactive in your own life and work as a team with your DH to make joint goals.

It’s also worth remembering that if you have your DC young, you will still be relatively young and fit when they leave home. Our youngest went to uni when we were late forties and we’ve been loving the freedom and opportunities that brings ever since. We’ve also got more disposable income than we had in our twenties to enjoy it!

A long career in media and TV is not all it’s cracked up to be. Excessively long hours, horribly competetive and there is very little TV work out there anyway. My friends who are still in TV (I escaped to do a much less glam job, which I love) are on their knees right now.

I’m interested in why you have ruled out childcare? Given your financial situation, you could afford a nanny, so you’d hardly be ‘sticking them in nursery’ (bit of a pejorative way to describe something most parents have no choice but to do!). I get the feeling you’re putting barriers in your own path. You’ve headed off every possible suggestion anyone could make with reasons you ‘can’t’ do it. The truth is, you absolutely could get a lovely nanny, retrain or work from home with no pressure to be a breadwinner (with media experience you could do copywriting or producing content for influencers, or do something totally different). I don’t mean this in a cruel way, but I feel like you maybe wanted validation that your life sounds amazing as it is. Which it may be, but you’re not happy in it. And you have the means to change that. So go for it!

You’re only 30… surely after the kids are a bit more grown up and independent, you can leave your husband and find a more fulfilling relationship with someone younger? You’d still only be in your 40s!

Try not to get down about it, your time will come 😊

What makes those men better, and not just younger?

Can you pivot - Communications jobs in local government are not too badly paid, and are likely to offer some flexibility while raising your children.

I'm afraid I also agree with this and that you are being a bit of a martyr.

I also dont understand what you mean about living as if you are in your 40s.

There really isnt a huge difference between 30 and 40 in terms of lifestyle.

I would actually say there is a much bigger difference between 20 and 30. It's not like on the cusp of your 40th birthday you are suddenly banned from going out or having fun. I think you need to start taking responsibility for your choices and if you dont like them then make different ones. None of us can travel back in time to our 20s, not even your friends so instead of dwelling on it, look at what you can do to bring more joy/fulfilment into your life.

Excellent post. Sorry to hear you have been unwell.

Are you still having sex?
I always think that when that goes away, a relationship is in big trouble.

I think you need to go back to work and stop being just mom and wife. See some different faces during your day, go out for work drinks once in a while etc. And
maintain your relationship with your husband… Of course you can’t do the same things as you use to pre kids but go out for dinner once in a while, like you did before, maybe fav restaurant in London? Do some fun things for yourselves! I am in exact scenario as you although I’m currently pregnant and I said it all the way… I am going back to work. Yes I am a wife and I’ll be a mom soon but I’m also my own person, I still want to have career, see clients, talk to people about current affairs, business and so on….
If you have a good husband who is a good to you and your children, he is kind etc. Hold on to him ! Grass is not always greener!

It’s a bit mad to refuse to consider any form of childcare whatsoever. What do you think is better for kids, a happy mother who has something fulfilling to do (whatever it is) while they are at nursery/childminder, or one who is bored out of her mind? It’s in their interests as well as yours that you are happy!

also you are massively looking back at media/TV work with rose tinted glasses. I work in media, used to work in TV and I don’t know anyone who isn’t deeply depressed, desperate to get out and earning less than they did 15 years ago. You should definitely consider getting back into work, but open your mind to other options.

But you are in your 30s, you arent early 20s. I dont have an age gap relationship and I certainly didnt live the exact same lifestyle at age 30 that I did at age 22! Nor did any of my friends.

At age 22 for example, I was out clubbing at least 4 nights a week, a complete social butterfly, and going to work hungover most of the time.

By age 30, I didnt have children yet but I had a much more responsible job that couldnt allow the hedonism I enjoyed when I had just left uni. Plus the fact that clubbing in your 30s make you feel quite old since the age group doing that is usually 18-25 ish

I am a bit confused as to what you think a 30 year old should be doing because looking after young kids doesnt sound like someone living "in their 40s" to me 🤷‍♀️