WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

It's difficult to know how to help you, as you seem to have ruled quite a lot of things out.

I would imagine people get into TV and media at all kinds of ages if they really work at it - but you don't consider it possible or worth trying to get back into that.

You also don't seem open to any other form of career.

You have made a decision to reject all forms of childcare, which obviously makes work difficult (though still not impossible).

But basically you seem to have ruled out working.

Therefore I am not sure you have much option other than to stay with your husband, even though you don't seem too keen on him.

You could try to meet another man who would be willing to financially support you I suppose. But it's a bit of a risk.

You could ask your husband if he would be willing to open up the relationship? If he is as bored as you he might, and that would at least provide you with some excitement.

Personally I would hate not to be working, and to be totally reliant on another person. But presumably you are ok with it, as you are actively choosing it in fact?

So I think an open relationship is your only option really. Or find a diverting hobby which fulfills you in other ways.....

I do blame her husband he got a dolly bird twenty year old when he was halfway through his thirties.And now he's kept her from working to raise their children, and he's in control of all the money.What is she getting out of this

Thanks, on the mend now! Accepted my fate and well on the way to being a crazy cat lady and the 'cool' auntie. (Hopefully)

‘My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare‘

You can put your kids in childcare and they can still mean everything to you. It’s not mutually exclusive.

Agree.

How old are the kids? We have the same age gap and we have young kids. Sex is very infrequent at the moment!

There are a lot of words and yet I am still unsure what you are unahappy about.

Lack of love in the relationship?
Missed career?
Boredom?
Or simply not being the object of male attention anymore?

Life is too short to waste it on someone you're not in love with - leave and find true happiness. When I was 30, I definitely wouldn't have wanted to be married to a man so much older and live that lifestyle.

Okay, but you could try to a different industry?

Open university course
Volunteering
Part time job
Start a business

You need something to do something with your life that isnt just being a Mum or a wife.

You're bored. Don't lay the blame at your husband's door. Put the DC in childcare and retrain for a career doing something worthwhile. Stop dwelling on the past and what could have been.

I’ve been moping all day feeling sorry for myself, and was questioning whether I am just being ungrateful for what I have.

the answer is a lot clearer for you though- defo ungrateful .

You can’t have it all your way. You have a great life. Grass is not greener on the other side.

Interested to know whether you think there's some element of control of the relationship - did you really both want to move to the country and for you to be a SAHM with no childcare, it have you been influenced by his decisions? Does he want you to be there all the time?

I have quite a few friends in TV who either gave up production jobs when the kids were little and then went back either retraining in post production or research which are more family friendly hours wise or who got nannies.

I do think your attitude to childcare is a bit odd and isn't helping your isolation

We could all wallow about in wondering about the road not travelled! Put in what you want out of your marriage. Get off your backside and loose the weight, shift your mood and be a better partner. Find your passions again .

This. You need to find two things as I see it - a social life with friends (nothing wrong with 'Mum' friends - I have plenty of those and we go camping with the kids, partying without the kids, glamorous weekends away, not-so-glamorous country walks) and a career. It doesn't have to be your previous career, although I wouldn't completely give up on that. You're only 30, you can retrain, or start with a local part-time job and build up from that. You need to move away from the idea that childcare is a bad thing. We all use it, most of us use it full-time. It's perfectly fine. You sound bored and unfulfilled, which is completely normal. I hated being a SAHM for the short time I did it.

I don’t think his age has anything to do with it. You
sound stuck in a rut and seem to blame your husband for that - only you can say if that’s fair or not.

I would look askance at a man who started a relationship with a woman two years out of university when he was halfway through his thirties.

The woman hasn't been through the developmental milestones of her twenties, and it just feels inappropriate and predatory

This is the very reason you are where you are because you are too young for him.And he probably knew that I bet he couldn't believe his luck. He had his twenties without being shackled with kids and responsibilities.

It will only worsen as you age, and you ll possibly end up being a nurse maid to him.

You won't be perimenopausal, by the time you re in your late thirties or early forties, either. Women seem to be diagnosing themselves younger and younger, but it's truly rare under the age of about fifty. And my friend, who is a consultant endocrinologist, told me that.

I hate how women are chomping at the bit to be considered menopausal younger and younger. You're really not perimenopausal in your late thirties.

You say he adores you - massive plus. He'll be more likely to listen to your needs/wants.
You are still young and already have your children - massive plus. Many possible working/studying years ahead of you. You have young children at an age where you have the energy for them.
You are very comfortable financially - massive plus. You can take your time to establish a new career.
There's no passion - this needs work. You are in a good position to initiate change in this area. He'll love you for it and hopefully take your lead. If this doesn't happen, talk to him.
You are unhappy with your weight - you are in an excellent position to throw money at this - but you need to make the effort too.
It feels like you can't be bothered to make an effort, and are blaming your husbands age for everything.
Meanwhile, he's working very hard for a family you say he adores (I'm not suggesting he's perfect, or hasn't let his priorities become skewed).
Your friends lives will change. Some will be very envious of you right now, and more so as their freedom is curbed in the next few years.
I hope you can start to recognise the positives in your position and things work out well for your family.

I've already said this in another thread and had weird comments about doctors and soldiers 😂 but I will always say this on threads like this (and I'm not up for having an argument/discussion). Our brains don't fully develop till we're 25, and in any big age gap relationship where there's already an imbalance of power (often older men, younger women),the older person wanting a relationship with someone in their late teens/early 20s is problematic and predatory.

@Abcdefghno if you're not happy in a relationship, you're entitled to leave. It's not always easy, but it sounds like financially you're in a good position? And I guarantee it will be harder in 10 years when you're 40 and he's 55. Lots of women think 'oh I'll wait till the kids are older', but by that point they're ground down even more and perimenopausal or in menopause, so less likely to be able to go out and enjoy life. (Though I say that as a perimenopausal woman who is definitely enjoying life!)

None of what you're experiencing is surprising. It's one of the reasons there is a a fair amount of cultural scepticism about large age gaps, especially if the young person is still in the flush of youth.

But you can't remake the past. Stop focusing on what might of been. It's a fantasy that can ruin your appreciation of your current life and stop you moving forward in a different direction.

Start thinking about what is the best life you can make for yourself. You're still young. I would suggest, especially with a DH you don't think is in love with you, that you strongly consider including building a career as a priority. Go to the gym/start hiking/whatever works for you, and get yourself strong, fit and feeling good about your body. Ensure your contraception is rock solid. Your kids, or at least one, are likely about starting schools now, and that's going to start freeing up some time. Use that time wisely to put things in place that will build a better life for you.

There’s a 6 year age gap between me and DP and that’s more than big enough….15 years would be too big for me …..especially as you get older

OP I don't think you have wasted your years whatsoever, and perhaps you'd benefit from some counselling to stop comparing yourself to others. I always used to say my life would've been better if I'd done this or that. A counsellor made it very clear, that life could've been different, not necessarily 'better'.

I was 24 when DP (27 at the time) had DD. Not through choice, we'd been together 11 months and DD just turned up. Wouldn't change things now but it wasn't what we wanted at the time.

And yes, it does mean you grow up quicker, and you're out of step with your friends etc. Had DD not shown up, then I'd have felt able to take more risks, and probably been earning more now as a result, rather than having always taken the safe job. And yes, me and DP would have been able to go on more adventures, been a bit wilder before we settled down.

DD is turning 18 next week, and the benefits of having had her early are really showing themselves now. Me and DP have our freedom again, and we've got the money and the energy to really enjoy it. I watch my friends running after toddlers in their late 30's and early 40's, and think thank fuck that's not me.

The difference between you and me though @Abcdefghno , is that me and DD are at the same stage. You're not, and you won't be when your kids get to their late teens. You'll be wanting to make up for the time you've lost, whereas your husband will likely be wanting to start to slow down. Couple that with the fact that you don't really love him, and that doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for happiness. I don't know what the answer is here, but if you've got this "perfect" life and you're still not happy, then things aren't likely to improve for you without changing something up massively.

It's often an unpopular viewpoint, but I am dead against massive age gap relationships
Especially where the woman is very young.

You had not yet been through the developmental milestones of your twenties.And you found a man half way through his thirties and settled down and had kids. No wonder you feel you're missing out.

Ive also well established my career. No way would I have neglected my own life and career plans.

I'm with a man my own age. I'm only in my late thirties. But for me, a man well into his forties and fifties would just seem too old. I've never like dating anyone any more than about five years older than me.

I loved messing around throughout my twenties with guys the same age living a young, twenty, something life. Yes, the men were immature, but so was I.

I wouldn't have wanted to live a mid thirties lifestyle when I was only 20.

But some women could be happy with what you have, and the real issue is, you are not and you don't love your husband any more.

If you split from him, you ll probably have to go back to work. I guess the plus point is that once your youngest is about ten, you'll only be in your mid thirties. You'll have some kind of life back but it won't be the same.You'll be a divorcee with two kids.

I don't know what the answer is.As you literally can't have time back. Try to ignore what might have been and focus on what you want now. What is that?

A few things:

1. Life with small children is extremely boring. Everyone questions their life choices when they're running after a toddler and are tied to a 7 pm bedtime for what feels like infinity.

1. Some childcare is ok. If he is a high earner, get a part time nanny and use the free time to study or find yourself. My son's nanny is a wonderful human being. She does a better job than me!!
2. Be grateful for what you have. As I say, life with small kids is boring. God knows that in the first year of my DC's lives in thought about leaving or killing DH daily.