WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

It’s an ideal time now, to work towards gaining some new skills or education to help you with a new career once your youngest is in school. Put the children in a morning pre-school for three hours so that you can do that. They will benefit from socialisation.
If you want to lose weight to regain your confidence, make a plan to do that too. Don’t waste this precious time of your life in regret. We all have periods of regret and disappointment but we have to keep moving forward somehow. You sound a little bit depressed and in a rut …and maybe you need to act to regain a positive sense of yourself.
Once you have a new dimension to your life, you might find your marriage shifting into a new gear.

If you have all this money and you’re unhappy with your body you could always have a “mummy makeover” surgery. I know someone who had this and I’ve had surgery before so I’m not against it. Stay off social media as it’s all BS. That’s probably why you’re unhappy. You’re comparing your life to something that isn’t real.

It's okay and not okay to feel this way.

1. About your mates, it would surprise you that many are wishing to have your kind of life, I'm been serious right now.
2. If there are no major issues in your marriage which I don't think there is any, it is really easy to bring life into things again.
3. I think you married right, movies have deceived many of us to think butterflies in the belly, raging emotions and the rest of all that unsustainable nonsense are the things that make marriage sweet and last. I disagree.

1. I think it's normal to add a little more weight after children, but if it makes you really unsettled, work on it, diet, light exercises?
2. Gradually change schedules around your home to accommodate spontaneous activities between you 2.
3. Have sex more often.
4. Openly acknowledge & appreciate him to his face, in front of the children, when it's just 2 of you. Don't only appreciate him in your mind, compliment him, appreciate him to his face, it helps your mind when you hear yourself say it.
5. Learn new skills, new hobbies maybe?

Overall, I wish you well. Enjoy your marriage, enjoy your husband.

The grass is not greener. You have an awful lot to be thankful for. The life of a single woman and the dating scene is not like an episode of Sex and the City at all; it can be really grim. Your life would sound like heaven to some people.

Same gap between DH and me. Married for 41 years now, when I was 22. It’s about compromise and adapting as you go along. So you agreed you would be a sahm, it’s not working out for you. It didn’t for me. I was so bored playing action man and Lego that I took to taking DC swimming every day just to get out. I found a little pt job that was a little more fulfilling until DC went to school then I found something else. It may not have been exactly what I wanted but I compromised. Then when DC was old enough to come home to an empty house I did another job that was closer to what I wanted to do. Like you I moved away from my friends but I made new ones and I never envied any of them because we were at different stages. Something I read on here a lot: comparison is the thief of joy and in your case I think it rings true.

I'm married to someone with a much bigger age gap than that and it just works. We also have youngish children ....... I applaud you for wanting to stay at home with children. I did this too but always intended to find some work once the children were in school. However life didn't quite work that way.
FWIW I've got a chronic illness which has a bigger impact on our life than my DHs age. I don't have to worry about finances too much (can't work) but would like to have a purpose in life......it maybe that you need to find a new passion that can fit around the children but gives you an outlet for you. Could you look at some sort of studying, adult classes, volunteering.......

What is the sex like, OP?

Be careful what you wish for.

The grass more often than not is not greener on the other side.
You do sound quite self-centered and naive.

You could just as easily be here bemoaning your lot that your hoped for career didn't pan out, you can't afford to keep living in London on the admin salary you got when having to scrape together enough money for a room during covid and haven't been able to get a decent job offer since - and now the young/fit/whatever bloke you've been seeing has told you that what you bring to the table in terms of lifestyle, money or aspiration isn't adequate for a man in his 'position' and has taken up with a recent graduate.

You had fun, you met somebody who loved you, wanted to marry you, wanted children with you, supports you financially and you are secure.

I get that secure doesn't give the same adrenaline rush as risky, does-he-love-me, will-he-call, never mind, here's another one to sneak around with, drinking/substances/financial instability/avoiding bailiffs/whatever, but the problem is that you are bored because you don't do anything for personal intellectual stimulation and you don't feel 'seen' as you would have been in your early twenties.

Get a job. It's not as though you're being forced to by the jobcentre as a condition of receiving just enough money to keep you in a crappy flat with mould on the back wall, you can pick stuff and stay or go if you don't like something. You'll get adults to talk to, you'll be out without little ones constantly on at you, you'll have something else to think about and maybe talk about and it'll make you more interesting as a person now.

No reason why you can't also look at eating healthier and getting exercise in a more social setting as well - gym, swimming, dance, running, kickboxing, whatever. Another time to be you and not Mummy.

You can't turn back time - keeping on about what could have been if you hadn't settled for a wealthy, attractive man who loved/loves you is as pointless as keeping on about the fact that if it hadn't been for Covid, you'd be able to be traded in for a new, fresh model in TV now instead of - and this is where the quiet bit is said out loud - not being stuck with two kids.

I have a 10 year gap. my DH is retired now and I'm still working, and very glad to be out and about in the labour force.

You sound bored. Marriage is hard work. I’d look at dating each other again so you’re not just mummy. Have some fun and go out and get some hobbies. Maybe even working part time would help. You need some things for you op. I wouldn’t compare to others noone’s life is perfect.

I would just go back to work, that's the best way to build your self esteem in my view.

I get where you're coming from. DH is 9 years older them me and when I was in my 20s and 30s the age gap didnt matter. Years down the line he's 70 and I'm 61 and I feel the age difference, I'm forever keeping an eye on him when he sleeps after dinner. A couple of times I've been very worried but he's fine.

The grass isn't always greener OP.

The alternative is leaving the marriage and becoming a single mum. I’m a single mum (28). From my experience, dating is much harder as a single mother. I was slim and attractive in my late teens/early twenties, men used to fall at my feet.

I’m still somewhat attractive but having children definitley puts many men off. I once tested it out. On one dating app I ticked ‘has children’, the other I left it blank. On the one which didn’t show I had children, I got hundreds of likes, the one which showed I had children, I got very few.

I have given up on it now and happy staying single. If you’re hoping that you will leave DH and will have a carefree life like your single, childfree friends your age, you may be in for a big surprise. Some of my friends who are single and childfree at my age have opened up about their worries about finding someone soon to settle down with and start a family.

Could you look into part time work once your youngest is in nursery/school? It will get you out the house and may help. I used to be a sahm and looking back I really do miss it.

Also, it’s extremely ageist and patronising to say “the life of a 40 year old” as if 40 year old women are all sitting at home knitting yoghurt. I was excelling in my career, travelling the world and learning to powerlift when I was 40.

You are living the life of a SAHM with small kids. That can be dull at any age. You need to take control, get yourself a job and career you enjoy and get on with making a life for yourself. Your H sounds like he loves you and will support you.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Your single friends might even be envying you as they face another nightmare commute through the London rush hour only to have to deal with creepy Barry from accounts.

I have a far, far bigger age gap in my marriage and it is not the defining aspect of our lives.

Get childcare and go get your life back.

Exactly. I'm going to be brutally honest, I can't stand the extreme smugness some people have that have the option of being able to stay at home and not use childcare that they somehow love their kids more and they mean more to them.

However the rest of us mere mortals who do have to go and work, don't love our kids any less nor do they mean less just because we have to use childcare. It's far better to have a happier, more balanced mum who works than a resentful, miserable one at home.

You need to go back to work. Maybe not your old career, maybe a new one. But you need to.

Of course you are not fulfilled. Your life has completely shrunk to just being a mother and home-maker. That isn’t enough for most people. You have to nothing that’s just for you, for your sanity, self-esteem, self-worth. There are many more reasons to work than money.

I had my kids in my late 20’s but I have never felt like you do. But I continued to work (despite not financially needing to), I continued to socialise with my friends on the weekends, continued to go clubbing, go on girls trips abroad. I refused to lose myself despite having children, adoring them, and wanting to be with them all the time.

I’m sure once you start getting out there a bit more, you will start to feel more like your old self.

When you say 'I have a great life with DH,' you are lying to yourself since all you can name are material things, then progress to saying how unfulfilled you are.

Is a great life all about holidays and cars? It isn't. and you recognise it now.

It would be mean and shallow to ship out because he is getting older when it was plain this would be unavoidable, but at the same time, quality of life is important and it sounds as if he needs to back off with being a workaholic and bring some quality to the marriage.

And you are still so young that you can lose that extra weight and start doing something to make you more fulfilled. That fulfilment doesn't need to come from work.

I'd sit and have an honest talk with him but avoid blame. Just say you love everything he does and is, that he works hard for you all and you know he adores you. But you would like to spend more quality time together, as well as start developing something for yourself (and losing the weight).

I am 60 and I was around 8st for all my life till menopause. Lately, I'd reached 11st and felt appalling. So, I have changed my diet and joined a large outdoorsy group where every Saturday, exercise takes up the whole day and I have shed most of the extra weight and feel amazing. I do not like having to avoid all the snacks that made me balloon out but I have to.

You can do it; it isn't irretrievable. X

I'm 39 and living the same life I was at 30 only we have more kids and more money. I don't really understand your problem tbh and think YABU. Your friends are probably envious of your stable marriage and comfortable lifestyle. I suspect your marriage wont last because you sound as though you feel like you deserve better, although I can't imagine what that might be. In 15 years you'll be 45 married to a 60 year old. Don't waste anymore of your DH time if that isn't what you want. Let him find a woman who appreciates him!

Do you mean you're not 'in love' with each other or you don't really love each other anymore? The in love/honeymoon phase fades out for most relationships, it would be unrealistic to expect anything else not to mention exhausting but the marriage should settle into a loving state i.e. you love each other and still have good times but some of the novelty and sparkle has worn off. Perfectly natural. You have to work at keeping the relationship alive and that's harder with young DC.

Have a really long hard think about what you would like to do in the future - your old life and career may not be an option for you anymore but you can still have a career. What fulfills you? Are you creative? Work out what you want to work towards and start doing it! Maybe start a course you can do from home when the kids go to bed?

I know your children are your world right now and I don’t judge you for that but try to maintain some form of self/ identity separate from them. They’ll be in school soon(ish)? Then they’ll be teenagers and won’t want to know you, they’ll eventually move out and be an independent adult. You want avoid your whole world being about your children and losing everything else that makes you, you or you might crumble.

This 5000 times over

It sounds like the issue is that you need to fall back in love again - totally doable with a bit of effort from both parties.

I can relate to how you feel right now OP as I’m a similar age to you and got married at a similar age as you did. I often long for that spark, or look at my friends with their lives in big cities and exciting careers and feel a pang of “could I have done that?” but ultimately I’d take my happy family every single time over any other option - I’m sure you probably feel similarly if it really comes down to it.

the spark can come back!!

I don’t think this is remotely about the age gap, it’s about you feeling generally displeased with the direction in which you’ve steered your life. It seems a bit unfair to blame your husband, even by way of his age, for your own choices. You can’t have it all ways, you chose to give up your career and to move out of London but you are also choosing not to go back to work and potentially find fulfilment in your life because you’re choosing not to entertain the idea of childcare. Despite what they say, we cannot have it all!