To be upset by school mums

I agree with this. I accept playdates but at this age sometimes I would think 'urgh, two hours making small talk then I'll need to invite them back'. It will be different in another year.

Yup this. I’m afraid this will happen on/off until your DD is old enough to see her friends without parent facilitating.

It doesn't mean you don't encourage friendships within your own friends circle.

Kids play together when you are meeting the parents for diner, or bbq or going to an event together. That's a completely normal dynamic.

You don't force yourself to host a playdate for a 5 yo with someone you have no interest in and nothing in common with. It doesn't mean you dislike the parent, but same with colleagues, you don't have to invite everyone in your house!

💯. It seems there’s nothing like being a school mum to make your ethics regress to those of a 7 year old.

Children should be allowed to choose their own friends.

Might also be that the mothers are friends and want to keep it all together themselves. I have seen this before.

Options:

They work and can’t do play dates
they have small houses and are embarrassed (so many threads about this)
they come from a culture that doesn’t encourage this sort of thing
etc etc.

Honestly there is nothing you can do. Stop asking. Tell your DD that the other families are too busy at the moment but to enjoy playing at school.

I have deflected my son’s requests for play dates sometimes, mostly because we are genuinely too busy but also sometimes because the kid can be a bit of a PITA with my own child and I just don’t have the energy.

WHO organise play dates with people they don't want to see?
Of course it's normal to stick with friends or people you are becoming friends with.

You see enough of the other parents at class parties and school events, you don't have to martyr yourself and be stuck with people you just don't click with.

You don't become friends with all your work colleagues, why should it be different?

Have you previously arranged things and cancelled last minute? There are a couple of school mums I swerve become of this….

There’s a child in my daughter’s class who continually pestered me for play dates - I didn’t have the heart to tell her my daughter didn’t actually want to go to her house or even like her much so I was forever making excuses. Are you sure this friendship is reciprocal?

There’s also parents I wouldn’t let have my daughter on play dates because I don’t trust their judgement- having a large and poorly behaved dog for example or constantly swearing. Especially when DD was only five.

They see each other all day in school anyway. Encourage your child to widen their friendship circle - could she join rainbows or beavers for example?

Sorry just seen your update. I really wouldn’t ask about play dates in front of the kids- makes everyone feel awkward!

sometimes mums prefer to organise the play dates based on their own preferences. There’s not much you can do except build your daughter up and encourage her to make friends inside and outside of school.
then secondary comes and friendships/meetups are out of parents control.

I wouldn’t ask in front of the kids, as that’s sad for all when their mums say no. It is horrible for your DD, but I’d stop asking as it sounds like they want to keep their friendship more a two-some as often kids get left out in trio’s (not saying that’s right or fair, but could be their thinking).

You do nothing. You try, the mum is not interested, fair enough.

You can invite the child to your girl's birthday party and see if she comes

surely they can rise above it for the sake of the kids?
why should they? There are enough things you need to manage for the sake of kids, being friendly with a random mum when the kids are only 5 is not one of them.

Thank god we can still chose our own friends and our kids friends when they are little, why make life more complicated than need be.

I have social anxiety & couldn’t cope with 1-on-1 play dates. Class parties are just about doable. Maybe it’s that and not a personal slight?

Maybe the children don't feel the same

IMy kids are in after school club every day due to my working hours then after that it’s a rush to get home, then homework anything other tasks etc and dinner - at weekends we catch up as a family, the kids do a couple of classes and time just flies.

I’m sure loads of others are in the same boat - it’s not a slight on you or your daughter - people are just much busier these days (at my school at least!)

DD had very few play dates when she was younger as I work full time and am studying as well and so I can’t reciprocate. I also feel embarrassed about my messy and cluttered home.

Now DD is older she often goes to a couple of friends’ houses and one of them often comes to us (the other friend hates going to anyone else’s house as she wants to be with her mum and her dog). The parents know that I’ll likely be studying and the girls (8/9) will be playing without close supervision.

Very rude and shitty of them imo. I simply can’t imagine Just blanking someone who is trying to arrange something nice for their kid. You’ll have to deal with this shit in various ways until your child is in secondary, but try not to take it personally, they just have bad manners

Are they meeting up outside of school? Are you sure their children want play dates with your daughter?

My 8 year old will only have two certain friends round- he just doesn’t want anyone else in his house even though he plays nicely with them at school. That’s just him. Could it be similar with these girls?

Some parents prioritise their own friendships first, and others want to control their DC's friendships.

I don't agree with either but that's life!

I’m not sure this is about excluding your child or you, just more likely they are busy and don’t want to do play dates, many mothers work, have busy lives and just don’t have the time.

Because now all mums lives revolve around play dates, if they are not interested they are not interested there could be a million reasons none of which may have anything to do with you, if you are this upset by this then start a life away from the school