To be upset by school mums

Can I say something by that might put this into perspective? My DD had two best friends for the first two years of primary, played together every single day, numerous play dates (not so much the three of them but one on one more so) etc etc. In P3, one day my DD came home and said ‘so and so isn’t playing with us anymore’ and that’s it…friendship over, one of the girls had just decided she didn’t want to play with them anymore. What I’m trying to say is friendships this young are fickle (to adults, obviously not to the children!) and in a few years you will have nothing to do with them, if they are still friends they will arrange things themselves. You will have put all that time energy and emotion into something that ultimately doesn’t matter. Let it be, don’t worry too much about it and absolutely try to encourage and nurture friendships out with school x

no one really stays for play dates beyond 5 surely?

thats not what the OP is suggesting.

the kids clearly are happy to play with each other but the mums are not wanting to for reasons unknown

all changes in secondary!

I think the difference is that the mum here is trying to help her daughter make friends with other children. School is a social setting where children can make friends with each other, but the two mums she is describing are opting out of that and exclusively arranging for their daughters to play together. So absolutely fine for these two mums to be friends with each other, OP is not trying to befriend the mums, she’s just trying to help her daughter see her friends outside of school.

@BuffaloBill15 nailed it i think

Are the other 2 mums friendly/friends?

2's company, 3 is a crowd and what if one of theirs becomes closer to your daughter and then one of theirs gets left out, afraid that's what it probably boils down to

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it if they’re ignoring their invitations. You’ll have to invite some other children round for play dates instead.

I'll be honest I arrange playdates on how much I like/get on with the parents... I would never stop either DSs from a playdate with someone but I do gently encourage... It makes my life easier. I appreciate there will be a time when I have less influence on them but at 8 and 4 I'll keep it up for now! I would never be rude or ignore a text though.

Funny how the "clique" accusation and insults only applies to school mums, everywhere it's perfectly normal to be more friendly with some people than others. You don't notice in in most settings, but suddenly people are miffed at the school gate?

I would nearly always decline play dates when my children were younger because I didn’t want to reciprocate.

I mean - nothing you can do to get these women to behave differently, that is. I agree with the others - by all means invite these girls to birthday parties etc which from five onwards are often drop off. Then encourage your dd to focus on other potential friends for after school activities.

There is always some story like this in primary school with mums. Honestly - there is no answer and nothing you can do about it, but you're not alone.

Don’t chase op just leave them to it. Maybe the mums are besties and want their kids to be, as they get older they will make their own choices. I knew some mums like this but as soon as a new mum appeared at the school one of them was pushed out. The playground is meant to be for kids but it doesn’t always seem that way. Encourage activities/clubs and other friendships. Life is too busy to worry about it.

We have some mums like that at school or they never reciprocate. Just encourage your child to befriend others too and try and arrange play dates there. You’ll find your tribe as will she :-)

How is your dd behaviour? I have a friend I really like and our dc like each other but I've started to avoid meeting because friends dc can be naughty and it impacts my dc behaviour and becomes a bit of a nightmare

This is Just another guess like eveyone else we don't really know. Sending hugs anyway it's not nice to be left out

Seems little point in speculating as to the reason they've decided they don't want to socialise with you and DD, as it could be anything. All you can do is accept this is not an option open to you and DD, and turn your attention to finding others that are. There will be..what..25-30..? other DCs and mums to forge friendships with so concentrate on them.
And try to keep perspective. In a few years, DDs friendships will form outside of anything to do with you, and what goes on at 5 will have little to no baring on her social future. What she needs is a variety of other DC to mix with to hone her social skills. Which DC matters less. She will form her lasting and meaningful friendships at a later stage.

The Best Advice!

I think you have tried and got nowhere with these clique mums and that is a hard fact of school life. But try not to let your DD see your disappointment, heartbreaking though it is. I wouldn't encourage close friendships with these two if the mothers are not on board because it is true that twos company and three is a crowd, she could end up feeling a bit left out and as the fall back friend.

It sounds like your DD has their friendship at school and they like her and that is a very good thing. So try to be content with that. It takes time to form friendships and they evolve and change as much as your DD will over the next year.

The best thing you can do now is to find alternatives.

1. an afterschool activity that she likes, as it takes the focus off schoollfie and gives her something else to keep her busy and to think about.
2. Maybe find some nice things to do after school with you.. A cafe/cake treat... collecting conkers whilst weather allows ( garden centres are great in the rain, esp if they have pets or aquarium fish)
3. Also look at other children in the class.. and set up some play dates with them. There will be some feeling exactly the same as you. Maybe, to take the pressure off house visits... find something you could do as a group... see 2) above and could gradually expand the number of children your DD socialises with.

Your DD will also be getting invited to birthday parties etc. So that will be nice for her. There is all the end of term excitement in the build up to Christmas.. so playdates will actually take a back seat. Just to warn you though... children, esp reception and year 1, get so tired towards the end of Christmas term...so be prepared for her being very hungry at pick up.. .a bit tired and emotional and she might really need some quiet time when she gets home from school... So try not to worry too much about playdates for the time being.

This happened a lot to my son where the mothers were friends. They did drop offs for each other two. I’d just assume it’s handier for them as opposed to them being bitches tbh. I also had to ignore the sorries of what everyone says above- maybe their kids honestly just didn’t really get on with mine and we’re lying to be nice, maybe they’d seen something in my parenting or family they didn’t click with etc.

Yeah so glad playdates weren't a think when my kids were small. I had enough going on without having to sit exchanging pleasantries with some mother I barely know at either their house or mine

However by the age of 6 it was normal to drop the kids off and collect them after. So that was done once in a while when it fell right for people's work schedules, family commitments etc

if you raise them well, even when they're teens and you have long stop facilitating anything, they still have friends you agree with, and still in the same friend circle you have yourself, that's the point.

not inviting someone is not "excluding' them.

Why the constant need for drama!

What a bizarre scamy post upthread. I have reported it.

........ no, but you shouldn't exclude a child either?? What an odd take. Doesn't sound like OP is desperate for these mums to like her. That's not the issue!

They sound weird. I wouldn’t stress. We kept play dates to an absolute minimum because time outside of school of which there was very little of was family time anyway. Do more activities with your child and prioritise quality time.

Your Dc will grow and develop friendships with others. It’s best to teach her now that not everyone is going to like you or want to be your friend and that’s ok. Shrug your shoulders and onwards and upwards.