To be upset by school mums

If they are good friends, they probably enjoy that their kids are best friends too. You and your DD are adding a third person so they probably feel threatened by you upsetting the status quo. It will all change as the girls get older anyway but it's horrible as it happens.

I have the exact same issue with my DD 6. We are in a small rural school, only 3girls in the class. My DD and one of the other girls get on very well but mum has no interest in meeting up or play dates. However, this mum is friendly with the mum of the other girl in the class and they seem to do play dates with each other.

I will say that the mum is very nice and pleasant to be around and when are DD are together they are like glue.

For me I feel sorry for my DD as my DS 8 has a large number of boys in his class and the kids / parents are very social with a lot of playdates and out of school meet ups.

Even without play dates outside of school your DD will be fine, she plays with them 5 days a week at school.

As parents we want to help our children but it’s not as necessary as we think.

If the other two girls meet up out of school and your DD finds out it’s a simple explanation that, the two mums are friends and you are not their friend.

The two mums could possibly be long time friends and they don’t want other people coming in and mixing up the vibe or dynamics.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this it’s absolutely horrible. Let’s not
make excuses for these 2 adults, they are well aware you’re trying to arrange a play date, and also aware they are not responding, which is not only rude, but insulting when all you’re trying to do is give the girls a nice time. You could either ask them outright if you’ve done something to
upset them, or not give them another chance and steer your child into other friendships outside of school.
The school playground can be a hive for weirdo parents that make no sense whatsoever!

I had similar where my daughter was in a 3, but I didn't like either of the other kids 🤣 I really clicked with a couple of different parents, so weekends we would do softplays, farms and the children would okay together lovely. By yr 1 (after 6 weeks of seeing the other friends regularly) my daughter almost forgot about the other 2 girls and was happy to see out weekend/holiday friends every day in school.
I would suggest finding a parent you can chat with and arrange pkay dates with them instead x

You can always say you're busy but could drop your child off? And then tell the mum that she's welcome to drop her child off when she has something to do?

For what it’s worth this goes away as they get older. Once they are at high school they organise their own social lives.
I would invite other dc on play dates for now, ones that might appreciate it.

I’ve been on both sides really but don’t take it personal. I do however ask only ask once then leave it up to them to ask as I hate being asked all the time. I did have one mum continuously ask me and we was genuinely busy, however found it strange she kept asking/saying the girls were best friends when it was the same girl my daughter was coming home crying about every day who wasn’t very nice to her. She was a bit confused when she was called into the school one day about it but still didn’t stop her from asking🤦🏽‍♀️ there is also some kids I really don’t mind her having over regularly but there’s others that have been a one and done because it has ended up awful🤣

Hi op,

Unfortunately you can’t force it. In my experience when parents don’t go ahead it is because kids don’t want though…so…maybe? Maybe it is because the girls have little time together and want to spend it together? You can hardly see wrong in this and yes that means your daughter can’t come. It is fair and normal…try and encourage her to befriend others, try to use her birthday party as an excuse to widen her circle from school or enlist her in an activity and put some effort there?

She will find her friend. Give her time.

Is there any other children that your daughter could invite for a play date. Letting the other two mums realise that you are not dependant on their approval!! It will also widen your daughter's friendship group. Playground politics are the worse thing. Don't take it personally some mums just think they are better than others( don't be drawn in to their games ) . Hope this helps xx

Ok but that’s not really a typical experience and not helpful to the OP is it? Most people DO have play dates and the OP wants her child to have them.

First post nails it.

I think this is the reason. But parents can’t control their children’s friendships for ever.

For me the distinction is that, as you rightly say, most adults would accept the fact that another adult/group of adults may or may not want to socialise with them. They might be hurt, but you can't win everyone over.

What is different in school situations - and which is a bit odd when you think about it - is that some parents prioritise THEIR relationship with the other other adult over what the child might want or enjoy doing most. This isn't a 'pile on' school mums but it is kind of a weird social phenomena IME. It's understandable in a way, especially if a parent has limited time off/limited maternity leave, that they'd prefer to spend time with an adult whose company they also enjoyed.

@Jam177 what I would say is that this can come back to bite people over time because in a few years children thrown together mostly because their parents liked hanging out are often no longer friends and then there are different issues. "Our kids have grown up together by little Billy wasn't invited to X's birthday party, can I tell my friend I'm hurt?!"

Perhaps the other girls don't want to meet up with your DD. Maybe they are your daughters best friends but she isn't theirs - if that makes sense. I had similar with my son, he had a really good friend who he played with at school and they had regular playdates outside of school. DS met up with other children but there were also a few children where he wasn't keen to meet up, due to minor fallings out or other issues. I'm not saying your DD has done anything wrong, but I wouldn't blame the mums if their DD doesn't want a playdate. Help her to build other friendships.

Its one of the hardest things being a mum imo, trying to facilitate their friendships. I'm fairly antisocial and I've found it exhausting but I've done it for her sake. I know other parents don't and that's entirely their prerogative but it doesn't make it any easier when your wee one is desperate to have their friend round or to see them at the park. Then you get all the shifting sands and being excluded and all kinds of other things. It's hard. Especially as there is much less just 'going out to play'.

All you can do is take every opportunity for her to make friends in as many different settings as possible, especially at this age where its much easier. But actually one of my daughter's strongest friendships is one I didn't facilitate, it's a girl who lives on our street and is a bit older than her. They just randomly started talking to each other on the street or something about two or three years ago and I've just left them to it. So don't be afraid of little age gap friendships either.

Are you inviting the girls over without the mums? Because honestly, I can’t be arsed with small talk with other school mums, I stick only to my friends, or wait for play dates when they’re old enough to go on their own, which at 5 they probably aren’t if you aren’t close. I wouldn’t take it personally. Some people just don’t like to hang out with people they don’t know well.

It is best not to ask for anything, ever. Either in person or via a messenger. It is quite rude to ask. Wait till you are invited. Saves a lot of awkwardness.

How compassionate of you

my daughters best friends mum was like this, its v painful when your own child asks more than the other family seem to be up for.

I just reiterate as others have said, try not to take it personally and keep offering !(that's what I did) - also focus on other kids.

as the children get older they will make their own plans

Please dont ask in front of the kids. It puts the parents in a really difficult spot and you don't know what's going on in their lives. It isnt fair to the parent and to be honest if you are doing that I can see why they maybe dont want to get involved. There's nothing worse than parent asking in front of the kids and then having to say no and upsetting your child.

4 kids in here.
yep have seen this many a time.

firstly - I would be careful with a trio in a friendship, 3 can be tricky.
I would ensure your daughter has plenty of friends - join a sport or club outside of school, etc to ensure this.

offer play dates to other kids- try encourage your daughter to play with a wider group, maybe worth asking school / teacher to help put her into a few different groupings for various school things to reduce your daughters reliance on the two girls.

right now the play dates are not going to happen, who knows why… my friend s mum has severe dementia and she s her PoA is full time at home but busy with this and volunteer work and it s incredibly stressful, but not something she s going to discuss at the school gate with her kids friends parents.
so I guess you may never know why play dates are not returned, but the kids will level themselves out. You can help your daughter have a rounded social group and plenty of self confidence outside of all of this without worrying about why she s not going to play dates at a certain persons house.

Over the years I have found this just happens with some people.

People are wierd! they can be hard to read and sometimes they are different to us and we can't work it out.

I am very friendly and sociable and pretty confident but I have found myself really knocked by this kind of thing. As you say, it is not for you is it! It's for the child.

However, perhaps I have also been guilty of preferring playdates with children where I get on with the parents. not saying I've ever thought about it but there probably is a bias.

I was glad when primary ended tbh and I could stop worrying about this stuff.

Yes this would upset me too if my DS wanted a playdate and the invites kept getting declined (he's the same age). Even just an hour in the park! You'd think they'd want to do it for their kids sake. They get to have some fun with their friend and it's easy entertainment for us!

Suspect some on here would be staying with 12 ywar olds