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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding needs a gritty reboot

181 replies

RightOrAMeringue · 31/10/2025 11:25

Currently bf’ing DC2 who’s 11w old. It’s going fine, but it was still nippy/exhausting/difficult/annoying while I was getting into it again. I don’t think it was physically any easier than DC1, just I knew what to expect and didn’t over-analyse things this time. But, inevitably, the old algorithms have thrown up a lot of bf’ing kool aid, telling me (I didn’t ask) about how wonderful it is and how it absolutely is not to blame for sleep problems/PPD/anxiety/exhaustion etc etc. There’s always a footnote just to remind you that IF it is painful/not working/you hate it, it’s defo a you-problem and to “reach out”. To who is always vague, and usually will involve money.

AIBU to suggest we sack all the woo/ crunchy mama content and call it what it is: metal af? None of this “it’s best for your baby”; like, b*tch, we know. Someone not bf’ing their kid is not usually based on total ignorance, and to suggest as much is just internalised misogyny. Bf’ing is hard, it’s messy, it’s visceral, it’s a new skill your body is learning to do when it’s just been put through the wringer….can we just tell people that? So that when they inevitably get to that point where they’re hunched over a tiny crying baby at 3am, drenched in sweat, trying to put a nipple into their mouth even though it feels like 1000 papercuts when they do because they love their baby more than life itself…they can go “oh yeah, I was told about this”. Not “that smug influencer never mentioned this” or “I’m doing it wrong”.

The nhs needs to hire someone who can make some content depicting the reality of breastfeeding (with a good soundtrack, maybe Slipknot/ similar), and trust that women won’t be put off like they’re flaky children. They won’t be. People do hard things all the time - run marathons, physio, academic stuff, growing an actual human being and birthing it, be it squeezing it out your vagina or undergoing major abdominal surgery. They do it KNOWING it’s hard…BECAUSE it’s hard, even?? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe we need to start being more honest about breastfeeding and people will actually engage with the messaging.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/10/2025 14:48

I bf all five of mine. When I got pregnant the sixth time I had already decided I would ff, I was sick to death of being the one who had to be on call at all times of the day and night just to keep the infant alive. Expressing didn't work for me, feeding for the first few weeks hurt, and I wanted to be able to go out occasionally and leave the baby with someone else, not lug it around with me like a pile of wet washing.

I lost baby #6, so it never came to that, but when my DD told me she was going to ff her impending baby, I thought 'good on you, girl.'

HedwigEliza · 31/10/2025 14:47

Everything about your OP makes me feel ill. If that’s the sort of messaging you’re going for, it’s repulsive, so I’d never engage with it.

Whathappend · 31/10/2025 14:44

I remember being hacked off that no one had prepared me for just how painful it would be feeding my second child. I never had anything like it when feeding my first baby. The stomach cramps I had every time I fed my second reduced me to tears.

The intense pain only really eased off at about 6 weeks. It was agony but the "breast is best" was so ingrained, I powered through. By week 2, I was in tears every time before I fed as I knew what was coming.

I gave birth to both my babies without any pain relief, so I know my pain threshold is high. Having something, anything, out there saying "these are the worst cramps you will ever experience in your life, far worse than labour and birth" would have helped me whilst I was walking through it.

So I thoroughly agree OP.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 31/10/2025 14:33

TheKeatingFive · 31/10/2025 11:36

I understand where you're coming from but if breastfeeding is painful then there is a chance that there's an underlying issue that can be resolved (e.g. latch, tongue tie, technique).

Tbh I think this message is part of the problem. For the first few weeks at least, it's going to be painful regardless. Best to prepare people properly for that. Eventually the nipples toughen up and it all gets hugely better, but that takes a few weeks.

Show quote history

Breastfeeding was many things for me, but it was never painful. Not even the earliest bits, not even the two days when my son decided he wanted to be latched 9h straight. (I declined to offer this and went on a couple of short walks around the block whilst my husband soothed him).

Tigerbalmshark · 31/10/2025 14:30

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2025 13:36

Haven't RTFT but I agree.

I used to tell the young, vulnerable mums I worked with that I BF because I was fat, skint and lazy. Baby sucks the fat right off you, costs nothing, and I don't have to make bottles in the middle of the night or remember a bag and milk and blah every time I leave the house. Have boobs, will travel.

They responded MUCH better to that than, "breast is best". Because salad is best and they didn't eat that. They didn't think the 'best' advice was for them. It was for white, middle-class mums.

Yep honestly those three factors were massive for me too, and I am a white, MC professional!

Also no risk of running out in the middle of the night and needing to go to the shop (also a major factor in using cloth nappies, along with squeamishness at opening the dustbin and seeing it full to the brim with shitty nappies)

Honestly I felt I had plenty of information from on here, from the Kellymom site, and from our local NHS breastfeeding drop in. I actually found BFing far easier than I’d expected, despite DS having a terrible anterior tongue tie diagnosed at birth (needed to be snipped twice in his first three months). It wasn’t easy but I was expecting it to be hell on earth and it wasn’t that either.

OP mentions influencers, and honestly I’m amazed anyone thinks influencers are a decent, unbiased source of information. Most holidays are nothing like influencers suggest either, my cakes look nothing like Mary Berry’s, and my garden is not as nice as Sarah Raven’s. A homesteading mommy influencer going on about the joys of breastfeeding is an advert, not reality.

Original poster
RightOrAMeringue · 31/10/2025 14:29

Reading all the replies has been really interesting. I noticed a lot of the emphasis seemed to be on convincing people to try/ accidentally deterring people at the offset. I think it’s important to note that this country doesn’t actually have a problem with getting people to start….the rate’s something like 80% of mothers initiating breastfeeding. Pretty good. The problem is that that rapidly declines in the first weeks….and my hypothesis is that it’s because people feel mislead, lied to, condescended to and unsupported.

The other thing that hit me - and it’s not to have a go, it just really did strike me - was that the people who have taken this as an opportunity to talk about their own personally good experiences just seem lacking in empathy. It’s worth saying here that I, too, now feel that breastfeeding my child is the loveliest thing in the world, I thank my lucky stars I persevered and have it in my toolbox, and it’s true that I feel a sort of unbridled euphoria whole gazing down at my happy baby. And if that helps anyone hang in there, fantastic. The reason I didn’t mention it at the offset is because it doesn’t help anyone who’s in the trenches experiencing it in real time. I’m extremely passionate that other mothers and their babies get to experience what I do, but I think that requires some real talk, some
acknowledgement that one’s experience is not universal, and that we are definitely conveniently missing a big bit out when we tell people what to expect from breastfeeding. Knowing that I battled through the hard stuff with DC1 to arrive at this lovely, easygoing, convenient place with DC2 does feel good now…but it was definitely harder than it needed to be.

Lastly, If anyone’s reading this from that hard place, please know it’s not your fault you’re finding it hard, or can’t access the support. If anything you see on the socials makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s the problem, not you. And whatever you decide to do is the right decision, because you know best. It’s your automatic setting as a parent. Right now the poll tells me you’re not alone - far from it. Breastfeeding can be magical and lovely, but so can riding a unicycle, learning another language, climbing Everest….whatever. Doesn’t make it easy, nor something everyone wants to do. Stay true to yourself.

OP posts:
Zempy · 31/10/2025 13:58

lanthanum · 31/10/2025 11:29

On the other hand, for some people it is not a terrible experience, and reading your description might put people off from giving it a try. There has to be a balance.

Yeah I would be so deterred if I read that description! I EBF both mine for 14 months each and found it ridiculously easy and simple.

NikkiPotnick · 31/10/2025 13:57

Labamba78 · 31/10/2025 13:29

This!

Show quote history

Yes, very aptly worded!

THisbackwithavengeance · 31/10/2025 13:55

I do agree but a lot of women find bf very easy, produce lots of milk, have no pain or latch issues, baby feeds like a dream and on a schedule.

I’m in my 50s now and I still say that bf was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. If I were a cow, they’d’ve shot me.

Maray1967 · 31/10/2025 13:53

I was extremely unimpressed that there was a complete failure to mention the fact that a full term healthy baby can refuse the breast and scream the place down in frustration. I had every intention of bf DS1; he had other ideas. Not one single mw in Liverpool Womens could get him to feed properly in the five days I was in. My community mw was very helpful and told me he was just like her second and she bottle fed him, unlike her other two.

When I filled in the antenatal blue book for DS2 I answered the bf/bottle feeding question with the words ‘ the baby will decide’.

Carnation25 · 31/10/2025 13:44

MarvellousMonsters · 31/10/2025 11:44

Actually, no. It shouldn’t hurt, at all. There might be some nipple tenderness or sensitivity, letdown can be quite a fierce tingle like pins & needles, and the contractions in your uterus can be hardcore, but if you have actual nipple pain there’s a latch/positioning issue that needs resolving. Never just grit your teeth and hope it’ll get better, don’t resign yourself to it hurting for ‘the first week or so’ because that’s how mums end up with cracked nipples and mastitis, and babies don’t gain weight and before you know it there’s formula top ups and then it’s a slippery slope to pumping, bottles and so on.

Don’t struggle on thinking it’s meant to be sore. It’s not.

Show quote history

Totally agree.

freakingscared · 31/10/2025 13:44

It’s hard ! I have 3 kids , first one was the easiest but I still hit mastitis a few times , second one was ok but she wouldn’t accept anything but the Brest until she was 4 , I had to literally run away from her at times . 3rd child was awful , she wasn’t putting weight , every tom such and Harry if a midwife and heath visitor had their own stupid ignorant opinion and they only got me in touch with a breastfeeding consultant after 4 weeks and although she was amazing all the bad advice had done damage I had mastitis 13 times in 18 months It’s hard , yes it’s the best , yes we need help and yes I would I still do it all over again .

C152 · 31/10/2025 13:44

The UK has become extremely paternalistic. The attitude you allude to - 'don't tell them the truth, they'll panic / make the "wrong" decision" - is embedded throughout society, whether it's education or healthcare. I agree that people should be given the facts, good and bad, so that they can make their own decisions.

Toottooot · 31/10/2025 13:37

Whilst they are coming up with your suggested content they also need to refocus on some of their midwifery team not making you feel like an absolute failure and a useless mother for being unable to feed your child. 5 years on the way the midwife running my ward made me feel still infuriates me - I really wish I had complained about him and his treatment.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2025 13:36

Haven't RTFT but I agree.

I used to tell the young, vulnerable mums I worked with that I BF because I was fat, skint and lazy. Baby sucks the fat right off you, costs nothing, and I don't have to make bottles in the middle of the night or remember a bag and milk and blah every time I leave the house. Have boobs, will travel.

They responded MUCH better to that than, "breast is best". Because salad is best and they didn't eat that. They didn't think the 'best' advice was for them. It was for white, middle-class mums.

frumpy84 · 31/10/2025 13:36

currently reading this whilst breastfeeding my biting baby.

SendhelpToddlerBoy566 · 31/10/2025 13:34

I was lucky as my mum breastfed me until 1 and she warned me about the realities of it, the discomfort, the mastitis, the horrible feeling of being your child's only source of nutrition. She urged me to pay for a proper lactation consultant as she herself had an amazing midwife, without whom she would not have been able to BF me. Knowing the NHS is the way it is now, I knew I would have to pay for that kind of support. It was the best money I ever spent, I would have 100% given up without her.

And for the record, the NHS midwives were beyond clueless about BF. It was actually shocking. One came over and pinched the top of my nipple and shoved it in baby's mouth i.e. the exact OPPOSITE of how to get a good latch.

I didn't really find it wonderful until the 6/7 month mark, when most British women have given up. Still BF at 14 months and it really is magic. It helps me sleep, helps us connect, calms him down, fantastic when teething or sick.

But in the early days, not giving formula just meant I was completely and horribly sleep deprived and no one, NO ONE, from my circle of friends could understand why I couldn't just go out on an evening and leave the baby with dad. Just shows how much ignorance there is. Most people formula feed so it never enters their mind that BF means baby is just glued to you for a long long time.

StripyHorse · 31/10/2025 13:32

RightOrAMeringue · 31/10/2025 11:25

Currently bf’ing DC2 who’s 11w old. It’s going fine, but it was still nippy/exhausting/difficult/annoying while I was getting into it again. I don’t think it was physically any easier than DC1, just I knew what to expect and didn’t over-analyse things this time. But, inevitably, the old algorithms have thrown up a lot of bf’ing kool aid, telling me (I didn’t ask) about how wonderful it is and how it absolutely is not to blame for sleep problems/PPD/anxiety/exhaustion etc etc. There’s always a footnote just to remind you that IF it is painful/not working/you hate it, it’s defo a you-problem and to “reach out”. To who is always vague, and usually will involve money.

AIBU to suggest we sack all the woo/ crunchy mama content and call it what it is: metal af? None of this “it’s best for your baby”; like, b*tch, we know. Someone not bf’ing their kid is not usually based on total ignorance, and to suggest as much is just internalised misogyny. Bf’ing is hard, it’s messy, it’s visceral, it’s a new skill your body is learning to do when it’s just been put through the wringer….can we just tell people that? So that when they inevitably get to that point where they’re hunched over a tiny crying baby at 3am, drenched in sweat, trying to put a nipple into their mouth even though it feels like 1000 papercuts when they do because they love their baby more than life itself…they can go “oh yeah, I was told about this”. Not “that smug influencer never mentioned this” or “I’m doing it wrong”.

The nhs needs to hire someone who can make some content depicting the reality of breastfeeding (with a good soundtrack, maybe Slipknot/ similar), and trust that women won’t be put off like they’re flaky children. They won’t be. People do hard things all the time - run marathons, physio, academic stuff, growing an actual human being and birthing it, be it squeezing it out your vagina or undergoing major abdominal surgery. They do it KNOWING it’s hard…BECAUSE it’s hard, even?? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe we need to start being more honest about breastfeeding and people will actually engage with the messaging.

My big gripe when I went to ante natal classes was how it was all pushed towards the benefits of breastfeeding, nothing about bottlefeeding (unless you stayed behind after class and specifically asked) and nothing about problems and how they can (possibly) be overcome.

If you are adult enough to be bringing a child into the world, you are adult enough to be given the facts. You should be told the pros and cons of both, how to express, how to safely prepare bottles, and what to do if you have problems.

I also think mixed feeding wasn't talked about enough - it was very much presented as all or nothing.

Labamba78 · 31/10/2025 13:29

TheKeatingFive · 31/10/2025 11:36

I understand where you're coming from but if breastfeeding is painful then there is a chance that there's an underlying issue that can be resolved (e.g. latch, tongue tie, technique).

Tbh I think this message is part of the problem. For the first few weeks at least, it's going to be painful regardless. Best to prepare people properly for that. Eventually the nipples toughen up and it all gets hugely better, but that takes a few weeks.

Show quote history

This!

WhatMe123 · 31/10/2025 13:24

Defo helped cause my pnd with my first so I totally avoided with my second and felt so much happier in a big fan if do what you want and don't shove your own opinion down others throats then we can all just do what's right for ourselves 😁

Hundslappadrifa · 31/10/2025 13:19

Needlenardlenoo · 31/10/2025 13:12

It's a difference at a population level.

At the level of the individual woman/baby, there's no difference (at least on average).

All the negative impacts fall on the woman though.

It's a classic example of what economists call an externality: where the social and private costs and benefits diverge.

And even if there were a difference, you couldn't possibly prove it as there's no "control" baby.

Edited

Ah, I get it now. That makes sense!

CatsMagic · 31/10/2025 13:16

ScaryM0nster · 31/10/2025 11:56

You're speaking nonsense. Quite simply because any suggestion that anything involving pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding will be universally the same for everyone is nonsense.

Yes, breastfeeding can hurt. It doesn’t hurt everyone. Sometimes that hurt is an adjustment and sometimes it’s fundamental and will never improve, and sometimes it’s from something that can be changed.

Yes. It can be good and bad for mental health.

More realistic information would be helpful. That describes a range, what’s normal, when to seek support and where to get that support. The harder learning but less faff long term trade off.

I’d also very much like it if advertising breastfeeding support services was regulated or had a code of practise. In a similar way that formula has to avoid preying on vulnerabilities.

Show quote history

Spot on.

Needlenardlenoo · 31/10/2025 13:12

It's a difference at a population level.

At the level of the individual woman/baby, there's no difference (at least on average).

All the negative impacts fall on the woman though.

It's a classic example of what economists call an externality: where the social and private costs and benefits diverge.

And even if there were a difference, you couldn't possibly prove it as there's no "control" baby.

Hundslappadrifa · 31/10/2025 13:02

TheKeatingFive · 31/10/2025 11:39

And the other thing is, while I 100% believe in the benefits of bfing, the difference in outcomes with formula feeding is minimal. No harm in acknowledging that.

For myself, the less tangible benefits were more motivating. And I think it was (in the longer term) very good for my mental health. But that's just me.

The difference is minimal? In my case it was non existent. There’s no difference between my children and a child who was breastfed. Genuine question, what is this minimal difference?

Zanatdy · 31/10/2025 13:02

Some people genuinely don’t suffer or struggle with it. I certainly did with DD, ended up in hospital for 5 days with mastitis / infection (nipple went black). It was not pleasant. Once established with DS1 though it was fine and I found it easy, but the first few weeks was hard. I started to express 100% of the time and then just tried him on breast at 4wks and he latched and no issues for 7 months.