Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

A bit gross?! No shit.

Poor kid.
He's a boy whose childhood for the last several years has included the installation of a much younger woman into his father's house.
It's grim and he's allowed to feel the way he does- much of his behaviour may well be bravado to mask hurt and embarrassment. How should he respond- with measured maturity? He's a child.
It's not OP's fault either- she was early 20s when this lad's letchy father came on to her.
OP, you've been taken advantage of and your stepson has a shitty father.
The person responsible for this situation is Dad (and only Dad), though other posters are keen to tie this lad to the stake.
Of course he needs to see that his dad, not step mother, is the arsehole here but what kid wants the hurt of thinking that? He'd rather make you the bad guy than his own father. And he lacks the life experience to see that you've been taken advantage of- as do you.
And remember, relative to him, you are more the adult- albeit that you're too young to be a part of this situation.
It is not the time to call him out for the use of the word "whore" etc, however disagreeable the language and sentiments; this language is symptomatic of a hurt boy who has been let down by the adults in his life.
He's actually behaved very well if he's generally courteous to you- I hope somebody steps up and looks out for him soon, and for you, too, OP; do you really think this is a great way to live your life?

What holes can the OP fill that would make you less embarrassed that you've raised a child that speaks about women in this way?

Why does he think you broke his parents up? That’s what I’d be asking, and if it’s not true, asking his parents to lay out the timeline of their breakup and your relationship with his dad.

I would also be horrified at the misogynistic language, even if he believes you wrecked his parents’ relationship there’s no excuse for that.

Can he? Right now he has raised a son I wouldn't be proud of.
Mum might do a better job. Can't do much worse.

So you think she shouldn't have shared with her husband that his son said what he did? That's a very weird take.

So you were 22 when you met your dss. How old was his dad?

Perhaps he harbours lots of embarrassment? Perhaps he was teased? Perhaps he does blame you for his parents marriage not working?

Consequences have been in place.

He needs a chat with his dad or perhaps a therapist with his dad as obviously there is some deep resentment.

I do wonder how much his mates tease him about his very young step mum

I agree, I think it was an awful thing for him to say and speaks volumes for his lack of respect for girls/women. I am a bloke in his mid sixties, who has been married for 35 years. I started work at 16 and wouldn't have dreamed saying something like that. Young men have to be pulled up for misogyny, his dad should be doing that.

So you were 22 when you met your dss. How old was his dad?

Perhaps he harbours lots of embarrassment? Perhaps he was teased? Perhaps he does blame you for his parents marriage not working?

Consequences have been in place.

He needs a chat with his dad or perhaps a therapist with his dad as obviously there is some deep resentment.

I do wonder how much his mates tease him about his very young step mum

Are you 12?

OP could have had a quiet word. That would have been there mature approach.

Fine. I would walk out if I was expected to share a home with a adult 18 yo wo
ith this approach to me/women. Tbh wouldn't be my loss.

You misunderstand. There are such obvious holes in this story.

Totally agree with this.

There's having an opinion such as "I don't like my step mum, I feel like she ruined my parents marriage" (which op has already stated is untrue, but he can feel that way if he wishes) and then there's being a full on misogynist and throwing around words like whore and toy to refer to a woman.

This thread is a lesson in how the pigs we read about on MN and other platforms are formed.

16 year old boy calls his stepmother all sorts of disgusting names and it's her fault because:

She's young.
She's Swedish.
She's probably beautiful.
She dared to become a step-parent.
She eavesdropped on a conversation about her.
His parents' marriage broke down for whatever reason.
He's only a child.
He shouldn't be punished.
He should be understood.
Young boys say unkind things and sometimes that strays into misogyny, twisted logic, hateful ideas; but that's understandable.
Blah, blah, blah.

Disgusting ☹️.

Why does him living with his dad “make no sense”.

Grassed him up. Are you 12?
He needs a proper bollocking and then finding out where his mysoginistic ideas have come from.

Up to the OP whether they wish to answer, not you.

Might add some credibility to a tale that makes no sense.

It’s not simply rude and nasty words it’s misogyny. To somehow suggest a similarity to the father being “entitled to remarry” and the son being “entitled” to believe misogynistic tropes about his step-mother is bonkers.

You seem to be bitter at the fact the father has moved on and remarried (a clearly younger woman.)

Why should he live with his mother?

If he lived with his mother would you ask why he lives with her and not his father?

it's HIS home too, he has a right to stay, how awful are you! Kids are not an inconvenience (well, they are 😂) but you DO NOT throw them out because they have an opinion or because they don't get on with your new relationship.

His dad is with someone who treats him "like a little brother", bet he doesn't see it that way, the OP is sleeping with the dad, how bizarre to expect a "mate/ siblings" relationship with the kids? That's nuts.

His dad can be very firm on the teen being polite and respectful, and not using the word toy or whore, but he's just as entitled as thinking the OP is just there for the money as his dad is entitled to have a new partner.

Punishment because of the rude and nasty words, can't do anything about his feelings I am afraid.

Some of these responses show why misogyny is such an issue among young men.

'He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.”'

How is it possible, OP that you could possibly have a good relationship with him (as you state you do)?

Not only has he said these things that you overheard but he has also stuck by what he said and refuses to say sorry.

There is either a LOT missing from this or you do not have a good relationship with your stepson at all and he hates you.

Few holes in this tale, I feel. What's the truth? Why would a seemingly nice young man say these things completely out of the blue about someone he claims to like. Either it's not true or he has had a complete temporary personality change.

Why does he live with you and not with his mother?

There’s a measure of bravado in relationships between lads.
I had three brothers and overheard conversations between them and their mates when they didn’t know I was nearby. I was the oldest sister. Truely shocked me.

In groups they behave like pack animals, all one upmanship, each being more outrageous than the other. Seeking credibility, belonging, group think. Not wanting to stand out from the crowd.

Shameful behaviour in your own home but cut him some slack. He’s an emotionally unformed young person.
Perhaps his mum would be the best to have a word and put him right given you all get on well together.
Time is a great healer.

Oh behave, contacting the school?! How ridiculous.