Page 8 | Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

cococream · 2025-10-31T09:27:01+00:00

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

RubySquid · 31/10/2025 11:38

OnlyOnAFriday · 31/10/2025 11:24

Maybe his dad should have paid more child support?

Show quote history

Its not obligatory for kids to live with their mothers you know

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2025 11:37

Glowingup · 31/10/2025 11:34

What in the name of excusing misogynistic men did I just read?

Show quote history

What @Glowingup?!?

the poster is detailing that the person to blame at the root of this mess, is the misogynistic father!!

WhattheDeuceBrian · 31/10/2025 11:37

@CypressGrove
Apologies if my post comes off a little terse towards you!
I thought you were laying into the lad but on re-reading I realise this wasn't the case. Sorry.

Dweetfidilove · 31/10/2025 11:36

TheZanyZebra · 31/10/2025 11:27

the "hole" is that it's not a normal reaction, even when there's bravado with friends. It's a bit extreme and unlikely they all play happy family at other times.

No point us making up scenario when we know nothing.
Who knows what the friends say about the OP, and if the teen is angry or very uncomfortable so lashed out like that? Again, don't know but it can't be a happy situation.

Show quote history

It's obviously not a happy situation, as his language is so gross and extreme.

The adults all get along, so hopefully they'll figure out how to help him overcome his hate and misogyny before he's let loose on someone's daughter.
Imagine finding a boyfriend with such disgusting views , all because folks were making excuses and qualifying shit behaviour at 16 ☹️.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/10/2025 11:36

Redpeach · 31/10/2025 09:52

Its a choice to get involved with an older man, married or recently separated, with kids

Show quote history

It's a choice to get involved with any man, or woman for that matter

lazyarse123 · 31/10/2025 11:36

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2025 11:31

His misogyny is utterly appalling, and there is probably already little hope of him growing up to respect women or see them as equals.

But he’s been modelled that, so.

it is mortifying for 16year olds if their parent is dating someone young enough to be their sibling.

Depends how old the dad is. He only needs to be 7 years older than op to have a 16 year old. Not a pervynold man by any means.

TheZanyZebra · 31/10/2025 11:35

Dramatic · 31/10/2025 11:27

Oh poor kid, his step mum is 5 years younger than she "should" be therefore he is well within his rights to turn full misogynist and call her a whore 🙄

Show quote history

it's not that at all, is it.

It's the OP who had to make the point she is only 13 years older in her OP, it's weird she thinks it's an important detail and that it would give them a "little brother/ big sister" relationship. She's the step-mum! She sleeps with the dad!

Completely normal to be in a relationship with a guy, even a bit older than you, but you don't play the big sister with the teenage kids? Nothing wrong with being the step-mum, stick with that, it makes the whole situation a lot more comfortable.

Glowingup · 31/10/2025 11:34

WhattheDeuceBrian · 31/10/2025 11:22

A bit gross?! No shit.

Poor kid.
He's a boy whose childhood for the last several years has included the installation of a much younger woman into his father's house.
It's grim and he's allowed to feel the way he does- much of his behaviour may well be bravado to mask hurt and embarrassment. How should he respond- with measured maturity? He's a child.
It's not OP's fault either- she was early 20s when this lad's letchy father came on to her.
OP, you've been taken advantage of and your stepson has a shitty father.
The person responsible for this situation is Dad (and only Dad), though other posters are keen to tie this lad to the stake.
Of course he needs to see that his dad, not step mother, is the arsehole here but what kid wants the hurt of thinking that? He'd rather make you the bad guy than his own father. And he lacks the life experience to see that you've been taken advantage of- as do you.
And remember, relative to him, you are more the adult- albeit that you're too young to be a part of this situation.
It is not the time to call him out for the use of the word "whore" etc, however disagreeable the language and sentiments; this language is symptomatic of a hurt boy who has been let down by the adults in his life.
He's actually behaved very well if he's generally courteous to you- I hope somebody steps up and looks out for him soon, and for you, too, OP; do you really think this is a great way to live your life?

Edited

Show quote history

What in the name of excusing misogynistic men did I just read?

lazyarse123 · 31/10/2025 11:33

PixieandMe · 31/10/2025 11:19

Are you 12?

OP could have had a quiet word. That would have been there mature approach.

Show quote history

If she'd done that everyone would be telling her it's not her place.

PixieandMe · 31/10/2025 11:33

Dweetfidilove · 31/10/2025 11:22

What holes can the OP fill that would make you less embarrassed that you've raised a child that speaks about women in this way?

Show quote history

Read the OP!

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2025 11:31

His misogyny is utterly appalling, and there is probably already little hope of him growing up to respect women or see them as equals.

But he’s been modelled that, so.

it is mortifying for 16year olds if their parent is dating someone young enough to be their sibling.

buffyajp · 31/10/2025 11:31

CremeEggThief · 31/10/2025 10:08

YABU and you seriously need to toughen up.

ALL teenagers/young adults slag off the adults in their lives to their mates. It's just what they do.🙄

Absolutely rubbish. My kids have NEVER spoken about me like that in my own house and there would be serious consequences if they did. This gentle parenting shit needs to stop. 16 is not a child and the fact he refuses to apologise would be it for me. I would send him to live with his mum if that was how he truly felt and if dh didn’t support me he would go too. Ther is no justification for the way he has spoken about op at all and certainly not the use of the word whore. I am disgusted by posters attempting to justify that as well as the xenophobia by bringing nationality into it.

Gloriia · 31/10/2025 11:30

He's angry and full of resentment that he has a creep for a df who has a dw not much older than he is. Easier to project and blame the woman than admit his dad is a sleazeball.

A swift bollocking would've sufficed, grounding and involving the ex seems rather ott.

Glowingup · 31/10/2025 11:29

Dweetfidilove · 31/10/2025 11:15

This thread is a lesson in how the pigs we read about on MN and other platforms are formed.

16 year old boy calls his stepmother all sorts of disgusting names and it's her fault because:

She's young.
She's Swedish.
She's probably beautiful.
She dared to become a step-parent.
She eavesdropped on a conversation about her.
His parents' marriage broke down for whatever reason.
He's only a child.
He shouldn't be punished.
He should be understood.
Young boys say unkind things and sometimes that strays into misogyny, twisted logic, hateful ideas; but that's understandable.
Blah, blah, blah.

Disgusting ☹️.

Precisely. And she didn’t even eavesdrop - they were talking loud enough for her to hear in her own house. She didn’t instal a camera in his bedroom.

And yes it’s so obvious why there are so many awful men out there, why so many women suffer rape, sexual assault and domestic abuse.

SO many times I read on the step parenting forums that you should not try to be a parent, you should be a friendly older adult, like an aunt or older sister. Exactly what the OP has done but it’s not good enough apparently.

And so much excusing horrible depraved behaviour just because this boy’s parents got divorced and apparently he’s a victim. I can’t believe people think it’s okay for children to treat adults in their lives like shit just because they are in a relationship with their parents. NO. The OP is friendly with the ex wife, the ex has taken her side in this dispute and is invited to family events. Clearly it’s complete bollocks that the OP was the cause of the marriage breakdown.

This is an insecure little shit of a boy who feels big by engaging in misogyny and blaming everything on women. Unless a serious intervention takes place, in a few years he will be talking about his girlfriends like this, calling them whores and playthings.

RubySquid · 31/10/2025 11:29

JamieCannister · 31/10/2025 11:02

Why on earth would you expect him not to hate you?

Of course he's not going to tell you what he thinks to your face every time he sees you! He's not a complete monster!

How and why did you come to think moving in with someone else's kids is appropriate or that treating the child of your partner as a brother is appropriate?

Show quote history

Why should her hate her? I never hated either of my stepparents. I have a good relationship with them even now ( and mum divorced my stepdad years ago) despite both of my parents being dead.

I was 10 when mum remarried and 12 when Dad did

Ohband my mum did leave my Dad for my stepdad

BreadandCircus · 31/10/2025 11:28

ChocolateCroissantCafe · 31/10/2025 10:31

I can't see that it's eavesdropping, it sounds like they were having a loud enough conversation in her earshot. Hard not to tune into that once you realise the contents, surely?

By her own account, the OP stopped and listened when she heard her name. And the result was predictable.

If you’ve generally got along well, OP, I’d chalk it up to ‘teenage boy sounding off to his friends’ and ignore. Pick your battles. It’s an approach that has worked well in general for my friends who are step parents to teenagers they didn’t help raise.

Dramatic · 31/10/2025 11:27

WhattheDeuceBrian · 31/10/2025 11:22

A bit gross?! No shit.

Poor kid.
He's a boy whose childhood for the last several years has included the installation of a much younger woman into his father's house.
It's grim and he's allowed to feel the way he does- much of his behaviour may well be bravado to mask hurt and embarrassment. How should he respond- with measured maturity? He's a child.
It's not OP's fault either- she was early 20s when this lad's letchy father came on to her.
OP, you've been taken advantage of and your stepson has a shitty father.
The person responsible for this situation is Dad (and only Dad), though other posters are keen to tie this lad to the stake.
Of course he needs to see that his dad, not step mother, is the arsehole here but what kid wants the hurt of thinking that? He'd rather make you the bad guy than his own father. And he lacks the life experience to see that you've been taken advantage of- as do you.
And remember, relative to him, you are more the adult- albeit that you're too young to be a part of this situation.
It is not the time to call him out for the use of the word "whore" etc, however disagreeable the language and sentiments; this language is symptomatic of a hurt boy who has been let down by the adults in his life.
He's actually behaved very well if he's generally courteous to you- I hope somebody steps up and looks out for him soon, and for you, too, OP; do you really think this is a great way to live your life?

Edited

Show quote history

Oh poor kid, his step mum is 5 years younger than she "should" be therefore he is well within his rights to turn full misogynist and call her a whore 🙄

TheZanyZebra · 31/10/2025 11:27

Dweetfidilove · 31/10/2025 11:22

What holes can the OP fill that would make you less embarrassed that you've raised a child that speaks about women in this way?

Show quote history

the "hole" is that it's not a normal reaction, even when there's bravado with friends. It's a bit extreme and unlikely they all play happy family at other times.

No point us making up scenario when we know nothing.
Who knows what the friends say about the OP, and if the teen is angry or very uncomfortable so lashed out like that? Again, don't know but it can't be a happy situation.

MaidOfSteel · 31/10/2025 11:25

CremeEggThief · 31/10/2025 10:08

YABU and you seriously need to toughen up.

ALL teenagers/young adults slag off the adults in their lives to their mates. It's just what they do.🙄

Using vicious and misogynistic terms? No. Thats not acceptable and needs to be stopped.

OnlyOnAFriday · 31/10/2025 11:24

cococream · 31/10/2025 11:16

Because his dad can provide a higher quality of life than his mum.

Show quote history

Maybe his dad should have paid more child support?

helpfulperson · 31/10/2025 11:23

cococream · 31/10/2025 11:16

Because his dad can provide a higher quality of life than his mum.

Show quote history

Why can't his Dad provide this higher quality of life while he lives 50 50 with his Mum

How long had his parents been separated when you met his Dad?

ClareBlue · 31/10/2025 11:23

cococream · 31/10/2025 09:35

I’ve never taken on a parental role with him, he has his mum and dad for that. I’ve always seen our relationship as more of a friendship, like a little brother.

Show quote history

Then sleep with his Dad. You were 22 when you got to know him. You can see his issue here, though the description of you is completely out of order but he obviously doesn't share the cool relationship you think you have with him.

TheZanyZebra · 31/10/2025 11:23

JHound · 31/10/2025 11:12

It’s not simply rude and nasty words it’s misogyny. To somehow suggest a similarity to the father being “entitled to remarry” and the son being “entitled” to believe misogynistic tropes about his step-mother is bonkers.

You seem to be bitter at the fact the father has moved on and remarried (a clearly younger woman.)

Edited

Show quote history

who's bitter? 😂 I don't know the OP, I might be younger than her for all you know 😂

On the kids point of view, the new partner has wrecked the marriage with his mum. So?

If you decide to go into a relationship with someone who has kids, you accept you can't throw them out when they become an inconvenience.

I do find it weird that the OP had to add that she's only 13 years older in her OP. How is that relevant? She's the step-mum, it really doesn't matter if she is 29 or 39 on that note, still a step-mum. It's odd she thinks it's an important detail.

The same way a mum with a 10 year old is "just" a mum with a 10 year old whether she's 30 or 45.

purplecorkheart · 31/10/2025 11:23

Sounds like he was trying to be the big man in front of his friends. Sadly I would expect that he also speaks like that about his female teachers etc too.

I think your dh needs to crackdown on this sharp and you need to stop treating him as a little brother.

harriethoyle · 31/10/2025 11:22

How old is your DSS @cococream ?

I agree it’s odd to cast yourself as a big sibling which does imply a parent child relationship between you and your husband. Why not cast yourself as a benign quasi-aunt?