Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

@cococream why won’t you answer the repeatedly asked question about how old your DH is?

This is why I would never ever take on anyone’s kids or love anyone else’s kids as my own. You could do the world for them, raise them and they shit all over you and there’s nothing you can do. You can give them the best part of your life and they could turn around and say you are no one to them and they would be right. I would just stop doing anything for him and completely ignore him. He hates you so no point in trying to have any relationship with him

I think she just explained the facts around why he lives where he does, and why his parents made that decision. Which she didn’t have to do.

How is a woman who’s just been called a Swedish whore the bad guy here.

No age response so let’s take a guess - 55?

it’s interesting op that you are subtly trying to have a dig at the child for choosing the finer things money can buy, as if by 16 one should have worked out that money isn’t everything.

Bet you get a good chunk of money from your ex towards kid or child gets plenty of stuff from daddy

Okay 🤷‍♀️ doesn’t mean every kid would

My ex is on six figures, I’m minimum wage. My kids would choose me every time.

What do you mean by this?

Yes, probably. Fairly common with teenagers.

What does that mean? He stays with his Dad not Mum because Dad is richer??

The situation is that his father is with a younger woman and he is not living with his mother. That is bound to create strong feelings. I think what your dss said is horrible and misogynistic but I suspect it has a lot more to do with his feelings towards his mother and father and anger at the circumstances than with you. He may have also have heard other people talking about you along these lines as not all exes, friends or relatives hold back when talking about the new woman. I think your DH needs to talk to his son alone.

I think the punishment is not fit for purpose and will make things worse.
The important thing here is to tackle the underlying issues that meant he behaved like this in the first place. His parents should be highly concerned and are being naive in the extreme to think punishing him as they might for breaking a curfew or some other misdemeanor is sufficient to address serious misogyny and deep resentment of you and your role in his life. Equally so in believing a forced apology ever achieved anything positive for anyone.
Your H needs to sit him down for a serious talk covering a range of topics from his views about women to his feelings about the separation.
I hope he steps up to that and doesn't brush it under the carpet, because this is intolerable for you to live with, and it may escalate if not properly addressed.

no I don't think its OPs fault at all, but at the of the day, there is a hierarchy to their relationship and pretending it doesn't exist and that they're age mates isn't helpful to her or him.

she's not his parent but she is an authority figure in the home and that its ok. That is a boundary that should be acknowledge. they're not mates.

Most teenagers would think in their bitchiest phases that their dads much younger wife who is always trying to pretending were sibling is a gold digger and most likely would say that to their mates. It is not right and absolutely his parents should come down like a ton of bricks. But none of it is even remotely surprising.

Don't think it even means that he doesn't like her, he just thinks she's a try hard. Obviously younger than his father in an obvious and embarrassing way to him at this age.

You can understand his thought process and how teenagers minds work without condoning his behaviour or thinking its OPS fault.

Why must she have been the family nanny? I took it to mean that she was 22 when she got to know her DSS, ie when she started the relationship with the dad. Why have you invented from the facts that she must have known the child in the capacity as a nanny/au pair before the relationship with the father started?

And why must she have been the nanny to now be friends with the mum? Theres absolutely no reason why she couldn’t be friendly with her husbands ex if she wasn’t a previous employee. In fact I’d think it was less likely that they’d be friends if the OP was previously employed to look after the child.

Not necessarily. My partner is 10 years older than me, and had my stepson when we met. I’ve never been his au pair, or nanny, and they’d been divorced for 2 years.

I got on with his ex wife very well. It’s actually within the best interests of the child that everyone gets on and is able to collectively care for the child.

I was using such abusive and extreme language towards somebody.I lived with including calling them a whore, a sex toy, a home wrecker, and then defending my opinion.When I was caught and refusing to apologize - i'm not sure I'd want to live there in the first place if I felt that way about somebody Ihad to live with

He has somewhere else to go and if he has such extreme misogynistic views about his stepmother, he can leave he isn't going to apologize for it. He has an alternative home. The op doesn't.
If that isn't an option, then his mother won't have him.

Do you know?I wonder why generation after generation of men end up misogynistic bastard ads because women like you defend them. Oh but he's just a child. Less than two years off being an adult and making excuses for him.

Women are actually responsible for behaviour like this. They don't stamp it out in their children.

OP not telling us the age gap.
OP, Were you involved in his care prior to getting withhuIs dad. Not many 22 year old know a non family 9 year old well and are friends with his mother and form a relationship with his father unless they are involved with the family some way, usually as a baby sitter or family au pair, not stereo typing Swedish BTW. But the gold digger bit and you destroying the oarents marriage and him living with father for better standard of living and you looking at the relationship with son as sibling type, indicates to me a level of wealth and a maybe a relationship that developed within the family dynamics, between you and your partner. Even if it started after they split up. I'm guessing you were employed to look after him at some stage. If you were external to the family and met after the parents split it's hard to see how you would be good friends with his mother.

Would you be saying this if it was her biological son? Would you accept that off your son and blame yourself for overhearing it?

Regardless of the ins and outs of the wider issues, the lad's language and behaviour aimed at the OP is disgusting. No one deserves to be spoken about/to in that manner, whoever they are. The fact the lad is only 16, yet is using awful language to describe a woman, doesn't bode well for his future relationships. Questions: how old is the OP's partner? How long from splitting with his wife was it before he met the OP? How long did the OP and her partner date before moving in with him? Why does the OP's step-son believe the OP destroyed his parents marriage? Where has this notion come from? Another family member??!! Clearly the adults - the OP's partner, the OP and the ex-wife get along well and are working together. Has your partner sat down with his son, without you being there, and actually asked where his beliefs have come from? Has your partner explained why his marriage to the ex-wife failed? The step-son won't apologise because he believes he's correct, and unless he can be made to understand differently, then he's not going to change his views. To say that the OP and the step-son have a good relationship, isn't really true. The OP may have believed that, but this incident must make her now see, that's not the case. She's been politely tolerated.

You’d expect your partner to choose between you and his son? What could possibly go wrong there.

Fgs I doubt she goes round calling him her brother. The point is that the role of stepmother isn’t actually defined. People have totally different opinions on what is expected or appropriate. Some think it’s being a parent, including disciplining and raising the child. Some think being a stepmum is totally hands off and barely speaking to the child. Some think it’s being a friend.

But this is not the OP’s fault because she wasn’t authoritarian enough.

Maybe OP can clarify, if he's MC he could have been 36. 😆