Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

His dad needs to sit him down and put him straight. Part of it will be showing off in front of his friends and partly maybe he believes you broke up his parents marriage and his dad needs to discuss it with him to talk it through. He should apologise to you either way for being so disrespectful.

In her own home calling her a whore & lying to people that she broke up his parents marriage?

I don’t think mum would have been on board with the punishment if there were truth in this. His parents have together chosen the punishment, not OP

No they don’t normally call them whores or talk about them in a sexualised way. Maybe they say they’re annoying/controlling/boring or whatever but I would have been shocked as a teen if someone talked about their stepmum like that. The only ones that did were off the rails in other ways and turned out to have personality disorders (including someone I knew who used to goad her mum to kill herself and say stuff like “I know you want to”).

If I heard one of my kids referring to me as a whore I would be absolutely furious. That is in no way normal, what planet are you living on?

Eavesdroppers seldom hear anything to their good. You shouldn't have listened in and you can't police his opinion of you. He thinks what he thinks and you won't change that by dragging out his punishment.

This is good advice.
It might also be a good idea to talk it all through with a therapist / counsellor. They might have some good advice.

Sympathy to you. That must have been so hurtful to hear.

Where do you think his misogynistic attitude has come from? What are his friends like?

Not sure how you change this type of attitude at 16 years old, very worrying
not sure punishment for opinion will ultimately work

Not to that extent in my opinion.
You would think that being called a Whore by a teenager in your life to be ok?

YABU and you seriously need to toughen up.

ALL teenagers/young adults slag off the adults in their lives to their mates. It's just what they do.🙄

What he said is unacceptable and you have every right to be hurt. But remember he is still fundamentally a child, and children are prone to extreme behaviour.

His parents split up when he was very young. And in the years leading up to that, the tension in their relationship would have been ever-present in his most formative years. And in the years after that, however good you have been to him, it’s fair to say that his dad being married to a “big sister” is not exactly a normal setup.

Young men show off, they say extreme things, they push at boundaries. It’s ugly and it shouldn’t happen, but it does. The kindest thing you can do now is acknowledge your pain but also be the bigger person. He will look back in future years and cringe at what he did - if you take the high road now then the adult him will always remember and respect that.

What does that mean in practice though? If you live with a young child you do inevitably take on a certain role with them - either parental or possibly fraternal if there’s not a big age gap. You can’t just be “parent’s partner” unless you completely distance yourself from the child, which isn’t good either and isn’t what most stepkids want.

I would be very concerned about a teenage boy calling women whores and referring to them as toys. It shows a horrible level of misogyny and disrespect that needs to be addressed. Otherwise he will morph into one of the many adult male misogynists walking the earth.

What does that mean in practice though? If you live with a young child you do inevitably take on a certain role with them - either parental or possibly fraternal if there’s not a big age gap. You can’t just be “parent’s partner” unless you completely distance yourself from the child, which isn’t good either and isn’t what most stepkids want.

I would be very concerned about a teenage boy calling women whores and referring to them as toys. It shows a horrible level of misogyny and disrespect that needs to be addressed. Otherwise he will morph into one of the many adult male misogynists walking the earth.

He called you a Swedish whore in your hearing and then refused to apologise. That is pretty bloody serious. No way I would be letting that go. Your DH needs to go nuclear on him. At the very least he shouldn't be allowed back until he apologises - your DH will have to see him elsewhere.

If he is 'like a younger brother' to you, why didn't you take him aside alone and tell him that you heard what he said? You could have asked him if he really felt that way about you, told him it upset you and left it at that.

Now he really has something to dislike you for because you grassed him up to his dad and his mum, got him grounded and blew the whole thing up.

No he is not entitled to refer to anyone as only being good as a man's toy or to call his step mother a whore. In her own home. You're not entitled to spew bile under someone's roof purely because it's your opinion. I'm liberal and accepting and a big believer in freedom of speech but my DD will not be allowed to slander people on a whim using language like this. Let alone a family member who loves them!

No he shouldn’t be going around calling women whores and making sexualised comments about them, whether they’re his stepmum or not.

Its a choice to get involved with an older man, married or recently separated, with kids

Of course they can. They don’t ‘play’ any role other than what they are - the new DP of the parent. You don’t become ‘friends’ with your step children, or indeed become a third parent. You are their parent’s partner and that’s it. In this case they also live together, so you treat your DSC with courtesy and respect and expect the same back.

Yes but shes clearly not acting like a step parent neither, treating him like a little brother. Youve confused dont need to rock up & lay the law as a second mum but do need to have boundaries whoch clearly hasnt been excuted here.

Really?

I imagine that people on here would be critical if she'd rocked up as a 22 year old and started to lay down the law as a second mother, too. And it would have been far more weird if she'd treated him like a friend her own age. I think "little brother" as a shorthand for "an affectionate familial relationship where one party is older and more responsible than the other but without the same authority as a parent" is fine.

Step parents can't win!

Thats is pretty extreme, saying you were a bit annoying etc would be one thing but that was very very nasty and I would have to wonder where he gets these ideas from

You were eavesdropping and he is allowed to speak to his friends about things that bother him and allowed an opinion surely.

Don’t listen at doors. You never hear anything good about yourself. If he’s nice to your face and you think you get on with him, you probably do. But all the other things may also have a grain of truth in them. He was talking to his pals, the things teenage boys said to one another were not for your ears.
i would just pretend I didn’t hear, and get on with life.

At 16 he’ll have his own opinions on things.

if he thinks you broke up his parents marriage then punishing him is not going to improve your relationship. He will still think that and he’ll also think you are an unpleasant person.

you say what he thinks is factually untrue.

his dad needs to sit down with him and talk through what happened so the situation can be sorted out.