Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. Does he need some form of consequences for what he said, absolutely. But you need to be more focused on where he is learning this misogyny, and abhorrent behaviour towards women. Sounds like he is being taken in by the red pill, Andrew Tate incels and swift action needs to be taken, especially by the men in his life, to educate him properly. What are the men in his life like? Does his dad speak this way?

Some people have such low standards for their children, especially sons, and wknder why they're so susceptible to misogyny and incel behaviour.

@cococream , this is a difficult one as you wouldn't put up with being called a whole by anyone else. And especially not in your own home.
Hopefully his parents are of some use in cracking down on this behaviour, ensuring he knows it won't be tolerated.

You've put your own spin on that.And that is not what I meant.

He has said his stepmother is just his father's toy. He's slagging off his step mother and clearly feels utter contempt for her.

But his mother won't have him for whatever reason.

If he is unhappy with his home life, he can live somewhere else.He has a choice. Unless his mother doesn't want him.

He's not a baby, he's nearly an adult. There are limits to the type of allowances and excuses that can be made for a child of that age.

At that age don't like your home life... Leave.

If his mother is so
If his mother is so great, why doesn't she have him. Exactly why doesn't he live mainly at his mother's in that case.

This is an awful to say and also makes the father a secondary parent. When a separation happens children typically have to live with one parent mainly. Most of the time it’s the mother but when they don’t it does not mean she’s somehow deficient. He’s a boy and may prefer to live with his father.

This is an awful to say and also makes the father a secondary parent. When a separation happens children typically have to live with one parent mainly. Most of the time it’s the mother but when they don’t it does not mean she’s somehow deficient. He’s a boy and may prefer to live with his father.

What he said was unacceptable and he deserved to be pulled up on it.

Were you involved in the ending of your husband’s marriage to his first wife?

It’s not appropriate to have a little brother relationship with a step child.

Stepmothers really can do no right, can they? If she'd said she was acting as a mum, she would also be vilified. What role do you think she should take? Can't see anything wrong with being a big sister type - there to guide, someone to talk to about things you don't want to talk to your parents about etc. 'Fucked up' indeed - how extremely rude!

So you think a teenage boy calling his stepmother a whore and saying she's his dad's toy is something that isn't being horrible to her?

There's no indication.He's been horrible to her? Are you for real? She heard it with her own ears.

He was clever enough not to be horrible to her face, he just said it behind her back instead.

There should be no consequences and he shouldn't have to move out of his home?

This boy is two years off becoming a fully grown adult. You think it's okay for him to carry on speaking about women like that?

I pity the poor women.He ends up dating unless he's gay, of course.

If I was the dad I’d want to know if my son had been using disgusting misogynistic language to refer to his stepmum. The whole thing is quite disturbing. While I can understand that boys might show off to their mates, his refusal to apologise and insistence that he’s done nothing wrong is worrying. As is the fact that he clearly has these hateful thoughts but is able to totally mask them. He sounds quite calculating and disturbed.

If I read that right he is 16 and you are 29? Is he embarrassed that you are young? Compared to his dad? Hence the awful comments. I would step back and let his parents deal with it for now. But once it calms down I think his dad needs to work out how his son is feeling? Definitely not ok.

I agree that using words like whore and saying you're his Dad's toy, suggests that he may have gone down the whole red pill, Andrew Tate rabbit hole and I think thay needs some serious intervention.

You also need your husband to set his son straight regarding how you got together if you weren't involved in his parents marriage breakdown. (However if you were in any way responsible then you need to maybe have some family counselling so he can come to terms with it, instead of growing this sort of misogynist resentment and blaming you for his Dads infidelity)

You also need to stop with the blurring of boundaries with little brother, big sister stuff (it makes his Dad sound a bit predatory, like you also have a parent and child relationship) and has obviously not sat well with you step son and he's found it easier to take it out on you than his Dad.

Sorry you have been treated like this in your home though OP. I think your DH needs to do some major stepping up and male rolemodelling to resolve this.

Why should DSS be forced out of his home at 18, when he could be still at school? This might have been him speaking 'his truth' but there's no indication that he's been generally horrible to OP, who was eavesdropping.

Possibly the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. Its a bit gross to move in someone only 13 years older in a step mum role. Particularly if she's the hot young stepmum - he might be getting some ribbing from his friends which he has responded to very poorly.

Sure, but he doesn’t see your relationship in that way. I would back off completely. He’s not your little bro, and to be honest the way he sees you is creepy. There’s definitely a sexual element there and he’s very much irritated by your presence. I wouldn’t want to be around him.

That’s how I would have handled it. You should have given him the chance to discuss it with you personally before you told his father.

The thing is, it’s quite possible that his dad was only 29 when he got together with the 22 year old partner. She hasn’t said what the age gap is.

Wow, there´s two years between my husband and I, my daughter must be vomiting in disgust...come off it mate.

Was she able to be his mum?
Do 25 year olds (the age they met) commonly have older kids?
Why should she parent a child that has both parents?

If his mother is so great, why doesn't she have him. Exactly why doesn't he live mainly at his mother's in that case.

Sadly, I don't think this kind of thing is out of the ordinary.

My sister once forgot her phone and left it in my house. It had annoying alarms and notification going off.So I went to switch it off. Her phone isn't locked and there were notifications on the front screen.And there was an incoming text from a friend of hers saying she doesn't know how she tolerates her fucking bitch of a sister I.e. me.

We had until that point been actually having quite a nice day.

I probed a further.I shouldn't have done but I did. That was the tip of the iceberg to what I found out was being said behind my back and behind our parents as well. But she happy to come to me every christmas and have me pay for it and lay it on.Pay for days out for her and her children etc. It stopped immediately after that.

I think it's more common than you think. I m not saying it's acceptable, but he's probably saying things like that for several years. Even your own children, if you went through their phones, you could probably find some awful things they've said about you.

I'll ask him to go and spend some time with his mother, though.If she's so wonderful.

And his parents can pull him up on his misogyny, xenophobia and spreading lies about his step-mother.

She was in the hall of her own house, she wasn't eavesdropping. She did nothing wrong. DSS was in the living room you can't expect a conversation in a shared area of a house to be private if you are talking loud enough to be heard from outside the room. What do you want her to do? Stay in her bedroom when he has friends round in case she hears something??

She is not disciplining him, the parents are doing that. They are taking what he said seriously because it was a really unpleasant misogynistic thing to say. I wouldn't like to live with someone who felt that way about me. It feels like you are blaming her and saying that what he said was ok

You are being unreasonable to think the punishment was too much. He may have done it for fun like a cocky twat, or he may think that. Whichever, he deserved to be grounded because his lack of respect is clear.

No, they do not all call their step mum's 'whore'
This is serious,and this is why boys grow up to be shirty men

I can't see that it's eavesdropping, it sounds like they were having a loud enough conversation in her earshot. Hard not to tune into that once you realise the contents, surely?

Could it be coming from the ex-wife?

My step-sisters were similar with my mom when young because their mom was filling their heads with nonsense and lies.

It has to have come from somewhere. Or maybe he finds it embarrassing that he has a step-mom closer to his age than his parents.

He’s looking at the situation over his parents divorce and his dad’s subsequent relationship and marriage with you, understanding more than he did at nine, feeling disgusted by it, and then putting all the blame on you because he doesn’t want to think of his dad that way.
Either there’s a pretty significant age gap between you and your husband or it feels like a significant gap to your step son and he’s grossed out by it now he’s old enough to understand. A big age gap to a 16 year old is 2 years so do bear that in mind. He’s unfairly (and misogynistically) cast you in the role of gold-digging wh* to explain what happened. It’s probably going to need some uncomfortable conversations with his dad (alone), confirmation from his mum that their separation predated and so was unrelated to your relationship with his dad, and some time to realise that yes, his dad chose to get together with a 22 year old when he had a nine year old child and that this is neither universally accepted as ok or universally decried as gross. Hopefully he’ll calm down about it fairly quickly but it’s likely to flair up again when he hits 22.