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Original poster

Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

312 replies

cococream · 31/10/2025 09:27

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

OP posts:
timestressed · 31/10/2025 11:07

His language has a lot of similarity to a teenager called Joel in Eastenders. He is a step son who mistreats and eventually beats up his step mother in retaliation to what happened to him in his childhood.
I don't think that your stepson's beliefs are going to be sorted by one chat with his father. That young man has very skewed view of women and those views are likely to become even worse and more extreme as the time goes by. He will likely to refuse therapy but imho that's the correct way forward. His authority doesn't lie at home.

JHound · 31/10/2025 11:06

Chiseltip · 31/10/2025 11:03

And the rest.

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So what if his misogyny is his opinion? Does that mean his misogyny and false claims cannot be critiqued?

Glowingup · 31/10/2025 11:06

JamieCannister · 31/10/2025 11:02

Why on earth would you expect him not to hate you?

Of course he's not going to tell you what he thinks to your face every time he sees you! He's not a complete monster!

How and why did you come to think moving in with someone else's kids is appropriate or that treating the child of your partner as a brother is appropriate?

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You what? Why on earth would she expect him not to hate her? Jeez I don’t know, maybe because she’s always been nice to him and hasn’t done anything to warrant being hated by him? Does she deserve to be hated just because she’s his stepmum? People are so weird and excuse shit like this, claiming it’s normal and even the OP’s fault, and then scratch their heads at the amount of disgusting misogyny in society.

ClockworkGiraffe · 31/10/2025 11:06

cococream · 31/10/2025 09:35

I’ve never taken on a parental role with him, he has his mum and dad for that. I’ve always seen our relationship as more of a friendship, like a little brother.

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Maybe that’s where you’ve gone wrong. He’s not your little brother. He’s your step child. Your relationship should be one of parental respect which carries some authority. Not one of pretendy siblings.

Summershutdown · 31/10/2025 11:06

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 31/10/2025 09:37

I would be having a deep dive into his electronic devices - well getting your DH to do it. He will be watching some misogynistic shit.

Once that is found (and it will be) then he would be on an electronic ban apart from supervised access to do his homework.

I would be contacting all the parents of his friends and explaining that they were laughing along with the language and encouraging it.

I would also be contacting the school, just to keep them in the picture and so they know the comments are going round the year group. It is just helpful for them to know in case anything gets said.

And stop doing anything for him, no cooking, cleaning, washing, lifts. He doesn’t get to treat anyone in such a disrespectful way.

He needs to know now, when he is still learning, that he can not treat people this way. He has got it wrong big time, and he needs to have that crashing down on him. As he is 16, it would be appropriate to have a conversation about where he lives as he can not expect to stay living with someone he is so rude to.

OMG this is so over the top!

He's said some stupid things to his mates and they've all been laughing, yes it wasn't nice and yes he should apologise...…but this is a classic over the top mumsnet post. If you think the school are going to be interested in this your off your head

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 31/10/2025 11:05

Chiseltip · 31/10/2025 10:55

It's his opinion though. As for telling his school 🙄

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But not all opinions are equally valid. His opinions are misogynistic - no woman (even a stepmum) should be described as a toy for a man to play with!

I suggest telling the school for information purposes only, if there is conflict at home it often over spills into poor behaviour at school and it useful for the school to know about it.

JHound · 31/10/2025 11:05

JamieCannister · 31/10/2025 11:02

Why on earth would you expect him not to hate you?

Of course he's not going to tell you what he thinks to your face every time he sees you! He's not a complete monster!

How and why did you come to think moving in with someone else's kids is appropriate or that treating the child of your partner as a brother is appropriate?

Show quote history

So you think step-parents should not exist? Why is he right to hate her for simply being his dad’s wife?

MumChp · 31/10/2025 11:03

BunnyLake · 31/10/2025 10:52

No way would I support your throwing my 18yr old just because he’s not yours biologically. Hopefully if this scenario was real you’d be the one leaving.

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In that case I would be better of than staying.

chattychatchatty · 31/10/2025 11:03

latetothefisting · 31/10/2025 09:46

Really?

I imagine that people on here would be critical if she'd rocked up as a 22 year old and started to lay down the law as a second mother, too. And it would have been far more weird if she'd treated him like a friend her own age. I think "little brother" as a shorthand for "an affectionate familial relationship where one party is older and more responsible than the other but without the same authority as a parent" is fine.

Step parents can't win!

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Agree completely with this. How awful and upsetting, OP. His dad needs to mediate here. I would go very cool with him, communicate only if absolutely necessary and avoid him where possible; he needs to come to you with an apology.

Chiseltip · 31/10/2025 11:03

Glowingup · 31/10/2025 10:58

It’s his opinion that the OP is a whore?

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And the rest.

JamieCannister · 31/10/2025 11:02

cococream · 31/10/2025 09:27

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

Why on earth would you expect him not to hate you?

Of course he's not going to tell you what he thinks to your face every time he sees you! He's not a complete monster!

How and why did you come to think moving in with someone else's kids is appropriate or that treating the child of your partner as a brother is appropriate?

MumChp · 31/10/2025 11:02

shuddacuddadidnt · 31/10/2025 10:41

Why should DSS be forced out of his home at 18, when he could be still at school? This might have been him speaking 'his truth' but there's no indication that he's been generally horrible to OP, who was eavesdropping.

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Fine. I would leave if he stayed.
I wouldn't share home with an adult 18 yo stepson with this Andrew Tate wannabe world.
No way, thank you.

JHound · 31/10/2025 11:02

TheLivelyRose · 31/10/2025 10:50

You've put your own spin on that.And that is not what I meant.

He has said his stepmother is just his father's toy. He's slagging off his step mother and clearly feels utter contempt for her.

But his mother won't have him for whatever reason.

If he is unhappy with his home life, he can live somewhere else.He has a choice. Unless his mother doesn't want him.

He's not a baby, he's nearly an adult. There are limits to the type of allowances and excuses that can be made for a child of that age.

At that age don't like your home life... Leave.

Edited
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You have accused me of “putting my own spin on it” but then have decided “the mother won’t have him”.

What is your evidence for that?

I am not saying his behaviour is acceptable - his misogyny needs to be addressed.

But him not living with his mother tells us nothing except he is not living with his mother.

RubySquid · 31/10/2025 11:01

Itworkedout · 31/10/2025 10:42

If I read that right he is 16 and you are 29? Is he embarrassed that you are young? Compared to his dad? Hence the awful comments. I would step back and let his parents deal with it for now. But once it calms down I think his dad needs to work out how his son is feeling? Definitely not ok.

She could actually be 3 or 4 years younger than his dad though

Hons123 · 31/10/2025 11:01

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 31/10/2025 09:37

I would be having a deep dive into his electronic devices - well getting your DH to do it. He will be watching some misogynistic shit.

Once that is found (and it will be) then he would be on an electronic ban apart from supervised access to do his homework.

I would be contacting all the parents of his friends and explaining that they were laughing along with the language and encouraging it.

I would also be contacting the school, just to keep them in the picture and so they know the comments are going round the year group. It is just helpful for them to know in case anything gets said.

And stop doing anything for him, no cooking, cleaning, washing, lifts. He doesn’t get to treat anyone in such a disrespectful way.

He needs to know now, when he is still learning, that he can not treat people this way. He has got it wrong big time, and he needs to have that crashing down on him. As he is 16, it would be appropriate to have a conversation about where he lives as he can not expect to stay living with someone he is so rude to.

The boy's original family is already ruined, irrespective of whose fault it was and if the young Swedish lady (if that is factually right) was/was not the cause of his parents separating.

Now you are proposing to embarrass him at school and with his friends' parents by contacting them all? Are you serious? This is a recipe for disaster.

The best thing for him would be to live with his mum, only occasionally vising his dad, if living with his mum is at all possible. Even if it involves changing schools, etc. If he feels that bad about his 'new older sister', then his mental health should be put first and he should not be spending his teenage years around her - even if she is blameless, if that is the way he feels about her, you can't change his mind.

thebrollachan · 31/10/2025 11:01

I don't think the dilemma is about the punishment. Calling someone a whore, gold-digger, home-wrecker and sex-toy is very extreme language. He clearly has a lot of anger and contempt towards OP and has kept it concealed, which is worrying. I would be nervous in this situation. Are there other children in either household?

99bottlesofkombucha · 31/10/2025 11:01

Wishitsnows · 31/10/2025 09:45

You were eavesdropping and he is allowed to speak to his friends about things that bother him and allowed an opinion surely.

is he really allowed to air a disgusting belittling misogynistic opinion about the op in her house? No, not if you want him to turn into a decent man. This needs a lot more work. A lot, with the bulk of it coming from his dad. I’d send them both away next weekend and they could talk about it, the dad can phrase it as I think it’s only fair to op to give her a break from having aomeone with that view about her living in the house.
I also like the idea of telling the friends parents. This stuff only gets addressed when it’s known.

Glowingup · 31/10/2025 10:58

Chiseltip · 31/10/2025 10:55

It's his opinion though. As for telling his school 🙄

Show quote history

It’s his opinion that the OP is a whore?

NewJobProblem · 31/10/2025 10:57

“A Swedish wh*re”?! I’d be packing him off to his mothers house until he apologised and learns some respect.

Dasherthereindeer · 31/10/2025 10:57

Katiesaidthat · 31/10/2025 10:35

Wow, there´s two years between my husband and I, my daughter must be vomiting in disgust...come off it mate.

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Of course I’m not saying a 2 year age gap is gross. I’m saying 16 years olds consider a person their age going out with a either a 14 year old or an 18 year old to be a huge and potentially disturbing gap. And although they might be able to see that a 2 year gap for adults is no big deal, they might think a 5-10 year gap is enormous. So even if OP hadn’t considered that the age gap between her and her husband is the cause of her SS’s issue, because it’s really not that large (say 5 years if the SS was born when his dad was 18), it still might be what’s prompted his perception here.

Chiseltip · 31/10/2025 10:55

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 31/10/2025 09:37

I would be having a deep dive into his electronic devices - well getting your DH to do it. He will be watching some misogynistic shit.

Once that is found (and it will be) then he would be on an electronic ban apart from supervised access to do his homework.

I would be contacting all the parents of his friends and explaining that they were laughing along with the language and encouraging it.

I would also be contacting the school, just to keep them in the picture and so they know the comments are going round the year group. It is just helpful for them to know in case anything gets said.

And stop doing anything for him, no cooking, cleaning, washing, lifts. He doesn’t get to treat anyone in such a disrespectful way.

He needs to know now, when he is still learning, that he can not treat people this way. He has got it wrong big time, and he needs to have that crashing down on him. As he is 16, it would be appropriate to have a conversation about where he lives as he can not expect to stay living with someone he is so rude to.

It's his opinion though. As for telling his school 🙄

Thundertoast · 31/10/2025 10:54

Gross comments, but im wondering if for some reason he has misunderstood or been misled (either by friends suggesting or family) on the timeline of his parents breakup and you arriving, and id want to clear that up first.
No excuse for misogyny, but now he's more aware of girls and possibly 22 year old girls, you might need to expect a little bit of 'ew, dad, what the fuck' on his end if his dad was 30+ when you met, as he will see his dad as 'old' and 22 year old women as cool, fanciable women, and he might be having some feelings about the age difference in hindsight. Again, no excuse to be vile, but something to bear in mind.

Dramatic · 31/10/2025 10:53

BunnyLake · 31/10/2025 10:52

No way would I support your throwing my 18yr old just because he’s not yours biologically. Hopefully if this scenario was real you’d be the one leaving.

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It's not "just because he's not biologically hers" it's because of his vile language and attitude towards her. I'm not saying I would throw him out but it's obviously not just because he's not the step mums child.

BunnyLake · 31/10/2025 10:52

MumChp · 31/10/2025 09:28

I had asked his friends to leave the house and his father to do a serious talk.
I would expect DSS to move out at 18 yo. No way I would share a home a minute more than needed with him. I would expect DH to support me 100% in this.

Edited

No way would I support your throwing my 18yr old just because he’s not yours biologically. Hopefully if this scenario was real you’d be the one leaving.

Agapornis · 31/10/2025 10:52

Yet another teenage boy radicalised by the misogynist extremism and xenophobia found on socials (well, TikTok). His phone needs to be checked, and warn the school. Hopefully the school will take it seriously and do some whole year/school work on it.

I'm glad your partner and his mother are believing you and taking it seriously.