To think my partner should be paying more

How on earth have you got into this position this is insane, 3 children and he’s not paying his way? Honestly OP you may as well face facts you’ve got a bad man on your hands and this relationship is not going to work, it’s far beyond “sitting down and having a chat”. I’d be planning myself out of this one which won’t be easy but you’re being taken for a ride.

Oh dear the old he’d have to pay a housekeeper, cooker, blah blah. No he wouldn’t

however, current set up is not fair. he needs to pay much more in proportion to take home incomes. If he won’t or even discuss it, tell him you want to split as you can’t continue like this. Or that you will return to work ft and he’ll have to pick up 50% of drop etc etc

akso op, is he paying into a pension ? If you were to split you’d not get entitled to that at all but yours will be low if pt ( if you have one at all)

you really need to consider your whole relationship

He doesn't sound like he sees your relationship as a partnership. People have very different attitudes and expectations when it comes to money within a relationship, and there are lots of ways of managing it.

I think both people should feel happy with the arrangement, and with how domestic work is split, and it should feel broadly fair. This doesn't feel fair to you.

I am surprised that he is happy for you to be struggling and having no money when he has so much. Does he see your part-time work as a decision you made, and therefore you're just living with the choice you made?

It may be that this is an arrangement which really suits him, and he just doesn't care that it isn't working for you. Or it may be that he hasn't joined up the dots.

How were your outgoings previously split?

Then no matter who pays the mortgage you're both building equity... He still needs to pay his share and you should have equal amounts of money for things!

I never understand this - I earn loads more than DH so if we did this I guess I'd have a load more savings but I'd have to live in a house he can afford half of and never go on a really expensive holiday and so on. Also I love him and am happy to share. Does he have children from a previous relationship? I suppose I could see it more in that case as I'd be wanting to protect my DS' inheritance.

Tell him he needs to take over some of the childcare so you can increase your hours to cover the bills.

Did you set up as tenants in common or joint tenants when you took on the house? Do you have any kind of deed of trust in place?

I would do what @Meadowfinch has suggested. That way you can also build up some savings.

OMG every mother and every school should be teaching people that heterosexual marriage is a contract designed to offer some financial protection to the person, almost always the female, who takes the financial/work hit when having kids.

This does sound like financial abuse. You do not have any rights as a “common law wife” as it used to be called. At least tell us that he has life insurance that pays to you to pay off the mortgage and hopefully give some extra if he should die.

How much would it cost to use paid childcare and a cook, cleaner, and laundry service to allow you to work full time like he does? That’s the current market value of the work you do.

”Help out” ffs, it makes me so cross when people not doing that job sneer at it and say the people who are doing it aren’t working! (Not you OP but the fact that you’ve been made to feel that way!) Most work that falls into this category is done by women and that’s why it’s so devalued.

But in your case this is still grossly unfair and I would look at the legal setup for your home. Is he paying the mortgage to prevent you having any sort of claim on it if you split? I really think he is an abusive bastard, he certainly doesn’t have your interests at heart.

So you both pay the same. I don’t know op, fine with a business partner but not with someone who’s supposed to love you. I think you need to go ft/ find a well paying job as his mindset isn’t going to change.A lot of men actually think that 50/50 is fine no matter what

He’s joking. He’s absolutely taking the piss. He’s a mean, nasty, tightfisted bastard and I wouldn’t be staying with him.

In the meantime, I’d stop paying the council tax and say you can’t afford it. And I wouldn’t be buying any food for him or doing any cooking or laundry for him either.

This man doesn’t give a shit about you or his DCs and the sooner you take that on board, the better so you can start your exit. I bet the house is in his name only as well.

If you split, possible after you’ve raised the children, he will get the house and have savings and you will be left either nothing at all…

Yikes. Transfer the bills into his name, tell him in advance (his reaction will tell you everything) but be prepared to do it. If you don't stand up for yourself he will carry on taking advantage. I hope your name is on the deeds and/or mortgage. Because if not you need to be ready to be kicked out, sadly.

Have you actually sat down and spoken to him about this or are you just keeping quiet and simmering?
I'd have had a meeting with him by now with figures in front of me and read the riot act.

Why on earth are you allowing this?

Sorry for any offense caused.

Write down all the bills and outgoings and agree a much fairer apportionment.