To think my partner should be paying more

This is financial abuse. Why did you agree to have children (or a dog) with a man who won’t share money? We’ve always put all our money into the joint account. We discuss any big purchases, I wouldn’t discuss buying clothes (we have enough money that I don’t have to) but I would discuss bigger purchases.

I’d stop buying meat or fish, really cut back on food costs. Don’t buy kids clothes, turn down heating etc.

Why should you feel "useless for not helping out" when you A) pay more proportionally than him and B) do far more of the housework and childcare?
He is the one who is useless and not helping out. He is not paying his fair share, proportional to income.

You have to stop giving in and doing what is "easier".
Have the conversation again, with the figures all worked out and evidenced. When he tries to brush it off or shut you down, don't give up. Insist that he has to explain himself. Insist that he listens to you.

Don't be afraid of it ending up in a screaming row. Be prepared to get emotional, cry, shout, get very, very angry.
You have to stand up to him.

If he refuses to engage, or leaves the house, you have your answer. He doesn't care for you or respect you.
If that happens, as others have said just stop buying anything for him. Buy the absolute minimum for you and the DC, and save as much money as you can.
Either he will see the error of his ways, or you will split up. The latter is probably the best option for you.

Oh god! Not another one.

You don’t give up some of your ability to work in favour of a partner you’re not married to in order to look after joint house and children.

You especially don’t let that partner keep the mortgage to himself - the investment - whilst you pay all the “money is then gone” bills!

Where does the rest of his money go?

So he’s paying around £1000 per month while you are paying around £800. I’d work out how much the costs are going to go up if you went full-time and how much more he’ll have to pay to split costs 50:50. I’d also set out that as you won’t be able to do everything, he’ll have to do 50% of parenting, housework, dog walking.

Or, you could work out joint expenses, pay proportionally, so you both have a bit of discretionary spend.

Honestly though, he sounds like a bit of a dick. You might be better off financially without him.

I earn significantly more than my DH, we both have exactly the same discretionary spend after bills and savings and we share the workload at home.

This isn't true at all. My friend is currently stuck paying her whole mortgage because her ex is refusing to contribute, but he will still get his half as legally he owns 50%.

No if you are on the mortgage as a joint owner then the house is half yours . Are you married ?

You are subsidizing his lifestyle. In other words he is stealing from you.

your working part-time to care for shared children is a real economic contribution to the family and counts just as much as his earned income. It impacts not just the actual money you bring in but your future earning potential

Since he has shown that he doesn’t value you as a partner, I would not trust him any longer. You need to work full time and he needs to take on his half of the child responsibilities. Then start splitting expenses proportional to income.

in reality, when people have children things should be pooled and you should share in the spoils or the droughts, but if that isn’t going to happen, the alternative is to look out for yourself and make sure you are capable of supporting yourself and your children.

Ask him how it's actually ok that you have nothing and he has £1.5k every month.

Ask YOURSELF the same question

How you've put up with this, just shows how gaslit you've been by him.

He's a scumbag.

This
if he pays the entire mortgage then the house is his to keep at the end of the term, your money is disappearing on consumable things that don’t hold any value.

This is financial abuse.

You’d be better off divorcing him

Edited to say looks like you’re not married…which is a shame as you’d have better financial protection

Honestly, I know we all have different types of relationships but surely a partnership means being equal and sharing, so you each have the same amount of 'fun' money, similar pensions, savings etc. As long as you're both 'working' the same hours (and in that I include cleaning the home, child care, the school runs) then you both have the same time off and the same access to money. If one is sitting around doing nothing then that's another matter but I've never come across that in a partnership. It doesn't matter if one earns much more - I bet they're not necessarily working 'harder' for that money.

Spreadsheet the fuck out of it to show exactly how it stacks up then make a proposal for a more equitable split.

If he disagrees, go on strike.

I don't mean this with disrespect at all, OP, but why why why have you let yourself get into this situation? If money is not 100% pooled (or near as) then you cannot let yourself go part time, earn less, do all the kids' stuff. You are sacrificing yourself and your financial security for him, especially as you are not married. You have to ditch all that NOW, go back to full time work, and if he is insistent on not paying more then you have to try to match his salary if possible as soon as you can, and he has to pay half of all childcare etc.

You absolutely can be on the mortgage and not on the deeds as I was for many years. The house was in DH's name when we met and we then took out a new mortgage together but didn't update the deeds. 40 years later we have finally done this although the mortgage has been paid off for some time now. So unless the rules have changed this is a possibility.

Just write it all down and work out a fair split.

I earn more than DH (around 50% more than his salary) and consequently I do actually pay more to the bills and mortgage. Food bills and purchases for the house (sofa for example) are the only thing we split 50/50.

Kick him out. With UC and child maintenance you should be able to cover the mortgage and end up pretty much where you are now without his dead weight dragging you down.

Life is too short to spend it with a miserable fucker who wants to control you.

We have and always will split 50 50 and my partner earns 4 x what i earn.

How does that even work? You go out to eat, he orders caviar, you get a glass of water? He stays in a 5 star hotel while you can only afford a hostel when you go on holiday?

But as for OP, add all your family expenses together. Anything house, children and dog related is also family. Then share. He for some reason seems to think kids are your private hobby?

So with your £800 you pay for groceries and toiletries for 5 people and pets?

As well as car insurance, petrol, clothes, gas, electric, water, council tax etc?

That’s insane and I’m surprised your wage even stretches that far for 5 of you.

Get a joint account and both put 70% of your wages into it.
Pay ALL bills and shared expenses (including children and pets) out of the shared account.

At the same time he can't expect to live free of household and parenting duties!

How does he justify you doing everything? It's not like he's even paying you or compensating you in any way.

'm so angry on your behalf, he's abusive and taking advantage of you.

I don't know how the person who's meant to love you the most can leave you struggling financially and physically like that. You'd be better off without him.

Well when you have the conversation about halving the shit work because you need to up your hours. You can parrot that back at him repeatedly.

If he objects, then you'll know he's using you to not only buy a house, but to save quite a lot of money and that means selling the house, splitting whatever money is available from that and going your seperate ways.

Surely everything else cost more than the mortgage. Why not suggest you will pay the mortgage and he can pay for everything else for a while so he can see how much that everything else costs. Also make him do half childcare and cleaning or paying for another person to pick up his slack. I couldn't live with a pig like this.