To be hurt we are always the Boxing Day/Easter Monday house

I agree, their idea of Christmas is pretty Christ free. I just can’t understand being so one sided in your Christmas approach. We alternate, because we care about both of our families.

we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees and this comes from our joint pot

Stop this. If your DH wants to pay then fine, but not from the joint account. It comes straight from his savings or salary. The grandchildren’s parents should be paying though.

I think your last post nailed it on why they like their current set up.

I can totally see why you would love Christmas to be at yours at some point and maybe it still can be in the future.

However you are doing the right thing by being silent and allowing them to chose what works best for them.

I also do not think you are being used for money and as you have pointed out both children get the same amount - so I assume he pays for your son just as you pay for his daughter?

Let this one go for now

My parents positively discouraged the transporting of our DCs away from their new presents and us carrying things up and down the country. They come to us for a few days instead so it fits around everyone’s stuff.

Agree.and I never did it with my dc

You are turning Christmas into a chore full of obligation. I loved Christmas as a child but I started to dislike it as an adult and my children associated it with being carted around the grandparents. Even though they love their grandparents they aren’t keen on the packing up and travelling. So many of my friends have slipped into this kind of routine of doing the rounds of parents and often step parents with rather reluctant children in tow.

I wouldn't pay to be honest, why should you?

You literally said in your OP that you go to church on Xmas day. Presumably not with your DS, as he is not there until Boxing Day.

I agree that it’s unfair for you.

My own dd loves to have Christmas Day at home with us (not least because his parents hold a pretty boring Christmas Day as they don’t drink 😬) but even she accepts that every other year she needs to suck it up and swap the days.

Mine are just getting to the age where grandchildren are not far off ..
It's made me think a lot , especially as I have 3 boys ..
If I was in your situation op ....I would want my DC to do exactly as they please with their family ..I definitely 100% would not want someone visiting me at any point over Christmas,who did not want to be there .
Regarding the school fees ...never give money to someone with any expectation of buying their time ..either give it willingly,or don't give it .
Regarding you being step mum ..she lost her mum when 12..you were never going to fill that hole for her ,it was to big to start with..
You say they are tired on boxing day ...but on Christmas eve they will be hyped up ,over excited, probably a bit difficult and hard to get to sleep..no wonder mum wants to keep them quiet at home .
Christmas day ,really is everyones choice where they spend it ..don't guilt them in to coming to you ... people can get set in their ways ,and that's then what makes Christmas for them ..
I actually think you have the perfect set up ..a lovely Christmas with your DH ,and then family boxing day ..it's exactly how I would like it ,when I'm a granny.
I had 4dc
It was to difficult getting them out of the house over Christmas..so we never did ..we visited Grandma one Sunday in Dec and that was it ..no dragging the kids away from their toys on Christmas eve ,or Christmas day or boxing day ..

Because you pay similar amounts to both sets of grandchildren,
Just pretend you pay for your son and your hsuband pays for his daughter.
Unless of course you are the much higher earner.
Also, yes you are right to be hurt, I think what you both do massively improves your kids/grandkids quality of life and what I've noticed is that people who are well off are always seen a bit differently, as if you have no feelings, it's very strange.

Tbh
I wouldn't give such a massive amount of money to my grandkids at all.
At least not in that way.
Because, money always affects relationships, they will always feel entitled unless the recipients are such amazingly good people.
Instead, I would take them out to places, maybe save for their first homes or just do a will that you do not tell them about.
Then, if someone is doing their own thing, you'll feel less resentful.
I mean unfortunately it doesn't seem that you can ever stop, but at least with your son
I would speak to him, say spend every other holiday, its massively unfair as that's your own child.

Aaah. Practicing Christians. That explains a lot. I was raised a Catholic and still managed to visit dh’s family every other Christmas, I’m sure there’s a suitable church near you. It’s not very Christian to leave someone out is it?

Comparison is the thief of joy. Try not to focus on the fact that they spend certain days with their inlaws and instead, make some fantastic traditions for the days they spend with you. Get matching family pajamas, play board games, watch movies and eat finger foods all day. Make ice cream sundaes with a bunch of different toppings. It doesn't have to be anything like a big fancy Christmas or Easter dinner. Just make it something fun and memorable for everyone.

I've told my children that when they are grown, with families of their own, I'm happy to be the Boxing Day house. I'm willing to work with their schedules so they can establish their own holiday traditions and I can still be included in the celebrations. As much as I love hosting the holidays, I love spending time together more and will strive to be the parents/inlaws who accommodate everyone so I continue to get to celebrate with them and the families they create.

I really really wouldn’t do that. Trying to insert yourself in your child’s marriage is not going to strengthen your relationship.

I wouldn't push any of this to be honest. I think whether it is Christmas day or boxing day would be a the grass is always greener type scenario. Cause upset to get Christmas Day and discover it is when the children are over excited and irritable.

I think it is unreasonable to expect to be called Granny when "traditional" Granny died at a pretty tough age for your DIL. I don't think you should interpret that as her not appreciating you.

I wouldn't bring the money you give into it. You aren't buying their time - it makes it all sound very transactional.

Your update is literally explaining very fair reasons why they don’t come to you . Of course they dont want to travel for 2 hours on Christmas day with two young children when they are able to have a drink and a quick journey home as the alternative.
your husbands likes to eat out at Christmas, when the alternative is a home made Christmas where kids can be kids and not have to sit for hours at a restaurant then I would be choosing that too .
Your son is spending the religious holiday with the side of family that is religious, it makes perfect sense for them to.

To be honest, I can see why she goes to her inlaws. Christmas is so fucking stressful as a mum with 2 kids. I would choose a quick cab ride over an hour in the car back and fourth any day.

You also say they go all out and it sounds like a right treat. What would your Christmas day look like as an option? If youre going to tear me away from a beef Wellington a cab ride away, to a roast chicken and aunt Bessie roast potatoes, i wouldn't be too enthused either.

I dont really see the problem if you see them boxing day and do a big meal then? It sounds like you all have a good time and you say DH enjoys eating out.

Overall though - you see them both, so dont be that nag that moans about being the christmas day household vs the boxing day household. The last thing you want is to guilt them into coming.

Finally - if you dont want to contribute to fees then dont. You are clearly resentful about it, because you were very quick to pull that card.

It sounds like your house is the go to when everyone has had enough of being fake

@Nagramama family dynamics are sometimes tricky. Just re-read what you've written.

"I know his DD doesn’t like me"

"I do find this a little annoying as we pay a 1/4 of her children’s school fees"
"I’m happy to do that and don’t expect anything in return" (don't you?)

Isn't it obvious why you're not first choice, perhaps?

The important thing, must surely be, maintaining a relationship with the adult children (your son/his daughter). Your expectation, that it must occur on a very specific day, to acknowledge your importance in their lives, seems a little short-sighted?

Be happy to see them, without condition?

I’m surprised that your dh’s dd having lost her dm has relegated her df to second best, that’s mean imo.
Your ds however, he needs to speak up too, his dm should be as important as his in laws.
The common denominator in all of this is of course you and your dh. I’d hazard a guess that the other in laws are still married to each other, eg dsd’s in laws have never been divorced and same with ds’s.
After my parents split we still visited dm alternately on Christmas Day (df moved abroad) but I preferred the family unit at dh’s home.

I know my dd prefers to be with her in-laws at Christmas, ( dh and I are both still together) because her in-laws are much more fun than us but she is fair. Ds loves to be with us and my dgs also adores his dgrandad ( dh).

I wouldn’t use the fees as leverage it will make things worse. Better to establish your own tradition on Boxing Day that the dgc love.

A different lunch that they all love.
A walk and hot chocolate afterwards.
A movie or game.
The dgc will remember it.

Are you saying that you don’t want to see your DS & GS on Christmas Eve if your DIL will only come on Boxing Day? I think you should leave DIL to your DH and concentrate on building as close a relationship as you can with DS and his family. If I was DS I would be hurt if you only want to see him when your DH’s daughter is also available.

Yours & DH’s grandchildren are not cousins and his DD doesn’t sound like she wants that kind of relationship.

It's a crazy amount of money but I suppose you can afford it.
Tbh your children are very entitled paying you attention the way the choose to.

Hang on £12,000 a year for each grandchild? Or have I drank too much wine?